The First Annual Drewies

So it's the end of 2007 in blogville, and few bloggers avoid some sort of countdown during this time of the year. I'm not immune to this, and I'm here to present some awards, some are serious, some definitely not. Enjoy!

Best Lesbian in a Cartoon

I expect this person to accept this award for many years to come. Although at times, she's been straight, she's even been a man. But her legacy was cemented in one fateful turn of phrase - "Scissor me timbers!" That's right, South Park, you sport one of the most entertaining lesbians of all time in Mrs. Janet Garrison.

Best Lesbian in Film (Long form)

This is a stunning upset, if only because no one will know who I'm talking about. This was a loaded category, featuring performances from the likes of Jennifer Garner and her admission that she "made it with a girl once" in Catch and Release. But this person provided a performance that was brief and unconvincing to the unbiased film-goer in 2007. So, congratulations Selma Blair from Feast of Love! Although you were a weak plot device in a weak movie, your curiosity and naivete was one for the books.

Best Lesbian in Film (Short)

*Spoiler Alert* It's a truly amazing feat, when subjected to every twist in the book, to still be surprised by an admission of a same-sex relationship. But if this year was a magical year in lesbianism, then this person was the Siegfried. Yes, you guessed it, I'm talking about Tina in Trapped in the Closet. Why? Well first, she was impregnated by a man that she turned in to the fuzz, resulting in a 3 year removal from society of said man. Then, she works in a bar, sporting a broken bottle and her tough-as-nails lover as two lines of defense. And to top it off, her sexual identity was revealed in song.

Best Lesbian in a Documentary

Although Billy Mitchell from King of Kong would be a daring pick in this category, unfortunately he is definitely a man. Fooled you on the picture, holmes. So who does that leave? Well there were some incredible performances from lesbians in Deliver us from Evil, this one is going to a lesbian who demonstrated every emotion in the AIM set of emoticons. I'm of course talking about Gene's old silver-haired friend in The Bridge. First off, let me state that I'm not 100% sure that she is in fact a lesbian. But when you consider that she's in San Fransisco, surrounded by some amazing house shrubbery, and the fact that she appears to have befriended Gene out of a previously unrealized motherly instinct, it's clear as can be. In the course of the documentary, she shows lingual panache, empathy, and steely determination, sometimes all in the same sentence. Amazing.

Best Lesbian on TV

I know what you're thinking. Tila Tequila, from A Shot at Love right? No, dumbass, she wasn't a real lesbian. Or she would've picked my choice for TV lesbian of the year. Dani, her #2 and the show's plot device. Congrats!*

Best Breasts on Screen

Let me first say that I surprised myself with this pick. Why? Well, let me just say that for some reason, I was unable to procure a copy of Shoot 'em Up, this year's film lucky enough to be selected by Monica Belluci as her breast showcase of the year. As soon as I see it, she most certainly will assume her crown in this category...

but I must take these awards seriously. So in a Olympic-style technical victory, I award Marisa Tomei the title, for her performance in Before the Devil Knows You're Dead. In a movie chock-full of emotional gravitas, Tomei's character provided ample defiance of gravity, in the form of her chest. Multiple times. And she's 43. And while I watched it I convinced myself that she was only 23, making her 8 at the time of My Cousin Vinny. For a performance that was both full and well rounded, not to mention age-defying, she wins.

Best Porn for Women

Tell Me You Love Me is head and shoulders above the rest of the competition, and by head and shoulders above, I mean girl-on-top above. For reasons I can't explain, girls go crazy when they see people talking about home decorating or dropping the kids off at school and then the characters boink each other into oblivion. In all fairness, my survey only has three respondents, however, all three picked this show. I've heard you can watch it on HBO's website. Just sayin'. And yes, the couple in the picture get it on.

Best Porn for Robots

Transformers, obviously. Why? Well if robots were able to toy with reproduction for their own pleasure, I'd imagine they'd like two behemoths going Greco-Roman on top of a cloverleaf highway structure. Add to that the scene where Bumblebee is tortured in a mechanical way that S&M robots would applaud, and this is a sweep.

