tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-314102962024-03-07T15:19:04.912-06:00It's All Gray MatterNothing is as simple as it seemsUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger113125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-25121676644926046272008-03-27T16:07:00.007-05:002008-03-27T16:45:58.478-05:00Pain is Just Weakness Triple-Jumping Out of the Body<img src = "http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k2/smithandrewjohn/exercise-conversion.gif"><br /><br />I'm headed to Little Rock, Arkansas this weekend for a wedding. I'm excited, as it's an excuse to buy a new suit. Every time I travel there, I'm reminded of an incident back at my first high school, an all-boys joint known as <a href = "http://priory.org">St. Louis Priory</a>. The key piece of information for this story is that at that time, almost every kid took French for a few years.<br /><br />I was running track as a Freshman, and an intense maniac, a Senior who was the de facto captain of the team, ran up alongside me. He asked me why I wasn't going to make the track meet that weekend, as his primary duty was to intimidate 14 year olds into running faster. I replied that I was headed to Little Rock.<br /><br />For some reason, he replied that "You know, in French, they call that <span style="font-style:italic;">Petite</span> Rock." I shot back, "No, they'd call it <span style="font-style:italic;">Petite Pierre</span>"* He looked infuriated, and said something to the effect of "Hey Drew, how about you shut the f**k up!" <br /><br />I think he may have had me run an extra lap or two. But I remember faking like it was really difficult, so, pleased that I'd been sufficiently tortured, he'd let me stop. It was easy to run the additional distance, because at the time I knew that while he was running around a rubber ring that weekend, I'd be wiping the condensation from the ring of a lemonade glass in warm ol' Arkansas. Sucker!!<br /><br /><br />*Pierre means "rock" in FrenchUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-38518002224756218812008-03-25T10:41:00.004-05:002008-03-25T10:59:57.283-05:00YouTube and YouTube but You Can Only Tube So Much<img src = "http://www.icanw.org/files/Romeo_mushcloud.jpg"><br /><br />Too many times, we only hear <a href = "http://www.wtov9.com/news/15695314/detail.html">bad news</a> because bad news is what sells. I was talking to someone this past weekend, and she said that she had nothing left on the internet to view. She'd reached the edge. And I said, yeah you know that CNN will have a mother-kills-child story on the front page. Or father off the bridge, she added. Well, check out <a href = ""http://www.wowt.com/home/headlines/16951756.html>what I was greeted with yesterday</a>.<br /><br />Well I'm no sellout, so I'm going to report some good news. In YouTube form.<br /><br />First up is a video of me shaking a leg at a recent party. Yes, you heard that right. I'm in a blue shirt in the video, humping a wall until shortly after 2:00 through. But the last :20 are killer. And not killer in the downer sense of the word (I'm looking at you, CNN with the hiker junk). I get one sweet move in, watch for it!<br /><br /><object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/NDbiXmqhGEI&hl=en"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/NDbiXmqhGEI&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object><br /><br />Next there's one of my friends' new baby boy, adopted from Ethiopia. Follow it all at <a href = "http://journey2babybaker.blogspot.com">their blog</a>, or just kick back and watch the cute little guy here.<br /><br /><object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/rnAO8Qozsdg&hl=en"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/rnAO8Qozsdg&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object><br /><br />Hope these put a smile on your face!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-36766798256708602922008-03-18T15:28:00.005-05:002008-03-18T15:50:52.891-05:00Something's in the Attic and It Smells... Musty.. Yeah, Kinda MustyIf I had to come up with a porno, you know like if a guy came up to me and put a gun to my head in a dark alley, and said "Hey, kid, use that great head of yours to come up with a plot for a porno, or your brains and that wall are going to get mighty well acquainted," I'd call it MOTHBALLS.<br /><br /><img src = "http://www.hunterpole.co.uk/public/pictures/products/standard/hp971.jpg"><br /><br />It obviously would star a half woman/half moth - her genetic makeup would be covered in flashbacks, showing actual "genetic makeup." This 1/2 and 1/2 (I'd call her Susie Roth (part moth)) would be inexplicably drawn to bright lights, moving from rural Kansas to the bright lights of Wichita. The obvious dances of love would ensue, and since I'd model it after the great Grecian dramas, it would be complete with a chorus (played by the Flaming Lips, obviously) and a tragic end to our heroine.<br /><br />The tagline would be "Imagine '<a href = "http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091064/">the Fly</a>,' if Jeff Goldblum had jugs, and cross it with <a href = "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antigone">Antigone</a>... and you have MOTHBALLS"Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-84331020039637579182008-03-11T10:24:00.006-05:002008-03-11T10:49:05.216-05:00Holly GoEasyOnMeSome things about women are oddly hot. Like when a girl goes through her stealing phase, almost exclusively in high school, usually involving makeup. Or when a girl throws up the middle finger. Or is into gangster rap.<br /><br /><img src = "http://207.58.155.90/~leblanc/images/uploads/golightly.jpg"><br />Hot burglar<br /><br />Probably the hottest of the hot is when women form a posse of vigilantes that beat up men who abuse their wives in misogynist societies. Case in point, <a href = "http://www.viceland.com/int/v15n2/htdocs/flux_pink_indians.php?country=us">VICE Magazine recently ran a piece</a> on a group of women in India who wear all pink and basically go around beating abusive men to a pulp. They're called the Gulabi Gang, and the most fascinating thing about them is their precise skills with giant sticks. Reminds me of a southern vigilante from a favorite movie of my father's and mine.<br /><br /><img src = "http://www.beyondthebadge.com/images/WalkTal.gif"><br />Walking Tall<br /><br />Once I checked all the locks at my apartment and armed the burglar alarm, I tried to forget the image of a bunch of pink women beating me up for all the sexist jokes I'd told over the years. So I picked up my latest read, <a href = "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Royal_Family_%28novel%29">The Royal Family</a>, by William T. Vollman. The story involves a gang of prostitutes led by a pimp-ess, and how together they are stronger than the individual parts. The leader is infinitely fearless, not to mention sexually surreal.<br /><br />So of course I decided to venture outside, checking behind me every few minutes for giant sticks. I ended up at the gym. And what did I see? 10 women looking to fight me. I didn't stand a chance.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-80164228043055910502008-02-25T18:39:00.003-06:002008-02-25T18:49:57.483-06:00Sitar. Happier. More Productive.So, I've said some crazy stuff after my "spells." Usually, I have no recollection of these quips, unless someone clues me in. Apparently I said "Oh calm down you old battleaxe" to my mom once. Well, my friend told me that I was talking/typing a little odd mid-seizure. Like what, I asked. I then realized that I have my chats logged, so... behold the glory of a brain malfunctioning. [I think I'd taken my liquid medicine by this point.]<br /><br />S****a: haha i bet youre feeling just great right about now<br />me: like jorge harrison playing sitar with jeus chirist hisssssself]<br /><br /><img src = "http://www.cbc.ca/arts/images/shankar2.jpg"><br /><br />Come to think of it, George Harrison always seemed to have that nice and relaxed vibe, you know?