Guess the spam headline that I didn't receive in my inbox.
A. Be and astronaut and rocket her to the moon
B. Hidden in your pants is a Hollywood story that is incredibly huge
C. More howls than you can shake a shiver at
D. Lost your college sweetheart to the quarterback? Get her back with this
Oh and no answer until some people guess... I'm looking at you, Eugene, Neil, and Emily. Since you all claim to have guessed every one of these...
I went to Austin this past weekend. I ended up drunk on the plane and left my copy of the Brothers Karamazov (75% read) on the plane. It was 65 and sunny every day.
I've started attending a gym in the past month or so, and after about 10 visits, I've deduced the following lessons. They each have a Howard Stern reference, since both the gym and that seminal radio show have one thing in common: dirty vibes.
1. Expect the Unexpected
I walked into the locker room when I showed up at the gym. This old guy was sitting in there. I worked out, then walked back to the locker room to get my stuff. He now had a pack of frozen, boneless skinless chicken breasts in his duffle bag. I think they'd thawed by then though. So, if you psyche yourself to expect a drunk dwarf in a bunny suit (e.g. Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf) on the elliptical, you'll be fine.
2. Every Girl Looks Exactly Alike
You know the type, they all have the same exact stretchy pants, they're all 5'0" to 5'6" and they're all 20-25. Except this old Indian woman I saw on a treadmill once. Oh and this chick who looked like John the Stutterer from the Howard Stern show.
3. Nobody Sweats
Yeah, I don't understand it either, but I guess the people at the gym aren't the ones who need the gym. Seriously, though, people.. if you come to the gym enough times, you'll look like Wack Pack member Nicole Bass
That's all for now, hopefully the more I work out, the more knowledge I acquire, and thus the more you learn.
I know, this one's half-assed. But I'm committed to this Friday thing and I'm busy working for my brother today. So grin and bear it haha
Which one is not true?
A. I was given a $10 gift card this week from Wal-Mart... for doing nothing.
B. I'm going to a roller rink tonight... but I can't skate
C. I watched 2 girls 1 cup the other night... and couldn't sleep afterward.
D. There was a guy in a stall in my work bathroom. He was talking business in a foreign language, but all I could make out was "Fed ex." And he was definitely taking a dump simultaneously.
E. A monkey brain is sitting on a jar on the lab's lunch table.
***If you're reading an imported version of this on Facebook, and the vids aren't showing up, just check out http://heyinaneedlestack.blogspot.com for them
This video makes me so happy, and I'm not really sure what cracks me up the most. I still can't figure out what exactly was going on at this party, I was too absorbed in the repartee.
Not content to leave it at that, the round the clock coverage resumed the next day, with this Corey character hanging out at the beach, not wanting to go home and face his parents. (Everything up until 1:30 is from the first video)
Seriously, if I were that reporter I'd question where I went wrong, why I ended up interviewing some drugged out, shaved-chest party boy, when I had dreams of an Pulitzer.
A. I'm going to watch a cheesy sci-fi marathon consisting of Highlander, Star Trek, and something else on MLK day
B. There's a species of banana slug that has a penis 5 times longer than its body length, the largest ratio on earth.
C. An answer of mine was picked the best answer to a question about relationships on Yahoo! Answers.
D. Dostoevsky, by all accounts, was a big asshole.
E. A world class pianist was caught with steroids.
F. A female friend of mine was hit on by one of the guys from Perfect Strangers (not Balki, but Larry)
I'm thinking it's time for another weekly feature. I need an excuse to post some Youtube videos, so here goes. After each one I've included my favorite comment from YouTube users, who crack me up more than the videos themselves. [PS - if they don't show up properly on your computer, let me know, I might have to shrink them down a little. Also, I don't know why "download video" is showing up. YouTube never shows that, there's nothing in the code, and clicking it does nothing.]
Fenslerfilm GI Joe PSA parodies have been cracking me up for years. I like to revisit them now and again, to cheer me up. Here's one of my favorites, but here are some other hilarious ones.
Lyght55:
'Reminds me of Captain Oveur from Airplane!
"Joey, did you ever hang around a gymnasium?"
"You ever been in a cockpit before?" "No." "You ever seen a grown man naked?"
"Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"
"Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?"'
If you're looking for something a little more... hmm how should I put it... highbrow, then check out this flashback video.
Gojira87: "This is why the world hates America. Look at what we did. I'm fucking ashamed of my country."
Ok, ok, highbrow was me being sarcastic. Here's one that is so good that I don't even mind the disgusting product placement.
czechman121: "wow this 8 min. movie is better then 90% of the shit in the theaters these days"
If you want a sports video, well...
chuckgeorge13: "Can't hate on that. Dude's nimble like a cat."
Subject: Writer/Director Vincent Gallo
A. Vincent Gallo used his personal website to sell his own semen. And his services in personally fertilizing a woman.
B. Vincent Gallo is a Republican.
C. Vincent Gallo served in the U.S. Marines for a brief period in the early 1980s. He was so distraught over the death of friend Jean-Michel Basquiat that he wanted out of action, and was given a dishonorable discharge.