Best Porn for Men
Internet P...orn 1994

The Internet itself wins, and if I'd been awarding these since 1990, it would be an 18 time winner.

Best Nutritional Aid

Fiber. Was there ever an ingredient in food that did so many wonders? From bananas to granola, carrots to juice, nothing else provided the massive amounts of cleansing needed in these troubled modern times. Global Warming? Have some Metamucil. The War in Iraq? Try Ex-Lax. Housing and banking crises? Find some chocolate and coffee, stat. The Cardinals, Rams, and Blues, all blowing? Just get over your public restroom fear, and stop investing so much emotion in something that has no real implications.

Best Revival of a Synonym for "Cool"

Despite my lobbying for the word "boss,"** I have to hand it to Juno's ability to bring back Wizard. British slang rules!

So there you have it, I've run out of categories, as far as I can tell. So have a Happy New Years and a lucky 2008!

*Domenico got his own show? Boss!
**I have yet to hear anyone else use this in the past year. Honestly though, it suggests that whatever it's describing rules over us all.


Something Wacky This Way Comes

John Edwards fathered an illegitimate child.
Jamie Lynn Spears is pregant (not by John Edwards).
Dick Cheney's office in the White House was on fire.
Dennis Kucinich's brother was found dead.
Tila Tequila didn't pick Dani.
And the lab is saying goodbye to someone (can't elaborate).

What kind of messed up 24 hours is this??? Well, as for my blog, it's been an upside down week. This is my fourth post in a few days. And I've generated a lot more traffic, too. Check out these search terms that have led people to this blog (all from the past week):

The Popular
water? like from the toilet (several vatiations)
About 50% of keyword visits!

The Obvious
the things you own end up owning you
argyria pics

50 year old women
hgh for a 50 year old
blog women 50 years
blog for 50 year old women
style for 50 year old women
50 year old women no children
10% of my total keyword visits? What the hell?

bear hibernation butt plug (several searches)
learned behavior spider monkey
computer bullfighting games

can i see some shaved gays
encino man will be back
unsolved mysteries in canada



101 Problems But Spam Ain't One

Hey, apparently that last post was #100! Good to know, since I've had 2 blogs (that I can remember). One was from my days in the dorms, and mainly was one of those "here's what I ate for dinner" and "here's where I partied" things. The next one was my last year of college, where I chronicled my "five bars a week" and "flunking classes" phase. Both were high on the "me" scale, and I like to think I've kept out of that "dear diary" trap.

[Buchla 101 Synth]

Nothing much today, but last night I read this article at the Economist, which blew my mind. Have you ever thought about why people answer the phone "Hello," as opposed to "Ahoy, ahoy" as originally proposed? Well, I was reminded of this later in the night, when I tried answering the phone in different ways than just uttering "Hello," when my mom and my sister called. I think they thought I was drunk or depressed when I answered "What's up?" I think it's also interesting when people try to answer their cell phone "Hello?" as if they have no clue who is calling. I'd understand if the person were blind, but then again how would they have answered the phone, right?

Personally, I've been guilty of a handful of these. Luckily my boss hasn't requested the Facebook friendship, but I think he could see my profile for a year, whoops! All this history of spam makes me wonder what the next step will be...

People tattooing themselves so that anybody who bones them is boning a commercial?

[this adds new meaning to the term "tramp stamp."]

People devoting whole web pages to ads?
Million Dollar Homepage

People naming their babies after corporations?

Forget the future, I'm just blown away by the present. Especially the fact that I've spammed you with my thoughts 101 times and counting, without getting sick of this. Thanks for the support!


Don't Cut Class, Cut the Fear

Well, that last entry didn't turn out the way I had envisioned it. So here's another one, short and sweet. Well not sweet, actually pretty creepy.