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-42222750332987281882008-02-19T13:41:00.003-06:002008-02-19T14:02:44.805-06:00New YewTubesday!So I decided to resurrect this unpopular feature with a new twist. I'm going to put up a YouTube video, then have what an alien from outer space would say, if he/she/he-she (hey, aliens have weird nads probably) somehow had earthly Internet access. And really liked to frequent YouTube, but didn't quite understand humans through it. Ok, I hope that explains it... enjoy!<br /><br /><object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Xtb14RVEcNs&rel=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Xtb14RVEcNs&rel=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object><br /><br />Thumbelina, the Martian midget hooker from <span style="font-style:italic;">Total Recall</span>, would say...<br /><img src = "http://moviedeaths.blacktachyon.com/grabs/total_recall-helm-1.jpg"><br />"Wait... he's a midget? In reflective clothing? Is he single?"Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-25522412455240182312008-02-15T16:31:00.001-06:002008-02-15T16:32:39.357-06:00You Learn Something Stupid Every Day!<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Breatharianism">Like this.</a><br /><br />Oh, and the answer to last week's quiz was A. Looks like I have some spam to write! Now I just need a pen name...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-33958563847271219522008-02-08T10:34:00.000-06:002008-02-08T10:38:56.179-06:00FFF: Junk Mail EditionGuess the spam headline that I <span style="font-style:italic;">didn't</span> receive in my inbox. <br /><br />A. Be and astronaut and rocket her to the moon<br />B. Hidden in your pants is a Hollywood story that is incredibly huge<br />C. More howls than you can shake a shiver at<br />D. Lost your college sweetheart to the quarterback? Get her back with this<br /><br />Oh and no answer until some people guess... I'm looking at you, Eugene, Neil, and Emily. Since you all claim to have guessed every one of these...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-73472457385139632392008-02-06T10:14:00.000-06:002008-02-06T10:16:23.006-06:00Summery SummaryI went to Austin this past weekend. I ended up drunk on the plane and left my copy of the Brothers Karamazov (75% read) on the plane. It was 65 and sunny every day.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-31624624716636942512008-01-29T12:37:00.000-06:002008-01-29T13:29:45.100-06:00I'm Super Sirius about the GymI've started attending a gym in the past month or so, and after about 10 visits, I've deduced the following lessons. They each have a Howard Stern reference, since both the gym and that seminal radio show have one thing in common: dirty vibes.<br /><br />1. <span style="font-weight:bold;">Expect the Unexpected</span><br />I walked into the locker room when I showed up at the gym. This old guy was sitting in there. I worked out, then walked back to the locker room to get my stuff. He now had a pack of frozen, boneless skinless chicken breasts in his duffle bag. I think they'd thawed by then though. So, if you psyche yourself to expect a drunk dwarf in a bunny suit (e.g. <a href = "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hank_the_Angry_Drunken_Dwarf">Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf</a>) on the elliptical, you'll be fine.<br /><br /><img src = "http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/7/7b/Hankthedwarf.jpg"><br /><br />2. <span style="font-weight:bold;">Every Girl Looks Exactly Alike</span><br />You know the type, they all have the same exact stretchy pants, they're all 5'0" to 5'6" and they're all 20-25. Except this old Indian woman I saw on a treadmill once. Oh and this chick who looked like <a href = "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wack_pack#John_the_Stutterer">John the Stutterer</a> from the Howard Stern show.<br /><br /><img src = "http://cache.viewimages.com/xc/56444130.jpg?v=1&c=ViewImages&k=2&d=17A4AD9FDB9CF1939847EC77F5F8D1CEE8CFFF84897E5E00A40A659CEC4C8CB6"><br /><br />3. <span style="font-weight:bold;">Nobody Sweats</span><br />Yeah, I don't understand it either, but I guess the people at the gym aren't the ones who <span style="font-style:italic;">need</span> the gym. Seriously, though, people.. if you come to the gym enough times, you'll look like Wack Pack member <a href = "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicole_Bass">Nicole Bass</a><br /><br /><img src = "http://img160.imageshack.us/img160/8729/nicolebassdx3.jpg"><br /><br />That's all for now, hopefully the more I work out, the more knowledge I acquire, and thus the more you learn.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-60154938958954881802008-01-25T11:28:00.000-06:002008-01-25T12:34:05.901-06:00First-Person False Fact FridayI know, this one's half-assed. But I'm committed to this Friday thing and I'm busy working for my brother today. So grin and bear it haha<br /><br /><img src = "http://www.timeandspace.org/tsl/calendar/0511/walmart.jpg"><br /><br />Which one is not true?<br />A. I was given a $10 gift card this week from Wal-Mart... for doing nothing.<br />B. I'm going to a roller rink tonight... but I can't skate<br />C. I watched <a href = "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2_Girls_1_Cup">2 girls 1 cup</a> the other night... and couldn't sleep afterward.<br />D. There was a guy in a stall in my work bathroom. He was talking business in a foreign language, but all I could make out was "Fed ex." And he was definitely taking a dump simultaneously.<br />E. A monkey brain is sitting on a jar on the lab's lunch table.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-39599217572200282282008-01-22T21:14:00.000-06:002008-01-22T21:22:13.965-06:00YouTubesday: U is for Underage***If you're reading an imported version of this on Facebook, and the vids aren't showing up, just check out http://heyinaneedlestack.blogspot.com for them<br /><br />This video makes me so happy, and I'm not really sure what cracks me up the most. I still can't figure out what exactly was going on at this party, I was too absorbed in the repartee.<br /><br /><object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/9Jw-i-dUMwM&rel=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/9Jw-i-dUMwM&rel=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object><br /><br />Not content to leave it at that, the round the clock coverage resumed the next day, with this Corey character hanging out at the beach, not wanting to go home and face his parents. (Everything up until 1:30 is from the first video)<br /><br /><object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/8rM_nNmIMdc&rel=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/8rM_nNmIMdc&rel=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object><br /><br />Seriously, if I were that reporter I'd question where I went wrong, why I ended up interviewing some drugged out, shaved-chest party boy, when I had dreams of an Pulitzer.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-68840175772853256482008-01-18T09:47:00.001-06:002008-01-18T10:00:34.257-06:00Find the False Fact Friday<img src = "http://star.trek.org/~spock/spock04.jpg"><br /><br />A. I'm going to watch a cheesy sci-fi marathon consisting of Highlander, Star Trek, and something else on MLK day<br />B. There's a species of banana slug that has a penis 5 times longer than its body length, the largest ratio on earth.<br />C. An answer of mine was picked the best answer to a question about relationships on Yahoo! Answers.<br />D. Dostoevsky, by all accounts, was a big asshole.<br />E. A world class pianist was caught with steroids.<br />F. A female friend of mine was hit on by one of the guys from Perfect Strangers (not Balki, but Larry)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-55172950406079190912008-01-15T13:48:00.001-06:002008-01-15T14:23:42.329-06:00YouTubesdayI'm thinking it's time for another weekly feature. I need an excuse to post some Youtube videos, so here goes. After each one I've included my favorite comment from YouTube users, who crack me up more than the videos themselves. [PS - if they don't show up properly on your computer, let me know, I might have to shrink them down a little. Also, I don't know why "download video" is showing up. YouTube never shows that, there's nothing in the code, and clicking it does nothing.]