The First Annual Drewies

So it's the end of 2007 in blogville, and few bloggers avoid some sort of countdown during this time of the year. I'm not immune to this, and I'm here to present some awards, some are serious, some definitely not. Enjoy!

Best Lesbian in a Cartoon

I expect this person to accept this award for many years to come. Although at times, she's been straight, she's even been a man. But her legacy was cemented in one fateful turn of phrase - "Scissor me timbers!" That's right, South Park, you sport one of the most entertaining lesbians of all time in Mrs. Janet Garrison.

Best Lesbian in Film (Long form)

This is a stunning upset, if only because no one will know who I'm talking about. This was a loaded category, featuring performances from the likes of Jennifer Garner and her admission that she "made it with a girl once" in Catch and Release. But this person provided a performance that was brief and unconvincing to the unbiased film-goer in 2007. So, congratulations Selma Blair from Feast of Love! Although you were a weak plot device in a weak movie, your curiosity and naivete was one for the books.

Best Lesbian in Film (Short)

*Spoiler Alert* It's a truly amazing feat, when subjected to every twist in the book, to still be surprised by an admission of a same-sex relationship. But if this year was a magical year in lesbianism, then this person was the Siegfried. Yes, you guessed it, I'm talking about Tina in Trapped in the Closet. Why? Well first, she was impregnated by a man that she turned in to the fuzz, resulting in a 3 year removal from society of said man. Then, she works in a bar, sporting a broken bottle and her tough-as-nails lover as two lines of defense. And to top it off, her sexual identity was revealed in song.

Best Lesbian in a Documentary

Although Billy Mitchell from King of Kong would be a daring pick in this category, unfortunately he is definitely a man. Fooled you on the picture, holmes. So who does that leave? Well there were some incredible performances from lesbians in Deliver us from Evil, this one is going to a lesbian who demonstrated every emotion in the AIM set of emoticons. I'm of course talking about Gene's old silver-haired friend in The Bridge. First off, let me state that I'm not 100% sure that she is in fact a lesbian. But when you consider that she's in San Fransisco, surrounded by some amazing house shrubbery, and the fact that she appears to have befriended Gene out of a previously unrealized motherly instinct, it's clear as can be. In the course of the documentary, she shows lingual panache, empathy, and steely determination, sometimes all in the same sentence. Amazing.

Best Lesbian on TV

I know what you're thinking. Tila Tequila, from A Shot at Love right? No, dumbass, she wasn't a real lesbian. Or she would've picked my choice for TV lesbian of the year. Dani, her #2 and the show's plot device. Congrats!*

Best Breasts on Screen

Let me first say that I surprised myself with this pick. Why? Well, let me just say that for some reason, I was unable to procure a copy of Shoot 'em Up, this year's film lucky enough to be selected by Monica Belluci as her breast showcase of the year. As soon as I see it, she most certainly will assume her crown in this category...

but I must take these awards seriously. So in a Olympic-style technical victory, I award Marisa Tomei the title, for her performance in Before the Devil Knows You're Dead. In a movie chock-full of emotional gravitas, Tomei's character provided ample defiance of gravity, in the form of her chest. Multiple times. And she's 43. And while I watched it I convinced myself that she was only 23, making her 8 at the time of My Cousin Vinny. For a performance that was both full and well rounded, not to mention age-defying, she wins.

Best Porn for Women

Tell Me You Love Me is head and shoulders above the rest of the competition, and by head and shoulders above, I mean girl-on-top above. For reasons I can't explain, girls go crazy when they see people talking about home decorating or dropping the kids off at school and then the characters boink each other into oblivion. In all fairness, my survey only has three respondents, however, all three picked this show. I've heard you can watch it on HBO's website. Just sayin'. And yes, the couple in the picture get it on.

Best Porn for Robots

Transformers, obviously. Why? Well if robots were able to toy with reproduction for their own pleasure, I'd imagine they'd like two behemoths going Greco-Roman on top of a cloverleaf highway structure. Add to that the scene where Bumblebee is tortured in a mechanical way that S&M robots would applaud, and this is a sweep.

Best Porn for Men
Internet P...orn 1994


The Internet itself wins, and if I'd been awarding these since 1990, it would be an 18 time winner.

Best Nutritional Aid

Fiber. Was there ever an ingredient in food that did so many wonders? From bananas to granola, carrots to juice, nothing else provided the massive amounts of cleansing needed in these troubled modern times. Global Warming? Have some Metamucil. The War in Iraq? Try Ex-Lax. Housing and banking crises? Find some chocolate and coffee, stat. The Cardinals, Rams, and Blues, all blowing? Just get over your public restroom fear, and stop investing so much emotion in something that has no real implications.

Best Revival of a Synonym for "Cool"

Despite my lobbying for the word "boss,"** I have to hand it to Juno's ability to bring back Wizard. British slang rules!

So there you have it, I've run out of categories, as far as I can tell. So have a Happy New Years and a lucky 2008!

*Domenico got his own show? Boss!
**I have yet to hear anyone else use this in the past year. Honestly though, it suggests that whatever it's describing rules over us all.