Wedgies for All Y'all!

I'll admit it, as painful as it is to do so. My name is Drew, and I have a videogame magazine subscription.

I ordered it a few years back, because I thought to myself, oh what the hell, we all need a little bathroom reading. Sure enough, month in and month out, the magazine delivers information that is readily available on the internet in a package than can handle some shower steam.

Lately, I've become much less interested in the games themselves, as I play them less and less each day (except for Mario Kart). What the magazine still sells me on is an insight into video game culture. I consider my subscription to be part of an anthropological study. Let me explain.

At the beginning of each installment, there is the "contributors" page, which is standard to any magazine. It gives bios on what each person has accomplished, professionally and personally. Now, look at this. It's biographies of people employed by Game Informer magazine. Note their lack of true accomplishments and trophy case full of mirage.


Andy
I can picture this guy slobbering over X-rated Princess Zelda fan fiction. He's in charge.


Reiner
He claims to be the worlds biggest Star Wars fan. According to him, he has watched the movies around 1000 times. That's 2000 hours. He could've built a plane in that amount of time. No, really.


Kato
Favorite drink and snack.. Coke and fingernails. Yeah, something tells me you haven't had either one near you, bud.


Bryan
Good-looking guy. Too bad, that in two years, he'll look like Marlon Brando.


Adam
That icy look of determination... it's because now that he's out of his parents' basement he's looking to get laid. No, really, it's in his profile.


Bertz
"Lord Gamington" likes Badlands. He's cool.


Miller
Ok, I thought this guy looked like a serial killer BEFORE I read that one of his likes is "The Newly Beefed Up Assault Rifle." Uhhh


Billy
"Favorite books: I read?" A response akin to the eternal Facebook dilemma, "What are books?"

Life's just one big high school cafeteria, isn't it?