<br /><br />Fenslerfilm GI Joe PSA parodies have been cracking me up for years. I like to revisit them now and again, to cheer me up. Here's one of my favorites, but <a href = "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fenslerfilm">here</a> are some other hilarious ones.<br /><object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/uRWuDsVmTg0&rel=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/uRWuDsVmTg0&rel=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object><br />Lyght55: <br />'Reminds me of Captain Oveur from Airplane!<br />"Joey, did you ever hang around a gymnasium?"<br />"You ever been in a cockpit before?" "No." "You ever seen a grown man naked?"<br />"Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"<br />"Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?"'<br /><br />If you're looking for something a little more... hmm how should I put it... highbrow, then check out this flashback video.<br /><object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/SgwgRrex8I0&rel=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/SgwgRrex8I0&rel=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object><br />Gojira87: "This is why the world hates America. Look at what we did. I'm fucking ashamed of my country."<br /><br />Ok, ok, highbrow was me being sarcastic. Here's one that is so good that I don't even mind the disgusting product placement.<br /><object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/rIHGT8vWleQ&rel=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/rIHGT8vWleQ&rel=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object><br />czechman121: "wow this 8 min. movie is better then 90% of the shit in the theaters these days"<br /><br />If you want a sports video, well...<br /><object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/8r0_TS09lJc&rel=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/8r0_TS09lJc&rel=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object><br />chuckgeorge13: "Can't hate on that. Dude's nimble like a cat."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-69362502474055018682008-01-11T15:30:00.000-06:002008-01-11T15:52:43.056-06:00The First False Fact Friday!Subject: Writer/Director Vincent Gallo<br /><img src = "http://static.flickr.com/7/10280129_4cb33ad7f8.jpg"><br /><br />A. Vincent Gallo used his personal website to sell his own semen. And his services in personally fertilizing a woman.<br />B. Vincent Gallo is a Republican.<br />C. Vincent Gallo served in the U.S. Marines for a brief period in the early 1980s. He was so distraught over the death of friend Jean-Michel Basquiat that he wanted out of action, and was given a dishonorable discharge.<br />D. There existed a $500 t-shirt with Vincent Gallo's face on it. Gallo required prospective buyers to fill out an application to purchase said garment.<br />E. Vincent Gallo dated Paris Hilton. And gave her VD (probably).<br />F. Vincent Gallo was a Calvin Klein underwear model.<br />G. Vincent Gallo put a curse on Roger Ebert's colon after Ebert showed considerable disgust for "The Brown Bunny" at Cannes. Ebert got colon cancer soon after. Gallo recanted, and the two squashed the beef.<br />H. Vincent Gallo was in a Rap Group named Trouble Deuce ... his rapper name was "Prince Vince"<br /><br />Which one is a lie?? Answer in the comments section!<br /><br />Should I make this a regular feature on here?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-30901306910005118642008-01-10T13:47:00.000-06:002008-01-10T14:16:59.448-06:00No Fear, Big Johnson!It occurred to me yesterday that modern man's (or woman's) lifespan can be broken down into periods of different types of fear. I'm going to list ages and the appropriate fear for that period in life.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">0-2.5 years old:</span> Shaken baby syndrome [fear, per se, doesn't exist.]<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">2.5-5 years old:</span> Mental retardation [this is a parental fear, though.]<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">5-7 years old:</span> Strangers/kidnapping<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">7-8 years old:</span> Forest Fires/Clowns<br /><br /><img src = "http://artfiles.art.com/images/-/Smokey-the-Bear-Poster-C10323766.jpeg"><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">8-10 years old:</span> The Boogeyman/Scary movies<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">10-15 years old:</span> Girls (or, Guys)<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">15-17 years old:</span> Lifelong virginity<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">17-18 years old:</span> Teen pregnancy<br /><br /><img src = "http://www.nypress.com/images/juno-production-photos-released.jpg"><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">19-21 years old:</span> Inability to find booze<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">21-24 years old:</span> Your own proclivities/vices<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">24-26 years old:</span> QUARTER LIFE CRISIS [inadequacies, death, illness, marriage, et c.]<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">26-30 years old:</span> Job loss<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">30-35 years old:</span> Hair loss<br /><br /><img src = "http://www.ushairrestoration.com/resources/female+pattern+hair+loss.jpg"><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">35-40 years old:</span> Regret<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">40-60 years old:</span> SARS/Anthrax/Terrorist Attack/Bird Flu<br /><br /><img src = "http://home.wangjianshuo.com/archives/2003/04/24/beijing-couple.in.love-sars.jpg"><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">60-70 years old:</span> Mad Cow<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">70-80 years old:</span> Robots<br /><a href="http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=7408002"></a><br><embed src="http://lads.myspace.com/videos/vplayer.swf" flashvars="m=7408002&v=2&type=video" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="430" height="346"></embed><br><a href="http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.addToProfileConfirm&videoid=7408002&title=Robot Insurance"></a> | <a href="http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.home"></a><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">80-100 years old:</span> Anything shiny<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">100-120 years old:</span> God<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">120-150 years old:</span> The Devil [since you must've made a deal with him to live this long] or the fountain of youth [that the government will steal it from you somehow]<br /><br />Oh, and the title is a reference to two of my favorite clothing lines from the early 90's. No Fear, obviously, and Big Johnson. Behold!<br /><br /><img src = "http://www.racingunlimitedusa.com/SJ8315.JPG"><br /><img src = "http://www.racingunlimitedusa.com/SJ7982.JPG"><br /><br />P.S. You'll notice that I have a few trademarked items on here. Until I figure out if posting these is breaking any law, I'll leave them up. Because pictures make it so much more pretty, right?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-88057141640875594992008-01-09T10:49:00.000-06:002008-01-09T10:55:53.542-06:00Bolton, Buntin' and Stankin'1. I just saw this guy downstairs (at my work) who looks like John Bolton. No small feat for the doppleganger, as Bolton looks like this:<br /><img src = "http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/0e/John_R._Bolton.png"><br /><br />2. My little sister and I used to do this thing called "belly bunting." In order to belly bunt, you had to puff out your stomach, and then sort of run at each other, trying to knock over the other one. I find no reference to this through google, so I can only assume that we invented it. I should patent it, it's like a cross between joust and red rover.<br /><br />3. Chicken makes your farts meatier, according to credible sources. So I've switched Cassidy to a chicken less diet for her last week in Saint Louis.