D. There existed a $500 t-shirt with Vincent Gallo's face on it. Gallo required prospective buyers to fill out an application to purchase said garment.
E. Vincent Gallo dated Paris Hilton. And gave her VD (probably).
F. Vincent Gallo was a Calvin Klein underwear model.
G. Vincent Gallo put a curse on Roger Ebert's colon after Ebert showed considerable disgust for "The Brown Bunny" at Cannes. Ebert got colon cancer soon after. Gallo recanted, and the two squashed the beef.
H. Vincent Gallo was in a Rap Group named Trouble Deuce ... his rapper name was "Prince Vince"
Which one is a lie?? Answer in the comments section!
Should I make this a regular feature on here?
It occurred to me yesterday that modern man's (or woman's) lifespan can be broken down into periods of different types of fear. I'm going to list ages and the appropriate fear for that period in life.
0-2.5 years old: Shaken baby syndrome [fear, per se, doesn't exist.]
2.5-5 years old: Mental retardation [this is a parental fear, though.]
5-7 years old: Strangers/kidnapping
7-8 years old: Forest Fires/Clowns
8-10 years old: The Boogeyman/Scary movies
10-15 years old: Girls (or, Guys)
15-17 years old: Lifelong virginity
17-18 years old: Teen pregnancy
19-21 years old: Inability to find booze
21-24 years old: Your own proclivities/vices
24-26 years old: QUARTER LIFE CRISIS [inadequacies, death, illness, marriage, et c.]
26-30 years old: Job loss
30-35 years old: Hair loss
35-40 years old: Regret
40-60 years old: SARS/Anthrax/Terrorist Attack/Bird Flu
60-70 years old: Mad Cow
70-80 years old: Robots
|
80-100 years old: Anything shiny
100-120 years old: God
120-150 years old: The Devil [since you must've made a deal with him to live this long] or the fountain of youth [that the government will steal it from you somehow]
Oh, and the title is a reference to two of my favorite clothing lines from the early 90's. No Fear, obviously, and Big Johnson. Behold!
P.S. You'll notice that I have a few trademarked items on here. Until I figure out if posting these is breaking any law, I'll leave them up. Because pictures make it so much more pretty, right?
1. I just saw this guy downstairs (at my work) who looks like John Bolton. No small feat for the doppleganger, as Bolton looks like this:
2. My little sister and I used to do this thing called "belly bunting." In order to belly bunt, you had to puff out your stomach, and then sort of run at each other, trying to knock over the other one. I find no reference to this through google, so I can only assume that we invented it. I should patent it, it's like a cross between joust and red rover.
3. Chicken makes your farts meatier, according to credible sources. So I've switched Cassidy to a chicken less diet for her last week in Saint Louis.
If I did stand-up comedy, this would be one of my bits.
PMS stands for premenstrual syndrome. Syndrome, like as in Down's syndrome. No offense to women, I know cramps and chocolate cravings probably suck, but it's not like an extra chromosome appears for a week. Can't we just call it premenstrual jitters? What about preblood jitters. PBJ. Ok, dinner time!
I'm not one for New Year's resolutions. They seem overly optimistic and just a way to make polite conversation at whatever party you happen to be attending. Well, this year I made a vow, for the first time in my life.
You see, one of the things I'm thinking of doing in law school is intellectual property law. You can do a lot of good with it, as the cases seem to run company vs. individual or big company vs. little company. I've always had an interest in media copyright policy (i.e. music/film downloading issues).
So my resolution is to refrain from violating copyright law in 2008 as much as possible. If you think that you could do it completely, then duct tape your mouth before singing "Happy Birthday" and steer clear of YouTube. I challenge anyone to say they haven't violated copyright law in some trivial way.
That being said, I decided to eulogize my old stomping grounds, and mention a few businesses that I now expect to collect on my newfound morals. And I'll do this in the true spirit of the holiday, by comparing each to a person at a New Year's party.
Napster
Napster was the originator of this whole movement. I don't exactly remember who told me about it, but I remember it was very early on at college. I was blown away by the possibilities, and the slick interface was easy enough that within weeks of it first appearing in the dorms, everyone was hooked and suddenly had these giant libraries of music with which to dance. It all seemed too good to be true, and was. Napster is now an incredibly unsuccessful counterpoint to iTunes. Sell out.
Napster is like a guy throwing a party. He's older and buys the beer, and even sometimes gives it away just because he's a nice sumbitch. As time goes on, though, too many people start using him for his generosity, and he shaves his mustache and gets a desk job. He then picks up a wife, kids, and prescription drug habit, disappearing, except in the teary eyed, nostalgic drunk recollections of his former acolytes. One day he pops back up at a party, but he's lost it. Just lost it.
iMesh
iMesh was where everyone got their videos, and was peas to Napster's carrots. It sticks out in my mind because it showed the videos that no longer aired on MTV, and also because of one extremely popular video. Keep in mind, this was before YouTube, so if people were dancing in the Filipino prisons, you'd get the video off iMesh. It didn't hold up too well for the traffic it generated, though, and was thus a bad omen of things to come.
iMesh is the guy who shows up at a party first. He's not as good looking or suave or intelligent as the host. His whole game is trying to be around the host while carving off a little drunk something for himself. He shows up first so that he gets maximum drinking time for the night. He's inadvertently funny, however, and thus an important part of the development of a party.