I had a dream last night that I was at my parents' house and some Native Americans stormed the place, looking to kill some people. They broke into my house, and I ran down to the garage, thinking the whole time that I was going to miss, and thus flunk, math class. These Native Americans bust into the garage and are heading towards my mom when I find a nice screwdriver or putty knife or something along those lines. I jump up and, fast-as-lightning jam the sharp object into both their necks, cutting their jugulars, saving the house.

Get what it means? Of course you don't. A dream is based on a person's own history and feelings.

Here, I'll break it down for you. I always have dreams that people are "attacking" my parents' house, or are in the woods. This is because, as a kid, my dad had a gun and we had a felonious, deviant teenage neighbor. So in my head I always thought a gun battle was imminent. Native Americans are involved because, well, we took the land from them. Three beautiful acres, of course I have guilt. The thing I fear most now is law school competition, which is why they appear in a pack, and hostile. Also, I tend to view my epilepsy as sort of a constant threat, something I always have to keep at bay.

The whole math class thing, well it's more law school fun. It meant that if I pick mindless fun over duty, I'll end up in a vulnerable position. And my mom, well she's a symbol of what I should protect. That is, I should be healthy and productive so that I can become a man. And well, I slashed the throats of the attackers... and hopefully that means that I'll take care of my fears and my health, and get to class on time :)

Judge a Book by its Cover, and Use a Look to Find a Lover

Well, I haven't written lately. To be quite honest, it's not because I don't have ideas, but because I wasn't sure if people reading this would be interested in them. But after hearing a couple positive comments about the site, I figured I'd get back to work, even if it is Monday and my brain is closed for repair.

Everyone knows the expression "you can't judge a book by its cover." Well, I've always taken umbrage with this statement. I've found that in most cases, you can judge a book by its cover. Either that, or a cover influences your opinion of the product within. What I'm saying is, either pretty people are nice because if one thinks ugly one will turn ugly, or you just look past ugliness when it's done by good looking people.

On that note, let me get to the point. I'm going to give you my year end music wrap-up illustrating this principle. It may ruffle some feathers, but as always, I'm open to debate in the comments section either here or on Facebook, where it is also posted.

Five Overrated Albums and Covers

5. Spoon - Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga

When I checked this CD out, I tried to overlook the babyspeak title. Really, I did. The problem is not so much that, but the fact that the cover seemingly depicts a man working in an auto-body shop. So maybe the Ga Ga Ga etc. is some sort of pressurized drill or hydraulic lift noise? Hmmm. Well makes sense, since the drumming sounds like it was done by this one-handed crook we used to take our cars to.

4. Arcade Fire - Neon Bible

Ah Arcade Fire. I've never understood the fascination with this band, aside from a couple great songs on the last CD. I've never understood why, when people talk about them, they emphasize the word "Fire" rather than "Arcade." A fire in an arcade is remarkable because it's in an arcade, not because it's fire. Right? Anyway, everyone except me loves them, and I have a sneaking suspicion that it's that way because of the perfect symmetry of the album cover. In these crazy, war-torn times, the last thing we need is some sort of Cubist layout.

3. Kanye West - Graduation/50 Cent - Curtis

Ok, everyone knows the story. These two were having a "battle" based on sales figures. 50 Cent was going to have to replace his wardrobe with Louis Vuitton backpacks and white polos if he lost. If Kanye's figures were worse, he'd have to get shot in the face 11 times.* Well, it quickly became apparent that this "competition" was just a parent record company hyping things, and while both albums had a song or two that got me, it's clear that these covers were half assed.

Kanye is a repeat offender, but this one takes the cake. So a bear got shot out of a fish's mouth with the Parthenon on its head. Ok, sounds alright so far. The problem is that one cloud looks like it's a man yanking out the tongue of another cloud-man. Not cool, brah.**

50 Cent's cover is weak. It's appropriate that the hit song "Ayo Technology" (the only good one on the CD) is on here. "Ayo, Technology! I copped one of them viruses!" If I had been in charge of this design I would've added question marks over his head. Please, no more covers that look like they're from a webcam.