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-3523831095667168632008-01-02T16:40:00.000-06:002008-01-02T16:44:56.913-06:00Quick Appeal to SemanticsIf I did stand-up comedy, this would be one of my bits.<br /><br />PMS stands for premenstrual syndrome. Syndrome, like as in Down's syndrome. No offense to women, I know cramps and chocolate cravings probably suck, but it's not like an extra chromosome appears for a week. Can't we just call it premenstrual jitters? What about preblood jitters. PBJ. Ok, dinner time!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-21989403977626320282008-01-02T14:15:00.001-06:002008-01-02T16:39:55.305-06:00200STR8I'm not one for New Year's resolutions. They seem overly optimistic and just a way to make polite conversation at whatever party you happen to be attending. Well, this year I made a vow, for the first time in my life.<br /><br />You see, one of the things I'm thinking of doing in law school is intellectual property law. You can do a lot of good with it, as the cases seem to run company vs. individual or big company vs. little company. I've always had an interest in media copyright policy (i.e. music/film downloading issues).<br /><br />So my resolution is to refrain from violating copyright law in 2008 as much as possible. If you think that you could do it completely, then duct tape your mouth before singing "Happy Birthday" and steer clear of YouTube. I challenge anyone to say they haven't violated copyright law in some trivial way.<br /><br />That being said, I decided to eulogize my old stomping grounds, and mention a few businesses that I now expect to collect on my newfound morals. And I'll do this in the true spirit of the holiday, by comparing each to a person at a New Year's party. <br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Napster</span><br /><br />Napster was the originator of this whole movement. I don't exactly remember who told me about it, but I remember it was very early on at college. I was blown away by the possibilities, and the slick interface was easy enough that within weeks of it first appearing in the dorms, everyone was hooked and suddenly had these giant libraries of music with which to dance. It all seemed too good to be true, and was. Napster is now an incredibly unsuccessful counterpoint to iTunes. Sell out.<br /><br />Napster is like a guy throwing a party. He's older and buys the beer, and even sometimes gives it away just because he's a nice sumbitch. As time goes on, though, too many people start using him for his generosity, and he shaves his mustache and gets a desk job. He then picks up a wife, kids, and prescription drug habit, disappearing, except in the teary eyed, nostalgic drunk recollections of his former acolytes. One day he pops back up at a party, but he's lost it. Just lost it.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">iMesh</span><br /><br />iMesh was where everyone got their videos, and was peas to Napster's carrots. It sticks out in my mind because it showed the videos that no longer aired on MTV, and also because of <a href = "http://dontlinkthis.net/archives/444">one extremely popular video</a>. Keep in mind, this was before YouTube, so if people were dancing in the Filipino prisons, you'd get the video off iMesh. It didn't hold up too well for the traffic it generated, though, and was thus a bad omen of things to come.<br /><br />iMesh is the guy who shows up at a party first. He's not as good looking or suave or intelligent as the host. His whole game is trying to be around the host while carving off a little drunk something for himself. He shows up first so that he gets maximum drinking time for the night. He's inadvertently funny, however, and thus an important part of the development of a party.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">WinMX</span><br /><br />WinMX, as I think it was called, jumped into the mix pretty early and was memorable for exactly nothing. I'm not even sure that WinMX is the thing I used. That's how forgettable the whole operation was.<br /><br />WinMX is like the guy who shows up with iMesh because it beats sitting around the dorm watching <span style="font-style:italic;">The Color of Night</span> with some chicken tenders. He has big dreams but knows they won't come true.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Morpheus</span><br /><br />Ah Morpheus. Finally, someone made an upgrade. Morpheus popped up on the scene, and no one really understood how it worked exactly. But they knew that they could grab new movies on the thing, or even some cheap songs now that Napster had sort of disappeared.<br /><br />Morpheus is definitely the guy who shows up and suggests a game of Circle of Death. Although it seems like a yawner at first, you know that it'll lead to a big payoff - drunk girls. You don't know how he does it but you'll gladly reap the benefits.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Limewire</span><br /><br />Limewire was the beginning of the end of the Napster form (P2P) of filesharing. Due to the success of Morpheus and the demise of a solid MP3 source, people wanted a program that had full CDs on it. Limewire ran as slow as molasses though, though nobody was sure why. Nevertheless, some people stuck with it, up until recently, as it appears that it is still functional.<br /><br />Limewire is the girl that shows up to a crowd full of dudes, but doesn't seem to mind. She's nice to the point of being <span style="font-style:italic;">too</span> nice, and people start to suspect she's up to something. But she's drinking like a pro, and is still a pretty nice option for the guys, despite the fact that she's already broken a chair and spilled red wine on the carpet.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Kazaa</span><br /><br />Kazaa. Dear God, just typing it brings back chills. Limewire had done a little damage to my computer, but Kazaa didn't even hide the damage. It installed a good handful of harful software, and forced a few resets a day of my trusty old computer. The reason you put it on your computer was that it had an incredible amount of copyrighted material. You could grab thousands of dollars of CDs and movies in an hour. The reason everyone was on it, well... it was a consequence of it being impossible to uninstall and running in the background. It resulted in many a computer, including my own, to be discarded as "old" and "broken," when in fact it was just stupid-ass Kazaa.<br /><br />Limewire has done a little damage to the party, and Kazaa threatens to ruin the whole thing. A friend of Morpheus, she is hot, and the rumor is that she will do <span style="font-style:italic;">anything</span> with anyone. Guys, girls, midget strippers. Well, of course you fool around with her for a few early on at the party. It's cool until every single one of your friends gains some new perspective and new understanding of the female body, all from her. So you make a mental note to get an STD check, but know that by the time of the check it will be too late.<br /><br />On a personal note, this reminds me of the time I was at a party in high school, and five guys, myself included, realized we all had spent alone time with the same girl, to varying degrees. We all said a few nostalgic words, then did a cheers to the hilarity of it all.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Audiogalaxy</span><br /><br />Audiogalaxy was interesting for a few reasons. One, you had to go through the internet to pick songs. You then clicked some big box on the site next to the song you wanted, and the little applet opened up and promptly and politely placed it on your computer.<br /><br />Audiogalaxy is like the girl who shows up at the party and doesn't get a glance. She's wearing a ponytail and glasses, and has a boyfriend. Three strikes in many a meathead's mind. However, if you talk to her a little, you'll see that she has some genuinely interesting things to say, and you find yourself satisfied in a way other than carnally. In fact, you find good conversation to be more scarce at a party than good action, which due to basic economic principles, makes it more valuable.