Pain is Just Weakness Triple-Jumping Out of the Body

I'm headed to Little Rock, Arkansas this weekend for a wedding. I'm excited, as it's an excuse to buy a new suit. Every time I travel there, I'm reminded of an incident back at my first high school, an all-boys joint known as St. Louis Priory. The key piece of information for this story is that at that time, almost every kid took French for a few years.

I was running track as a Freshman, and an intense maniac, a Senior who was the de facto captain of the team, ran up alongside me. He asked me why I wasn't going to make the track meet that weekend, as his primary duty was to intimidate 14 year olds into running faster. I replied that I was headed to Little Rock.

For some reason, he replied that "You know, in French, they call that Petite Rock." I shot back, "No, they'd call it Petite Pierre"* He looked infuriated, and said something to the effect of "Hey Drew, how about you shut the f**k up!"

I think he may have had me run an extra lap or two. But I remember faking like it was really difficult, so, pleased that I'd been sufficiently tortured, he'd let me stop. It was easy to run the additional distance, because at the time I knew that while he was running around a rubber ring that weekend, I'd be wiping the condensation from the ring of a lemonade glass in warm ol' Arkansas. Sucker!!

*Pierre means "rock" in French


YouTube and YouTube but You Can Only Tube So Much

Too many times, we only hear bad news because bad news is what sells. I was talking to someone this past weekend, and she said that she had nothing left on the internet to view. She'd reached the edge. And I said, yeah you know that CNN will have a mother-kills-child story on the front page. Or father off the bridge, she added. Well, check out what I was greeted with yesterday.

Well I'm no sellout, so I'm going to report some good news. In YouTube form.

First up is a video of me shaking a leg at a recent party. Yes, you heard that right. I'm in a blue shirt in the video, humping a wall until shortly after 2:00 through. But the last :20 are killer. And not killer in the downer sense of the word (I'm looking at you, CNN with the hiker junk). I get one sweet move in, watch for it!

Next there's one of my friends' new baby boy, adopted from Ethiopia. Follow it all at their blog, or just kick back and watch the cute little guy here.

Hope these put a smile on your face!


Something's in the Attic and It Smells... Musty.. Yeah, Kinda Musty

If I had to come up with a porno, you know like if a guy came up to me and put a gun to my head in a dark alley, and said "Hey, kid, use that great head of yours to come up with a plot for a porno, or your brains and that wall are going to get mighty well acquainted," I'd call it MOTHBALLS.

It obviously would star a half woman/half moth - her genetic makeup would be covered in flashbacks, showing actual "genetic makeup." This 1/2 and 1/2 (I'd call her Susie Roth (part moth)) would be inexplicably drawn to bright lights, moving from rural Kansas to the bright lights of Wichita. The obvious dances of love would ensue, and since I'd model it after the great Grecian dramas, it would be complete with a chorus (played by the Flaming Lips, obviously) and a tragic end to our heroine.

The tagline would be "Imagine 'the Fly,' if Jeff Goldblum had jugs, and cross it with Antigone... and you have MOTHBALLS"


Holly GoEasyOnMe

Some things about women are oddly hot. Like when a girl goes through her stealing phase, almost exclusively in high school, usually involving makeup. Or when a girl throws up the middle finger. Or is into gangster rap.

Hot burglar

Probably the hottest of the hot is when women form a posse of vigilantes that beat up men who abuse their wives in misogynist societies. Case in point, VICE Magazine recently ran a piece on a group of women in India who wear all pink and basically go around beating abusive men to a pulp. They're called the Gulabi Gang, and the most fascinating thing about them is their precise skills with giant sticks. Reminds me of a southern vigilante from a favorite movie of my father's and mine.

Walking Tall

Once I checked all the locks at my apartment and armed the burglar alarm, I tried to forget the image of a bunch of pink women beating me up for all the sexist jokes I'd told over the years. So I picked up my latest read, The Royal Family, by William T. Vollman. The story involves a gang of prostitutes led by a pimp-ess, and how together they are stronger than the individual parts. The leader is infinitely fearless, not to mention sexually surreal.