WinMX
WinMX, as I think it was called, jumped into the mix pretty early and was memorable for exactly nothing. I'm not even sure that WinMX is the thing I used. That's how forgettable the whole operation was.
WinMX is like the guy who shows up with iMesh because it beats sitting around the dorm watching The Color of Night with some chicken tenders. He has big dreams but knows they won't come true.
Morpheus
Ah Morpheus. Finally, someone made an upgrade. Morpheus popped up on the scene, and no one really understood how it worked exactly. But they knew that they could grab new movies on the thing, or even some cheap songs now that Napster had sort of disappeared.
Morpheus is definitely the guy who shows up and suggests a game of Circle of Death. Although it seems like a yawner at first, you know that it'll lead to a big payoff - drunk girls. You don't know how he does it but you'll gladly reap the benefits.
Limewire
Limewire was the beginning of the end of the Napster form (P2P) of filesharing. Due to the success of Morpheus and the demise of a solid MP3 source, people wanted a program that had full CDs on it. Limewire ran as slow as molasses though, though nobody was sure why. Nevertheless, some people stuck with it, up until recently, as it appears that it is still functional.
Limewire is the girl that shows up to a crowd full of dudes, but doesn't seem to mind. She's nice to the point of being too nice, and people start to suspect she's up to something. But she's drinking like a pro, and is still a pretty nice option for the guys, despite the fact that she's already broken a chair and spilled red wine on the carpet.
Kazaa
Kazaa. Dear God, just typing it brings back chills. Limewire had done a little damage to my computer, but Kazaa didn't even hide the damage. It installed a good handful of harful software, and forced a few resets a day of my trusty old computer. The reason you put it on your computer was that it had an incredible amount of copyrighted material. You could grab thousands of dollars of CDs and movies in an hour. The reason everyone was on it, well... it was a consequence of it being impossible to uninstall and running in the background. It resulted in many a computer, including my own, to be discarded as "old" and "broken," when in fact it was just stupid-ass Kazaa.
Limewire has done a little damage to the party, and Kazaa threatens to ruin the whole thing. A friend of Morpheus, she is hot, and the rumor is that she will do anything with anyone. Guys, girls, midget strippers. Well, of course you fool around with her for a few early on at the party. It's cool until every single one of your friends gains some new perspective and new understanding of the female body, all from her. So you make a mental note to get an STD check, but know that by the time of the check it will be too late.
On a personal note, this reminds me of the time I was at a party in high school, and five guys, myself included, realized we all had spent alone time with the same girl, to varying degrees. We all said a few nostalgic words, then did a cheers to the hilarity of it all.
Audiogalaxy
Audiogalaxy was interesting for a few reasons. One, you had to go through the internet to pick songs. You then clicked some big box on the site next to the song you wanted, and the little applet opened up and promptly and politely placed it on your computer.
Audiogalaxy is like the girl who shows up at the party and doesn't get a glance. She's wearing a ponytail and glasses, and has a boyfriend. Three strikes in many a meathead's mind. However, if you talk to her a little, you'll see that she has some genuinely interesting things to say, and you find yourself satisfied in a way other than carnally. In fact, you find good conversation to be more scarce at a party than good action, which due to basic economic principles, makes it more valuable.
Direct Connect
Direct Connect was something a friend talked about. The premise was Marxist. If you shared, you reaped benefits, if you did not, you were S.O.L. Of course, then people would share a bunch of system files, basically their whole hard drive, including sensitive information, only to be greeted with millions of GB of TV shows like Stargate SG1.
Direct Connect is the guy that shows up with a handful of girls. You think, ah, great, this will even out the party's ratio. But he doesn't introduce you, and seems irritated that they're aren't many people at the party, especially girls. You try to talk to one of the girls, and she says something about not drinking, and says it really really loudly, while she gets shify eyed. He leaves with his stable, and nobody seems to mind.
Soulseek
Ahh, finally we get to the good stuff. Soulseek was another recommendation from a computer programmer friend, and introduced me to a lot of interesting musical outfits, from electronic, to underground rap, and beyond. The knowledge of the users is remarkable, and so of course you were more likely to find Autechre than Green Day on here. Apparently it is still up and running, and if you want to break laws for the both of us, try it out. And let me know what the cool kids are listening to nowadays.
This service was like the girl who walks into the party and causes a hushed silence. Why? Well it probably has to do with the fact that she's got purple hair and is wearing a torn up t-shirt with Basquiat on it. In other words, she's too cool to be hanging out at this party, and seems a little irritated at the lack of style as she chugs her bottle of authentic Russian vodka. Might as well make a play for her, but pretend you aren't that impressed, because she gets that shit daily.