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Direct Connect</span><br /><br />Direct Connect was something a friend talked about. The premise was Marxist. If you shared, you reaped benefits, if you did not, you were S.O.L. Of course, then people would share a bunch of system files, basically their whole hard drive, including sensitive information, only to be greeted with millions of GB of TV shows like Stargate SG1.<br /><br />Direct Connect is the guy that shows up with a handful of girls. You think, ah, great, this will even out the party's ratio. But he doesn't introduce you, and seems irritated that they're aren't many people at the party, especially girls. You try to talk to one of the girls, and she says something about not drinking, and says it really really loudly, while she gets shify eyed. He leaves with his stable, and nobody seems to mind.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Soulseek</span><br /><br />Ahh, finally we get to the good stuff. Soulseek was another recommendation from a computer programmer friend, and introduced me to a lot of interesting musical outfits, from electronic, to underground rap, and beyond. The knowledge of the users is remarkable, and so of course you were more likely to find Autechre than Green Day on here. Apparently it is still up and running, and if you want to break laws for the both of us, try it out. And let me know what the cool kids are listening to nowadays.<br /><br />This service was like the girl who walks into the party and causes a hushed silence. Why? Well it probably has to do with the fact that she's got purple hair and is wearing a torn up t-shirt with Basquiat on it. In other words, she's too cool to be hanging out at this party, and seems a little irritated at the lack of style as she chugs her bottle of authentic Russian vodka. Might as well make a play for her, but pretend you aren't that impressed, because she gets that shit daily.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Torrent Sites</span><br /><br />Torrents. You've heard of them, but haven't tried. It's where all the serious criminals hang out, and the logical progression of file sharing. You could have every episode of the Simpsons by tomorrow. You can grab a copy of Freakonomics, the new Wyclef CD, and a bunch of games for your cellphone within a few minutes. The possibilities are endless. There are even celebrities within the movement, such as the guy who started the Pirate Bay, and a notorious DVD pirate named aXXo (who has many impersonators, just like a real pirate!). The problem with these stooges is that they don't think they're committing a crime. Cowboy up, men! Really, they actually put out a film talking about the changing culture with the technology. The technology is just an intelligent way circumventing copyright laws. You get tiny pieces from everyone, not just one person. So no one is technically sharing a complete work, just pieces of it. These are the legal issues I look forward to studying, believe it or not.<br /><br />Torrent sites are the crowd that show up, fill up the party, get everybody dancing, and clog the toilets. Suddenly, after these guys and girls show up, you realize that this may be the best party of your life. The party is getting <span style="font-style:italic;">too</span> awesome though, and you're starting to think that you may get into some legal trouble later in the night. So you just let them all party and have a good laugh, all while preparing your lines to get out of a noise violation.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Part 2 will be forthcoming, as this entry has taken up a good chunk of my day at work already. It'll concern Amazon Unbox and iTunes, my new legal friends.<br /></span><br /><br />[Sorry this is long and texty. I was thinking about presenting pictures on this, but I wasn't sure how to handle copyrighted images! Maybe once I talk to my lawyer...]Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-77002458744988301312007-12-31T09:49:00.000-06:002007-12-31T11:27:37.774-06:00The First Annual DrewiesSo it's the end of 2007 in blogville, and few bloggers avoid some sort of countdown during this time of the year. I'm not immune to this, and I'm here to present some awards, some are serious, some definitely not. Enjoy!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Best Lesbian in a Cartoon</span><br /><img src = "http://www.spalliance.net/png_boxs/910_Follow_That_Egg-1.jpg"><br />I expect this person to accept this award for many years to come. Although at times, she's been straight, she's even been a man. But her legacy was cemented in one fateful turn of phrase - "Scissor me timbers!" That's right, <span style="font-style:italic;">South Park</span>, you sport one of the most entertaining lesbians of all time in <a href = "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Janet_Garrison">Mrs. Janet Garrison</a>.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Best Lesbian in Film (Long form)</span><br /><img src = "http://us.movies1.yimg.com/movies.yahoo.com/images/hv/photo/movie_pix/mgm/feast_of_love/_group_photos/selma_blair12.jpg"><br />This is a stunning upset, if only because no one will know who I'm talking about. This was a loaded category, featuring performances from the likes of Jennifer Garner and her admission that she "made it with a girl once" in <a href = "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catch_and_Release_%28film%29">Catch and Release</a>. But this person provided a performance that was brief and unconvincing to the unbiased film-goer in 2007. So, congratulations Selma Blair from <a href = "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feast_of_love">Feast of Love</a>! Although you were a weak plot device in a weak movie, your curiosity and naivete was one for the books.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Best Lesbian in Film (Short)</span><br /><img src = "http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1128/1142105406_c310248a6a.jpg"><br />*Spoiler Alert* It's a truly amazing feat, when subjected to every twist in the book, to still be surprised by an admission of a same-sex relationship. But if this year was a magical year in lesbianism, then this person was the Siegfried. Yes, you guessed it, I'm talking about Tina in <a href = "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trapped_in_the_closet#Chapter_Sixteen">Trapped in the Closet</a>. Why? Well first, she was impregnated by a man that she turned in to the fuzz, resulting in a 3 year removal from society of said man. Then, she works in a bar, sporting a broken bottle and her tough-as-nails lover as two lines of defense. And to top it off, her sexual identity was revealed in song.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Best Lesbian in a Documentary</span><br /><img src = "http://www.arcadefever.net/arcadestory/143910288908.jpg"><br />Although Billy Mitchell from <a href = "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_of_kong">King of Kong</a> would be a daring pick in this category, unfortunately he is definitely a man. Fooled you on the picture, holmes. So who does that leave? Well there were some incredible performances from lesbians in <a href = "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deliver_Us_from_Evil_%282006_film%29">Deliver us from Evil</a>, this one is going to a lesbian who demonstrated every emotion in the AIM set of emoticons. I'm of course talking about Gene's old silver-haired friend in <a href = "http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0799954/">The Bridge</a>. First off, let me state that I'm not 100% sure that she is in fact a lesbian. But when you consider that she's in San Fransisco, surrounded by some amazing house shrubbery, and the fact that she appears to have befriended Gene out of a previously unrealized motherly instinct, it's clear as can be. In the course of the documentary, she shows lingual panache, empathy, and steely determination, sometimes all in the same sentence. Amazing.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Best Lesbian on TV</span><br /><img src = "http://www.buddytv.com/articles/Image/A-Shot-at-Love-with-Tila-Tequila/Dani-profile.jpg"><br />I know what you're thinking. <a href = "http://myspace.com/tilatequila">Tila Tequila</a>, from <a href = "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Shot_at_Love_with_Tila_Tequila#Criticism_and_controversy">A Shot at Love</a> right? No, dumbass, she wasn't a real lesbian. Or she would've picked my choice for TV lesbian of the year. Dani, her #2 and the show's plot device. Congrats!