2. Justice - Cross

Yeah, I said it. I haven't been to a hipster party in a year, but something tells me that if I'd gone to one, this would be playing. Why? Well, it's the type of knee slapping music whose fanbase loves it because it's ironically horrible. Why actually try to find something you like when you can just pretend you love something that you couldn't? Well, ok, you can get laid by some chick with a mullet (ironic, of course) because you dance to it.

But after that wears off, you take the pubes out of your mouth and start to realize, this music is shit. Maybe you should've checked out the cover first. It features a cross (ironically, since there isn't a good "beat" on the album***) straight out of a 7th grade 3 subject notebook, and nothing else. Struggle to see something in the murky black depths of the cover.

1. Soulja Boy - Crank Dat

As for the song.. dude, Crime Mob is so 2004. The fonts are Romeo Must Die and (more) 7th grade 3 subject notebook. I bet he's on the phone with his agent at Interscope, who's telling him that he has to pay yet another fee. "How much?" Soulja boy asks, with shock on his face. "$135," the agent responds, "the amount you conveniently have in your hand." Sorry Soulja, you're fighting a war you can't win.

Five Underrated Albums and Covers

5. White Williams - Smoke

This reminds me of "Middlesex" in two ways. Words get spelled out in smoke, which is Alice in Wonderlandish. Also, the music is sung by a dude, but has this vague sexual element, leading to a sort of gender bender bender that is clearly shown on the cover. Plus, I heard hookah pipes are boss.

4. Kavinsky - 1986 EP

Kavinsky could teach Soulja Boy a thing or two about fonts. An S in blood, LED says 1986, backwards K on the letter-jacket. See, it's the subtle things, like the rolling hillside in his glasses, or the hands on the biceps, that make this cover stand out. The same can be said for the music, which is really awesome and upbeat, until you get these little notes in the songs that slip a little bit of dread in your drink. Perfect, since the whole concept of the band is that a high school jock died and has come back as a zombie.

3. DJ Copy - Diva Mixtape

I'm not sure when this came out, but since information on it is scarce, I figured that it counted. Obviously, this is cool because of bare breasts, just like the music is obviously cool because it has songstresses such as TLC and Mariah Carey over some buzzing and perfectly-placed horns. But the cartoon diva faces are fresh and upbeat, just like the music. This is what you'll be singing in your shower after you lose your virginity.****

2. Animal Collective - Strawberry Jam

Sure, this one is popular. But I get the impression that it's that type of music that people say they like when they don't enjoy it at all. In fact, a handful of friends took time to tell me how much this blew with a sour look on their faces.

How appropriate then, that the cover shows food. At first, I thought the jam was blood. But it works, because maybe it is blood. Maybe the strawberries are bleeding. Maybe the bleeding is good, like a leeching. Then it's all the circle of life, and the music sounds as good as the Lion King's does. Get it? Neither do I, but the music sounds good right after I've taken my medicine.

1. Glass Candy - B/E/A/T/B/O/X

First off, this isn't the album's artwork. It's more from the oeuvre, nay, the treasure chest of Glass Candy. What makes it so great? A hot chick. Not going to lie, that's all it is. Do I love the music because the woman on the front is so hot? I don't know, maybe Soulja Boy should put "The Birth of Venus" on his next CD. Even if it was called "The Squirt of Penis" I would still check it out.*****

As for the music, this is what Justice should sound. This is what all music should sound like. Like a pretty girl has nothing to do but sing in a run down 70s dance-club where only you frequent. So, obviously the lead singer will date you, even if you look like Phillip Seymour Hoffman. For a sample, check out this.

Am I just a whore for visuals? I knew cartoons would ruin me when I grew up. Also, too late for inclusion were Wyclef's Carnival II (looks good) and Wu-tang's 8 Diagrams (we get it, 8 members).

* Not really, but it would've been cool if they had.
** A reference to the fact that many of Kanye's fans are the type that would call him "brah"
*** Too soon?
**** Nothing to say here, just wanted to "copy" David Foster Wallace's gratuitous use of footnotes.
***** Sorry, this entry has taken a gross turn.