Torrent Sites
Torrents. You've heard of them, but haven't tried. It's where all the serious criminals hang out, and the logical progression of file sharing. You could have every episode of the Simpsons by tomorrow. You can grab a copy of Freakonomics, the new Wyclef CD, and a bunch of games for your cellphone within a few minutes. The possibilities are endless. There are even celebrities within the movement, such as the guy who started the Pirate Bay, and a notorious DVD pirate named aXXo (who has many impersonators, just like a real pirate!). The problem with these stooges is that they don't think they're committing a crime. Cowboy up, men! Really, they actually put out a film talking about the changing culture with the technology. The technology is just an intelligent way circumventing copyright laws. You get tiny pieces from everyone, not just one person. So no one is technically sharing a complete work, just pieces of it. These are the legal issues I look forward to studying, believe it or not.
Torrent sites are the crowd that show up, fill up the party, get everybody dancing, and clog the toilets. Suddenly, after these guys and girls show up, you realize that this may be the best party of your life. The party is getting too awesome though, and you're starting to think that you may get into some legal trouble later in the night. So you just let them all party and have a good laugh, all while preparing your lines to get out of a noise violation.
Part 2 will be forthcoming, as this entry has taken up a good chunk of my day at work already. It'll concern Amazon Unbox and iTunes, my new legal friends.
[Sorry this is long and texty. I was thinking about presenting pictures on this, but I wasn't sure how to handle copyrighted images! Maybe once I talk to my lawyer...]
So it's the end of 2007 in blogville, and few bloggers avoid some sort of countdown during this time of the year. I'm not immune to this, and I'm here to present some awards, some are serious, some definitely not. Enjoy!
Best Lesbian in a Cartoon
I expect this person to accept this award for many years to come. Although at times, she's been straight, she's even been a man. But her legacy was cemented in one fateful turn of phrase - "Scissor me timbers!" That's right, South Park, you sport one of the most entertaining lesbians of all time in Mrs. Janet Garrison.
Best Lesbian in Film (Long form)
This is a stunning upset, if only because no one will know who I'm talking about. This was a loaded category, featuring performances from the likes of Jennifer Garner and her admission that she "made it with a girl once" in Catch and Release. But this person provided a performance that was brief and unconvincing to the unbiased film-goer in 2007. So, congratulations Selma Blair from Feast of Love! Although you were a weak plot device in a weak movie, your curiosity and naivete was one for the books.
Best Lesbian in Film (Short)
*Spoiler Alert* It's a truly amazing feat, when subjected to every twist in the book, to still be surprised by an admission of a same-sex relationship. But if this year was a magical year in lesbianism, then this person was the Siegfried. Yes, you guessed it, I'm talking about Tina in Trapped in the Closet. Why? Well first, she was impregnated by a man that she turned in to the fuzz, resulting in a 3 year removal from society of said man. Then, she works in a bar, sporting a broken bottle and her tough-as-nails lover as two lines of defense. And to top it off, her sexual identity was revealed in song.
Best Lesbian in a Documentary
Although Billy Mitchell from King of Kong would be a daring pick in this category, unfortunately he is definitely a man. Fooled you on the picture, holmes. So who does that leave? Well there were some incredible performances from lesbians in Deliver us from Evil, this one is going to a lesbian who demonstrated every emotion in the AIM set of emoticons. I'm of course talking about Gene's old silver-haired friend in The Bridge. First off, let me state that I'm not 100% sure that she is in fact a lesbian. But when you consider that she's in San Fransisco, surrounded by some amazing house shrubbery, and the fact that she appears to have befriended Gene out of a previously unrealized motherly instinct, it's clear as can be. In the course of the documentary, she shows lingual panache, empathy, and steely determination, sometimes all in the same sentence. Amazing.
Best Lesbian on TV
I know what you're thinking. Tila Tequila, from A Shot at Love right? No, dumbass, she wasn't a real lesbian. Or she would've picked my choice for TV lesbian of the year. Dani, her #2 and the show's plot device. Congrats!*
Best Breasts on Screen
Let me first say that I surprised myself with this pick. Why? Well, let me just say that for some reason, I was unable to procure a copy of Shoot 'em Up, this year's film lucky enough to be selected by Monica Belluci as her breast showcase of the year. As soon as I see it, she most certainly will assume her crown in this category...
but I must take these awards seriously. So in a Olympic-style technical victory, I award Marisa Tomei the title, for her performance in Before the Devil Knows You're Dead. In a movie chock-full of emotional gravitas, Tomei's character provided ample defiance of gravity, in the form of her chest. Multiple times. And she's 43. And while I watched it I convinced myself that she was only 23, making her 8 at the time of My Cousin Vinny. For a performance that was both full and well rounded, not to mention age-defying, she wins.
Best Porn for Women
Tell Me You Love Me is head and shoulders above the rest of the competition, and by head and shoulders above, I mean girl-on-top above. For reasons I can't explain, girls go crazy when they see people talking about home decorating or dropping the kids off at school and then the characters boink each other into oblivion. In all fairness, my survey only has three respondents, however, all three picked this show. I've heard you can watch it on HBO's website. Just sayin'. And yes, the couple in the picture get it on.
Best Porn for Robots
Transformers, obviously. Why? Well if robots were able to toy with reproduction for their own pleasure, I'd imagine they'd like two behemoths going Greco-Roman on top of a cloverleaf highway structure. Add to that the scene where Bumblebee is tortured in a mechanical way that S&M robots would applaud, and this is a sweep.