*<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Best Breasts on Screen</span><br /><img src = "http://a.movies.com/i/features/carpetburn/tomei_philipcheung.jpg"><br />Let me first say that I surprised myself with this pick. Why? Well, let me just say that for some reason, I was unable to procure a copy of <a href = "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shoot_%27Em_Up">Shoot 'em Up</a>, this year's film lucky enough to be selected by Monica Belluci as her breast showcase of the year. As soon as I see it, she most certainly will assume her crown in this category...<br /><img src = "http://www.worstpreviews.com/images/headlines/headline5166.jpg"><br />but I must take these awards seriously. So in a Olympic-style technical victory, I award Marisa Tomei the title, for her performance in <a href = "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Before_the_devil_knows_you%27re_dead">Before the Devil Knows You're Dead</a>. In a movie chock-full of emotional gravitas, Tomei's character provided ample defiance of gravity, in the form of her chest. Multiple times. And she's 43. And while I watched it I convinced myself that she was only 23, making her 8 at the time of <a href = "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/My_Cousin_Vinny">My Cousin Vinny</a>. For a performance that was both full and well rounded, not to mention age-defying, she wins.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Best Porn for Women</span><br /><img src = "http://www.austinchronicle.com/binary/b421/screens_TVeye.jpg"><br /><a href = "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tell_Me_You_Love_Me">Tell Me You Love Me</a> is head and shoulders above the rest of the competition, and by head and shoulders above, I mean girl-on-top above. For reasons I can't explain, girls go crazy when they see people talking about home decorating or dropping the kids off at school and then the characters boink each other into oblivion. In all fairness, my survey only has three respondents, however, all three picked this show. I've heard you can watch it on HBO's website. Just sayin'. And yes, the couple in the picture get it on.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Best Porn for Robots</span><br /><img src = "http://us.movies1.yimg.com/movies.yahoo.com/images/hv/photo/movie_pix/paramount_pictures/transformers/transformers_fight2.jpg"><br /><a href = "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transformers_%28film%29">Transformers</a>, obviously. Why? Well if robots were able to toy with reproduction for their own pleasure, I'd imagine they'd like two behemoths going Greco-Roman on top of a cloverleaf highway structure. Add to that the scene where Bumblebee is tortured in a mechanical way that S&M robots would applaud, and this is a sweep.<br /><br />Best Porn for Men<br />Internet P...orn 1994<br><embed src="http://lads.myspace.com/videos/vplayer.swf" flashvars="m=8663654&v=2&type=video" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="430" height="346"></embed><br><a href="http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.addToProfileConfirm&videoid=8663654&title=Internet P...orn 1994"></a><a href="http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.home"></a><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">The Internet</span> itself wins, and if I'd been awarding these since 1990, it would be an 18 time winner.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Best Nutritional Aid</span><br /><img src = "http://medicineworld.org/images/blogs/fiber-diet-761055.jpg"><br />Fiber. Was there ever an ingredient in food that did so many wonders? From bananas to granola, carrots to juice, nothing else provided the massive amounts of cleansing needed in these troubled modern times. Global Warming? Have some Metamucil. The War in Iraq? Try Ex-Lax. Housing and banking crises? Find some chocolate and coffee, stat. The Cardinals, Rams, and Blues, all blowing? Just get over your public restroom fear, and stop investing so much emotion in something that has no real implications.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Best Revival of a Synonym for "Cool"</span><br /><img src = "http://www.hollywoodchicago.com/uploaded_images/juno3.jpg"><br />Despite my lobbying for the word "boss,"** I have to hand it to <a href = "">Juno's</a> ability to bring back <a href = "http://www.answers.com/topic/wizard?cat=technology">Wizard</a>. British slang rules!<br /><br />So there you have it, I've run out of categories, as far as I can tell. So have a Happy New Years and a lucky 2008!<br /><br />*Domenico got his own show? Boss!<br />**I have yet to hear anyone else use this in the past year. Honestly though, it suggests that whatever it's describing rules over us all.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-7952488599325660962007-12-19T14:03:00.000-06:002007-12-19T14:32:25.547-06:00Something Wacky This Way ComesJohn Edwards fathered an illegitimate child.<br />Jamie Lynn Spears is pregant (not by John Edwards).<br />Dick Cheney's office in the White House was on fire.<br />Dennis Kucinich's brother was found dead.<br />Tila Tequila didn't pick Dani.<br />And the lab is saying goodbye to someone (can't elaborate).<br /><br />What kind of messed up 24 hours is this??? Well, as for my blog, it's been an upside down week. This is my fourth post in a few days. And I've generated a lot more traffic, too. Check out these search terms that have led people to this blog (all from the past week):<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">The Popular</span><br />water? like from the toilet (several vatiations)<br /><span style="font-style:italic;">About 50% of keyword visits!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">The Obvious</span><br />the things you own end up owning you<br />argyria pics<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">50 year old women</span><br />hgh for a 50 year old<br />blog women 50 years<br />blog for 50 year old women<br />style for 50 year old women<br />50 year old women no children<br /><span style="font-style:italic;">10% of my total keyword visits? What the hell?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Animals</span><br />bear hibernation butt plug (several searches)<br />learned behavior spider monkey<br />computer bullfighting games<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Explanation-defying</span><br />can i see some shaved gays<br />cocktail-conversation-topics<br />encino man will be back<br />unsolved mysteries in canada<br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Huh?</span><br /><br />Wow.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-92081679122507268712007-12-18T10:01:00.000-06:002007-12-18T10:33:51.603-06:00101 Problems But Spam Ain't OneHey, apparently that last post was #100! Good to know, since I've had 2 blogs (that I can remember). One was from my days in the dorms, and mainly was one of those "here's what I ate for dinner" and "here's where I partied" things. The next one was my last year of college, where I chronicled my "five bars a week" and "flunking classes" phase. Both were high on the "me" scale, and I like to think I've kept out of that "dear diary" trap.<br /><br /><img src = "http://www.vintagesynth.com/misc/buchla/sys101.jpg"><br />[Buchla 101 Synth]<br /><br />Nothing much today, but last night I read <a href = "http://www.economist.com/opinion/displaystory.cfm?story_id=10286400">this article at the Economist</a>, which blew my mind. Have you ever thought about why people answer the phone "Hello," as opposed to "Ahoy, ahoy" as originally proposed? Well, I was reminded of this later in the night, when I tried answering the phone in different ways than just uttering "Hello," when my mom and my sister called. I think they thought I was drunk or depressed when I answered "What's up?" I think it's also interesting when people try to answer their cell phone "Hello?" as if they have no clue who is calling. I'd understand if the person were blind, but then again how would they have answered the phone, right?