Best Porn for Men
Internet P...orn 1994
The Internet itself wins, and if I'd been awarding these since 1990, it would be an 18 time winner.
Best Nutritional Aid
Fiber. Was there ever an ingredient in food that did so many wonders? From bananas to granola, carrots to juice, nothing else provided the massive amounts of cleansing needed in these troubled modern times. Global Warming? Have some Metamucil. The War in Iraq? Try Ex-Lax. Housing and banking crises? Find some chocolate and coffee, stat. The Cardinals, Rams, and Blues, all blowing? Just get over your public restroom fear, and stop investing so much emotion in something that has no real implications.
Best Revival of a Synonym for "Cool"
Despite my lobbying for the word "boss,"** I have to hand it to Juno's ability to bring back Wizard. British slang rules!
So there you have it, I've run out of categories, as far as I can tell. So have a Happy New Years and a lucky 2008!
*Domenico got his own show? Boss!
**I have yet to hear anyone else use this in the past year. Honestly though, it suggests that whatever it's describing rules over us all.
John Edwards fathered an illegitimate child.
Jamie Lynn Spears is pregant (not by John Edwards).
Dick Cheney's office in the White House was on fire.
Dennis Kucinich's brother was found dead.
Tila Tequila didn't pick Dani.
And the lab is saying goodbye to someone (can't elaborate).
What kind of messed up 24 hours is this??? Well, as for my blog, it's been an upside down week. This is my fourth post in a few days. And I've generated a lot more traffic, too. Check out these search terms that have led people to this blog (all from the past week):
The Popular
water? like from the toilet (several vatiations)
About 50% of keyword visits!
The Obvious
the things you own end up owning you
argyria pics
50 year old women
hgh for a 50 year old
blog women 50 years
blog for 50 year old women
style for 50 year old women
50 year old women no children
10% of my total keyword visits? What the hell?
Animals
bear hibernation butt plug (several searches)
learned behavior spider monkey
computer bullfighting games
Explanation-defying
can i see some shaved gays
cocktail-conversation-topics
encino man will be back
unsolved mysteries in canada
Huh?
Wow.
Hey, apparently that last post was #100! Good to know, since I've had 2 blogs (that I can remember). One was from my days in the dorms, and mainly was one of those "here's what I ate for dinner" and "here's where I partied" things. The next one was my last year of college, where I chronicled my "five bars a week" and "flunking classes" phase. Both were high on the "me" scale, and I like to think I've kept out of that "dear diary" trap.
[Buchla 101 Synth]
Nothing much today, but last night I read this article at the Economist, which blew my mind. Have you ever thought about why people answer the phone "Hello," as opposed to "Ahoy, ahoy" as originally proposed? Well, I was reminded of this later in the night, when I tried answering the phone in different ways than just uttering "Hello," when my mom and my sister called. I think they thought I was drunk or depressed when I answered "What's up?" I think it's also interesting when people try to answer their cell phone "Hello?" as if they have no clue who is calling. I'd understand if the person were blind, but then again how would they have answered the phone, right?
Personally, I've been guilty of a handful of these. Luckily my boss hasn't requested the Facebook friendship, but I think he could see my profile for a year, whoops! All this history of spam makes me wonder what the next step will be...
People tattooing themselves so that anybody who bones them is boning a commercial?
[this adds new meaning to the term "tramp stamp."]
People devoting whole web pages to ads?
Million Dollar Homepage
People naming their babies after corporations?
Forget the future, I'm just blown away by the present. Especially the fact that I've spammed you with my thoughts 101 times and counting, without getting sick of this. Thanks for the support!
Well, that last entry didn't turn out the way I had envisioned it. So here's another one, short and sweet. Well not sweet, actually pretty creepy.
I had a dream last night that I was at my parents' house and some Native Americans stormed the place, looking to kill some people. They broke into my house, and I ran down to the garage, thinking the whole time that I was going to miss, and thus flunk, math class. These Native Americans bust into the garage and are heading towards my mom when I find a nice screwdriver or putty knife or something along those lines. I jump up and, fast-as-lightning jam the sharp object into both their necks, cutting their jugulars, saving the house.
Get what it means? Of course you don't. A dream is based on a person's own history and feelings.
Here, I'll break it down for you. I always have dreams that people are "attacking" my parents' house, or are in the woods. This is because, as a kid, my dad had a gun and we had a felonious, deviant teenage neighbor. So in my head I always thought a gun battle was imminent. Native Americans are involved because, well, we took the land from them. Three beautiful acres, of course I have guilt. The thing I fear most now is law school competition, which is why they appear in a pack, and hostile. Also, I tend to view my epilepsy as sort of a constant threat, something I always have to keep at bay.
The whole math class thing, well it's more law school fun. It meant that if I pick mindless fun over duty, I'll end up in a vulnerable position. And my mom, well she's a symbol of what I should protect. That is, I should be healthy and productive so that I can become a man. And well, I slashed the throats of the attackers... and hopefully that means that I'll take care of my fears and my health, and get to class on time :)
Well, I haven't written lately. To be quite honest, it's not because I don't have ideas, but because I wasn't sure if people reading this would be interested in them. But after hearing a couple positive comments about the site, I figured I'd get back to work, even if it is Monday and my brain is closed for repair.