<br /><br />Personally, I've been guilty of a handful of these. Luckily my boss hasn't requested the Facebook friendship, but I think he could see my profile for a year, whoops! All this history of spam makes me wonder what the next step will be...<br /><br />People tattooing themselves so that anybody who bones them is boning a commercial?<br /><object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/2r6nZ7j5R3k&rel=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/2r6nZ7j5R3k&rel=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object><br />[this adds new meaning to the term "tramp stamp."]<br /><br />People devoting whole web pages to ads?<br /><a href = "http://www.milliondollarhomepage.com/">Million Dollar Homepage</a><br /><br /><a href = "http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/news/story?id=1829996">People naming their babies after corporations?</a><br /><br />Forget the future, I'm just blown away by the present. Especially the fact that I've spammed you with my thoughts 101 times and counting, without getting sick of this. Thanks for the support!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-58137585880060915822007-12-17T15:06:00.001-06:002007-12-17T15:22:48.916-06:00Don't Cut Class, Cut the FearWell, that last entry didn't turn out the way I had envisioned it. So here's another one, short and sweet. Well not sweet, actually pretty creepy.<br /><br /><img src = "http://www.legendsofamerica.com/photos-nativeamerican/FoundingFathers.jpg"><br /><br />I had a dream last night that I was at my parents' house and some Native Americans stormed the place, looking to kill some people. They broke into my house, and I ran down to the garage, thinking the whole time that I was going to miss, and thus flunk, math class. These Native Americans bust into the garage and are heading towards my mom when I find a nice screwdriver or putty knife or something along those lines. I jump up and, fast-as-lightning jam the sharp object into both their necks, cutting their jugulars, saving the house.<br /><br /><img src = "http://www.3rddegree.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/ld2.jpg"><br /><br />Get what it means? Of course you don't. A dream is based on a person's own history and feelings. <br /><br />Here, I'll break it down for you. I always have dreams that people are "attacking" my parents' house, or are in the woods. This is because, as a kid, my dad had a gun and we had a felonious, deviant teenage neighbor. So in my head I always thought a gun battle was imminent. Native Americans are involved because, well, we took the land from them. Three beautiful acres, of course I have guilt. The thing I fear most now is law school competition, which is why they appear in a pack, and hostile. Also, I tend to view my epilepsy as sort of a <a href = "http://heyinaneedlestack.blogspot.com/2007/05/vampire-blues.html">constant threat</a>, something I always have to keep at bay.<br /><br /><img src = "http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/4/4c/275px-NosferatuShadow.jpg"><br /><br />The whole math class thing, well it's more law school fun. It meant that if I pick mindless fun over duty, I'll end up in a vulnerable position. And my mom, well she's a symbol of what I should protect. That is, I should be healthy and productive so that I can become a man. And well, I slashed the throats of the attackers... and hopefully that means that I'll take care of my fears and my health, and get to class on time :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-84317990535068348862007-12-17T13:05:00.001-06:002007-12-17T14:58:26.932-06:00Judge a Book by its Cover, and Use a Look to Find a Lover<span style="font-style:italic;">Well, I haven't written lately. To be quite honest, it's not because I don't have ideas, but because I wasn't sure if people reading this would be interested in them. But after hearing a couple positive comments about the site, I figured I'd get back to work, even if it is Monday and my brain is closed for repair.<br /></span><br />Everyone knows the expression "you can't judge a book by its cover." Well, I've always taken umbrage with this statement. I've found that in most cases, you can judge a book by its cover. Either that, or a cover influences your opinion of the product within. What I'm saying is, either pretty people are nice because if one thinks ugly one will turn ugly, or you just look past ugliness when it's done by good looking people.<br /><br />On that note, let me get to the point. I'm going to give you my year end music wrap-up illustrating this principle. It may ruffle some feathers, but as always, I'm open to debate in the comments section either here or on Facebook, where it is also posted.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Five Overrated Albums and Covers</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">5. Spoon - Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga</span><br /><img src = "http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k2/smithandrewjohn/spoongagaga.jpg"><br /><br />When I checked this CD out, I tried to overlook the <a href = "http://www.engadget.com/2005/05/09/takara-co-s-baby-translator/">babyspeak</a> title. Really, I did. The problem is not so much that, but the fact that the cover seemingly depicts a man working in an auto-body shop. So maybe the Ga Ga Ga etc. is some sort of pressurized drill or hydraulic lift noise? Hmmm. Well makes sense, since the drumming sounds like it was done by this one-handed crook we used to take our cars to.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">4. Arcade Fire - Neon Bible</span><br /><img src = "http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k2/smithandrewjohn/neonbible300.jpg"><br /><br />Ah Arcade Fire. I've never understood the fascination with this band, aside from a couple great songs on the last CD. I've never understood why, when people talk about them, they emphasize the word "Fire" rather than "Arcade." A fire in an arcade is remarkable because it's in an arcade, not because it's fire. Right? Anyway, everyone except me loves them, and I have a sneaking suspicion that it's that way because of the perfect symmetry of the album cover. In these crazy, war-torn times, the last thing we need is some sort of Cubist layout.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">3. Kanye West - Graduation/50 Cent - Curtis</span><br /><img src = "http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k2/smithandrewjohn/kanye-west-graduation.jpg"><br /><img src = "http://www.orderhiphop.com/images/50cent_curtis.jpg"><br /><br />Ok, everyone knows the story. These two were having a "battle" based on sales figures. 50 Cent was going to have to replace his wardrobe with Louis Vuitton backpacks and white polos if he lost. If Kanye's figures were worse, he'd have to get shot in the face 11 times.* Well, it quickly became apparent that this "competition" was just a parent record company hyping things, and while both albums had a song or two that got me, it's clear that these covers were half assed. <br /><br />Kanye is a repeat offender, but this one takes the cake. So a bear got shot out of a fish's mouth with the Parthenon on its head. Ok, sounds alright so far. The problem is that one cloud looks like it's a man yanking out the tongue of another cloud-man. Not cool, brah.**<br /><br />50 Cent's cover is weak. It's appropriate that the hit song "Ayo Technology" (the only good one on the CD) is on here. "Ayo, Technology! I copped one of them viruses!" If I had been in charge of this design I would've added question marks over his head. Please, no more covers that look like they're from a webcam.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">2. Justice - Cross</span><br /><img src = "http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k2/smithandrewjohn/justice-cross.jpg"><br /><br />Yeah, I said it. I haven't been to a hipster party in a year, but something tells me that if I'd gone to one, this would be playing. Why? Well, it's the type of knee slapping music whose fanbase loves it because it's ironically horrible. Why actually try to find something you like when you can just pretend you love something that you couldn't? Well, ok, you can get laid by some chick with a mullet (ironic, of course) because you dance to it.