Everyone knows the expression "you can't judge a book by its cover." Well, I've always taken umbrage with this statement. I've found that in most cases, you can judge a book by its cover. Either that, or a cover influences your opinion of the product within. What I'm saying is, either pretty people are nice because if one thinks ugly one will turn ugly, or you just look past ugliness when it's done by good looking people.
On that note, let me get to the point. I'm going to give you my year end music wrap-up illustrating this principle. It may ruffle some feathers, but as always, I'm open to debate in the comments section either here or on Facebook, where it is also posted.
Five Overrated Albums and Covers
5. Spoon - Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga
When I checked this CD out, I tried to overlook the babyspeak title. Really, I did. The problem is not so much that, but the fact that the cover seemingly depicts a man working in an auto-body shop. So maybe the Ga Ga Ga etc. is some sort of pressurized drill or hydraulic lift noise? Hmmm. Well makes sense, since the drumming sounds like it was done by this one-handed crook we used to take our cars to.
4. Arcade Fire - Neon Bible
Ah Arcade Fire. I've never understood the fascination with this band, aside from a couple great songs on the last CD. I've never understood why, when people talk about them, they emphasize the word "Fire" rather than "Arcade." A fire in an arcade is remarkable because it's in an arcade, not because it's fire. Right? Anyway, everyone except me loves them, and I have a sneaking suspicion that it's that way because of the perfect symmetry of the album cover. In these crazy, war-torn times, the last thing we need is some sort of Cubist layout.
3. Kanye West - Graduation/50 Cent - Curtis
Ok, everyone knows the story. These two were having a "battle" based on sales figures. 50 Cent was going to have to replace his wardrobe with Louis Vuitton backpacks and white polos if he lost. If Kanye's figures were worse, he'd have to get shot in the face 11 times.* Well, it quickly became apparent that this "competition" was just a parent record company hyping things, and while both albums had a song or two that got me, it's clear that these covers were half assed.
Kanye is a repeat offender, but this one takes the cake. So a bear got shot out of a fish's mouth with the Parthenon on its head. Ok, sounds alright so far. The problem is that one cloud looks like it's a man yanking out the tongue of another cloud-man. Not cool, brah.**
50 Cent's cover is weak. It's appropriate that the hit song "Ayo Technology" (the only good one on the CD) is on here. "Ayo, Technology! I copped one of them viruses!" If I had been in charge of this design I would've added question marks over his head. Please, no more covers that look like they're from a webcam.
2. Justice - Cross
Yeah, I said it. I haven't been to a hipster party in a year, but something tells me that if I'd gone to one, this would be playing. Why? Well, it's the type of knee slapping music whose fanbase loves it because it's ironically horrible. Why actually try to find something you like when you can just pretend you love something that you couldn't? Well, ok, you can get laid by some chick with a mullet (ironic, of course) because you dance to it.
But after that wears off, you take the pubes out of your mouth and start to realize, this music is shit. Maybe you should've checked out the cover first. It features a cross (ironically, since there isn't a good "beat" on the album***) straight out of a 7th grade 3 subject notebook, and nothing else. Struggle to see something in the murky black depths of the cover.
1. Soulja Boy - Crank Dat
As for the song.. dude, Crime Mob is so 2004. The fonts are Romeo Must Die and (more) 7th grade 3 subject notebook. I bet he's on the phone with his agent at Interscope, who's telling him that he has to pay yet another fee. "How much?" Soulja boy asks, with shock on his face. "$135," the agent responds, "the amount you conveniently have in your hand." Sorry Soulja, you're fighting a war you can't win.
Five Underrated Albums and Covers
5. White Williams - Smoke
This reminds me of "Middlesex" in two ways. Words get spelled out in smoke, which is Alice in Wonderlandish. Also, the music is sung by a dude, but has this vague sexual element, leading to a sort of gender bender bender that is clearly shown on the cover. Plus, I heard hookah pipes are boss.
4. Kavinsky - 1986 EP
Kavinsky could teach Soulja Boy a thing or two about fonts. An S in blood, LED says 1986, backwards K on the letter-jacket. See, it's the subtle things, like the rolling hillside in his glasses, or the hands on the biceps, that make this cover stand out. The same can be said for the music, which is really awesome and upbeat, until you get these little notes in the songs that slip a little bit of dread in your drink. Perfect, since the whole concept of the band is that a high school jock died and has come back as a zombie.
3. DJ Copy - Diva Mixtape
I'm not sure when this came out, but since information on it is scarce, I figured that it counted. Obviously, this is cool because of bare breasts, just like the music is obviously cool because it has songstresses such as TLC and Mariah Carey over some buzzing and perfectly-placed horns. But the cartoon diva faces are fresh and upbeat, just like the music. This is what you'll be singing in your shower after you lose your virginity.****
2. Animal Collective - Strawberry Jam
Sure, this one is popular. But I get the impression that it's that type of music that people say they like when they don't enjoy it at all. In fact, a handful of friends took time to tell me how much this blew with a sour look on their faces.