<br /><br />But after that wears off, you take the pubes out of your mouth and start to realize, this music is shit. Maybe you should've checked out the cover first. It features a cross (ironically, since there isn't a good "beat" on the album***) straight out of a 7th grade 3 subject notebook, and nothing else. Struggle to see something in the murky black depths of the cover.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1. Soulja Boy - Crank Dat</span><br /><img src = "http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k2/smithandrewjohn/soulja.jpg"><br /><br />As for the song.. dude, Crime Mob is so 2004. The fonts are <a href = "http://images.dvdpost.be/dvd/romeodoitmourirbuk.jpg">Romeo Must Die</a> and (more) 7th grade 3 subject notebook. I bet he's on the phone with his agent at Interscope, who's telling him that he has to pay yet another fee. "How much?" Soulja boy asks, with shock on his face. "$135," the agent responds, "the amount you conveniently have in your hand." Sorry Soulja, you're fighting a war you can't win.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Five Underrated Albums and Covers</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">5. White Williams - Smoke</span><br /><img src = "http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k2/smithandrewjohn/61Y4Q-huEDL_AA240_.jpg"><br /><br />This reminds me of <a href = "http://www.uweb.ucsb.edu/~dominiquebeutick/middlesex.jpg">"Middlesex"</a> in two ways. Words get spelled out in smoke, which is <a href = "http://www.alice-in-wonderland.net/alicepic/disney-movie/smoke-letters.jpg">Alice in Wonderlandish</a>. Also, the music is sung by a dude, but has this vague sexual element, leading to a sort of gender bender bender that is clearly shown on the cover. Plus, I heard hookah pipes are boss.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">4. Kavinsky - 1986 EP</span><br /><img src = "http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k2/smithandrewjohn/kavinsky1986.jpg"><br /><br />Kavinsky could teach Soulja Boy a thing or two about fonts. An S in blood, LED says 1986, backwards K on the letter-jacket. See, it's the subtle things, like the rolling hillside in his glasses, or the hands on the biceps, that make this cover stand out. The same can be said for the music, which is really awesome and upbeat, until you get these little notes in the songs that slip a little bit of dread in your drink. Perfect, since the whole concept of the band is that a high school jock died and has come back as a zombie.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">3. DJ Copy - Diva Mixtape</span><br /><img src = "http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k2/smithandrewjohn/divamixtape.gif"><br /><br />I'm not sure when this came out, but since information on it is scarce, I figured that it counted. Obviously, this is cool because of bare breasts, just like the music is obviously cool because it has songstresses such as TLC and Mariah Carey over some buzzing and perfectly-placed horns. But the cartoon diva faces are fresh and upbeat, just like the music. This is what you'll be singing in your shower after you lose your virginity.****<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">2. Animal Collective - Strawberry Jam</span><br /><img src = "http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k2/smithandrewjohn/AnimalCollective-02-wide.jpg"><br /><br />Sure, this one is popular. But I get the impression that it's that type of music that people say they like when they don't enjoy it at all. In fact, a handful of friends took time to tell me how much this blew with a sour look on their faces.<br /><br />How appropriate then, that the cover shows food. At first, I thought the jam was blood. But it works, because maybe it is blood. Maybe the strawberries are bleeding. Maybe the bleeding is good, like a leeching. Then it's all the circle of life, and the music sounds as good as the Lion King's does. Get it? Neither do I, but the music sounds good right after I've taken my medicine.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1. Glass Candy - B/E/A/T/B/O/X</span><br /><img src = "http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k2/smithandrewjohn/glasscandy.jpg"><br /><br />First off, this isn't the album's artwork. It's more from the oeuvre, nay, the treasure chest of Glass Candy. What makes it so great? A hot chick. Not going to lie, that's all it is. Do I love the music because the woman on the front is so hot? I don't know, maybe Soulja Boy should put "The Birth of Venus" on his next CD. Even if it was called "The Squirt of Penis" I would still check it out.*****<br /><br />As for the music, this is what Justice <span style="font-style:italic;">should</span> sound. This is what all music should sound like. Like a pretty girl has nothing to do but sing in a run down 70s dance-club where only you frequent. So, obviously the lead singer will date you, even if you look like Phillip Seymour Hoffman. For a sample, check out <a href = "http://tropicalhotdognight.blogspot.com/2007/11/dancing-under-stars.html">this</a>.<br /><br />Am I just a whore for visuals? I knew cartoons would ruin me when I grew up. Also, too late for inclusion were Wyclef's Carnival II (looks good) and Wu-tang's 8 Diagrams (we get it, 8 members).<br /><br /><br /><br />* Not really, but it would've been cool if they had.<br />** A reference to the fact that many of Kanye's fans are the type that would call him "brah"<br />*** Too soon?<br />**** Nothing to say here, just wanted to "copy" <a href = "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Foster_Wallace#Signature_themes_and_style">David Foster Wallace's</a> gratuitous use of footnotes.<br />***** Sorry, this entry has taken a gross turn.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31410296.post-13359623774483982072007-11-27T10:16:00.000-06:002007-11-27T11:01:00.050-06:00Walking on Sunshine (Laws)Want to kill time and do the public a service as well? Try out Matt Blunt: Document Destroyer. In the words of the manufacturer, the Missouri Democratic Party, "Matt Blunt: Document Destroyer features Whack-A-Mole style gameplay, requiring gamers to move a spotlight onto Blunt's portrait as he randomly pops up behind desktop computers and attempts to delete files."<br /><br /><img src = "http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k2/smithandrewjohn/MBtitlescreen.jpg"><br /><a href = "http://www.bluntdocumentdestroyer.com/?">Link to game</a><br /><br />Blunt has had a gubernatorial stint that has been marked by crooked deals and violations of the Sunshine Law, a bill that makes public records public. So the game has a purpose. And it made me laugh. But I played for a couple minutes, until my mouse started picking up dirt, after I'd exposed Blunt about 70 times- it's not a challenge by any stretch of the imagination.<br /><br /><img src = "http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k2/smithandrewjohn/MBgameplay.jpg"><br /><br />If you want something more mentally stimulating, try <a href = "http://www.ebaumsworld.com/games/play/1171/">this puzzle game</a>. Just keep common decency in mind, meaning no fathers and daughters together, and no mothers and sons alone. And the criminal needs to be escorted by the police, apparently. To start, click on the round button in Japanese.<br /><br /><img src = "http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k2/smithandrewjohn/rivergame.jpg"><br /><br />Maybe the Republicans should make a game where you have a bunch of Kennedy brothers, and you can't leave Darryl Hannah alone with JFK Jr. and you can't have Marilyn Monroe with.. well, any Kennedy. Although I won't tip them off, don't worry.<br /><br /><img src = "http://www.linternaute.com/sortir/cinema/diaporama/06/carriere/marilyn-monroe-intime/07.jpg"><br /><br />PS If you want to laugh at more Republicans, the YouTube debate is Wednesday on CNN. I can only imagine what kinds of questions will be asked.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0