How appropriate then, that the cover shows food. At first, I thought the jam was blood. But it works, because maybe it is blood. Maybe the strawberries are bleeding. Maybe the bleeding is good, like a leeching. Then it's all the circle of life, and the music sounds as good as the Lion King's does. Get it? Neither do I, but the music sounds good right after I've taken my medicine.
1. Glass Candy - B/E/A/T/B/O/X
First off, this isn't the album's artwork. It's more from the oeuvre, nay, the treasure chest of Glass Candy. What makes it so great? A hot chick. Not going to lie, that's all it is. Do I love the music because the woman on the front is so hot? I don't know, maybe Soulja Boy should put "The Birth of Venus" on his next CD. Even if it was called "The Squirt of Penis" I would still check it out.*****
As for the music, this is what Justice should sound. This is what all music should sound like. Like a pretty girl has nothing to do but sing in a run down 70s dance-club where only you frequent. So, obviously the lead singer will date you, even if you look like Phillip Seymour Hoffman. For a sample, check out this.
Am I just a whore for visuals? I knew cartoons would ruin me when I grew up. Also, too late for inclusion were Wyclef's Carnival II (looks good) and Wu-tang's 8 Diagrams (we get it, 8 members).
* Not really, but it would've been cool if they had.
** A reference to the fact that many of Kanye's fans are the type that would call him "brah"
*** Too soon?
**** Nothing to say here, just wanted to "copy" David Foster Wallace's gratuitous use of footnotes.
***** Sorry, this entry has taken a gross turn.
Want to kill time and do the public a service as well? Try out Matt Blunt: Document Destroyer. In the words of the manufacturer, the Missouri Democratic Party, "Matt Blunt: Document Destroyer features Whack-A-Mole style gameplay, requiring gamers to move a spotlight onto Blunt's portrait as he randomly pops up behind desktop computers and attempts to delete files."
Link to game
Blunt has had a gubernatorial stint that has been marked by crooked deals and violations of the Sunshine Law, a bill that makes public records public. So the game has a purpose. And it made me laugh. But I played for a couple minutes, until my mouse started picking up dirt, after I'd exposed Blunt about 70 times- it's not a challenge by any stretch of the imagination.
If you want something more mentally stimulating, try this puzzle game. Just keep common decency in mind, meaning no fathers and daughters together, and no mothers and sons alone. And the criminal needs to be escorted by the police, apparently. To start, click on the round button in Japanese.
Maybe the Republicans should make a game where you have a bunch of Kennedy brothers, and you can't leave Darryl Hannah alone with JFK Jr. and you can't have Marilyn Monroe with.. well, any Kennedy. Although I won't tip them off, don't worry.
PS If you want to laugh at more Republicans, the YouTube debate is Wednesday on CNN. I can only imagine what kinds of questions will be asked.
I just watched one of the most disturbing movies I've seen in my life. "Deliver Us from Evil" is the story of Oliver O'Grady, a priest responsible for molesting 100+ children in California in the 70s, 80s and 90s.
It's a movie that forces me not only question the entire Catholic faith, but the suffocating depths of the evil of man. Some current estimates say that 1 in 100 Catholics have been abused by priests. Think about that for a second. If you want to take the plunge and watch it, hang on to your jaw. Here's the first part, and links to the other parts.
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
If you were raised as a Roman Catholic, as I was, you know hundreds of other Catholics. In my experience there are two common reactions. One, the inability to walk within 100 yards of a church without feeling queasy. The second response is a flat denial that the problems are prevalent or that this is a problem. Some people accept it as a problem and still fill the church's coffers, assisting with the $1,000,000,000 in settlements that the church has doled out. Keep in mind, this number is just the current figure.
Not to trivialize what happens to survivors, but even for spectators such as myself, who confront this issue, this is more than unsettling. We were raised to believe that the world was wicked, that the only way to find eternal happiness (think about what that means for a second) was to turn to the church, the beacon of what is right and just in the world. The refuge for the good. And to think that so much pain was given a PR spin and it was all about the almighty dollar and the image of the body, I just don't know if I'll be able to shake it for a long time.
And a personal note to anyone who claims that problems are overstated, or that victims are just money grubbers... this isn't the case. Although I have never been involved in anything inappropriate with a priest, I do know people who have told disturbing stories. And they didn't do it for money or attention, they did it red-faced and flustered.
EDIT: Here's another report that is unsettling as well, although not as shocking. Then there's this, which highlights that this is truly not healthy behavior... and raises even more questions about the habits and behaviors of the clergy.
If you find this all too disturbing, I suggest you find comfort in something lighter. The South Park episode which deals with this subject in a much lighter way. (Note: You should probably open your volume controls and have them ready for when this starts.)
Hooray for Slickdeals! A few weeks ago, I signed up for a handful of FREE magazine subscriptions. One was Entertainment Weekly, a magazine I thought Cassidy would enjoy. As is usually the case, I become hooked like a trout. Then I see this blurb.
First of all, I don't spring for the usual dribble from Hollywood's mouth. Sure, here's the occasional You, Me, and Dupree, but I like my films more artsy. I know most people love that garbage, so I don't criticize it. However, this reeked of ad-creep.* Look, I laugh at little people too..
... but this is ridiculous.
Let me start at the beginning. Christmas is a holiday celebrating Jesus' birthday, right? Not really. First, a melange of Christian, harvest, and pagan holidays combined into one all-inclusive day. How did this get started? Well Christians wanted to convert pagans, so they just decided to throw Jesus into the busiest holiday time in Europe.
Saint Nicholas lived around 300 AD, under 5 feet tall and with a broken nose. As an infant, he was so holy that he fasted from his mother's breasts 2 days a week. And when he found out a couple was going to have to work the street corner to make ends meet, he threw money into their windows and chimney. According to some customs, he even employed a pack of demons to deliver goods, and Saint Nicholas himself was said to torment naughty children in their sleep. The lesson was, if he liked you and you were nice people about to whore, then you hit the jackpot.
Meanwhile, in Germany, there was a legend about the Norse god Odin. He was said to have rode his flying horse onto rooftops so his horse could feast on hay voluntarily left in children's shoes. In exchange, Odin dropped some candy in the shoes. Odin was an old guy with a beard, and people have always loved both money and candy, so you can see how the two icons got mixed up after some back and forth conquering and interbreeding. Why settle for candy when you can have money and candy?
Throughout the Middle Ages, a bona fide holiday began to emerge on December 25th. It was a point of tension between Catholics and Protestants. Mainly because drunkenness, promiscuity, and gambling were accepted parts of the festivities. In Dutch country, Saint Nicholas evolved into a character named Sinterklaas, who rode on rooftops on his horse "Bad Weather Today." He also may or may not have had an African slave boy, but that's been whitewashed, of course.
Point is, what people learned from Sinterklaas was that you could drink and sleep around and still get money and candy out of the deal.
Centuries later, the North American colonies were settled, and the Dutch settled in what is now New York. Teasing is as old as the human race, so a local author made a joke of Sinterklaas, depicting him as a jolly, fat, smoking sailor in a green winter coat.
Meanwhile, in the UK, Father Christmas, a different version of Saint Nicholas, didn't bring gifts, so he was promptly merged into the image on Sinterklaas. This resulted in a modern image of Santa Claus, invented by a cartoonist named Thomas Nast, in the 1800s. After a fictional book by L. Frank Baum, many companies latched onto his idea of a rich, flying immortal. This was more adaptable to commerce during the Industrial Revolution. In the imaginary world, they could sell anything. For example, Coca-Cola cemented the image of the jolly old fellow in red and white with a barrage of advertising in the 1930's.** He'd been depicted that way before, but in a matter of years he was decked out permanently in Coke colors.
Around the same time, someone came up with the "workshop" model of toys, a merry image of happy but productive elves using traditional methods in a production line. I've always looked at elves as just smart-mouthed children. And I don't think it's a coincidence that child labor laws were under threat at the time. What better propaganda to spread than one similar to children in a factory, banging away for the good of the whole country? Luckily this image didn't kill a sense of morality, and in 1938, well after the workshop model had first appeared, FDR signed limits to child labor. I say we shut down the sweatshop at the North Pole too!
In the 1950's, suddenly Santa had a wife. Mrs. Claus is a dutiful partner who doesn't do much except give the jolly old man a foot rub and cup of cocoa. I know everyone loves this image, but it's more propaganda. Why? Well, as you learn in any history book, the 50's were a time of middle-class expansion. Some call it the baby boom, because all the soldiers coming back from the war got married and banged out a few kids. Well, this wasn't accidental- the country was worried about the Communists, and people not married didn't have kids.*** The idea of a June Cleaver-type was good for the country's most prized resource (besides nukes) - human labor.
Which brings me to my original point. I was looking in EW and saw this set for Fred Claus, which includes modernized toy manufacturing. I know this isn't knew, but the product placement is what threw me.
Let me recap.
1. Arbitrary day is chosen for a holy day.
2. Holy man is associated with holy day.
3. Holy man gives out things to nice people.
4. Holy man likes to party and loosens up his morals.
5. Cool, pipe smoking drunk becomes immortal.
6. Said drunk switches to Coca-Cola and matches his clothes to the bottle.
7. Sober, happy, immortal enlists the help of laborers and makes gifts in his factory.
8. Immortal gets married to subservient wife.
9. Companies outsource to immortal man who doesn't exist except in popular media.
Yeah, right, the only way I'll believe all this is if North Pole (which is water, by the way) labor standards are worse than the ones in Southeast Asia. Hopefully I can start up some holiday and myth that will last longer than this whole commercial charade.
FOOTNOTES:
*I've actually been softening up my anti-corporate stance lately, believe it or not. My next post will probably deal with it.
**It is worth noting here that, in the early 20th century, Coca-Cola did, in fact, contain cocaine. 9 mg per glass, or about a quarter of a line.
***The government would eventually resort to researching the gay bomb to deal with this problem.