So of course I decided to venture outside, checking behind me every few minutes for giant sticks. I ended up at the gym. And what did I see? 10 women looking to fight me. I didn't stand a chance.


Sitar. Happier. More Productive.

So, I've said some crazy stuff after my "spells." Usually, I have no recollection of these quips, unless someone clues me in. Apparently I said "Oh calm down you old battleaxe" to my mom once. Well, my friend told me that I was talking/typing a little odd mid-seizure. Like what, I asked. I then realized that I have my chats logged, so... behold the glory of a brain malfunctioning. [I think I'd taken my liquid medicine by this point.]

S****a: haha i bet youre feeling just great right about now
me: like jorge harrison playing sitar with jeus chirist hisssssself]

Come to think of it, George Harrison always seemed to have that nice and relaxed vibe, you know?


New YewTubesday!

So I decided to resurrect this unpopular feature with a new twist. I'm going to put up a YouTube video, then have what an alien from outer space would say, if he/she/he-she (hey, aliens have weird nads probably) somehow had earthly Internet access. And really liked to frequent YouTube, but didn't quite understand humans through it. Ok, I hope that explains it... enjoy!

Thumbelina, the Martian midget hooker from Total Recall, would say...

"Wait... he's a midget? In reflective clothing? Is he single?"


You Learn Something Stupid Every Day!

Like this.

Oh, and the answer to last week's quiz was A. Looks like I have some spam to write! Now I just need a pen name...


FFF: Junk Mail Edition

Guess the spam headline that I didn't receive in my inbox.

A. Be and astronaut and rocket her to the moon
B. Hidden in your pants is a Hollywood story that is incredibly huge
C. More howls than you can shake a shiver at
D. Lost your college sweetheart to the quarterback? Get her back with this

Oh and no answer until some people guess... I'm looking at you, Eugene, Neil, and Emily. Since you all claim to have guessed every one of these...


Summery Summary

I went to Austin this past weekend. I ended up drunk on the plane and left my copy of the Brothers Karamazov (75% read) on the plane. It was 65 and sunny every day.


I'm Super Sirius about the Gym

I've started attending a gym in the past month or so, and after about 10 visits, I've deduced the following lessons. They each have a Howard Stern reference, since both the gym and that seminal radio show have one thing in common: dirty vibes.

1. Expect the Unexpected
I walked into the locker room when I showed up at the gym. This old guy was sitting in there. I worked out, then walked back to the locker room to get my stuff. He now had a pack of frozen, boneless skinless chicken breasts in his duffle bag. I think they'd thawed by then though. So, if you psyche yourself to expect a drunk dwarf in a bunny suit (e.g. Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf) on the elliptical, you'll be fine.

2. Every Girl Looks Exactly Alike
You know the type, they all have the same exact stretchy pants, they're all 5'0" to 5'6" and they're all 20-25. Except this old Indian woman I saw on a treadmill once. Oh and this chick who looked like John the Stutterer from the Howard Stern show.

3. Nobody Sweats
Yeah, I don't understand it either, but I guess the people at the gym aren't the ones who need the gym. Seriously, though, people.. if you come to the gym enough times, you'll look like Wack Pack member Nicole Bass

That's all for now, hopefully the more I work out, the more knowledge I acquire, and thus the more you learn.


First-Person False Fact Friday

I know, this one's half-assed. But I'm committed to this Friday thing and I'm busy working for my brother today. So grin and bear it haha

Which one is not true?
A. I was given a $10 gift card this week from Wal-Mart... for doing nothing.
B. I'm going to a roller rink tonight... but I can't skate
C. I watched 2 girls 1 cup the other night... and couldn't sleep afterward.
D. There was a guy in a stall in my work bathroom. He was talking business in a foreign language, but all I could make out was "Fed ex." And he was definitely taking a dump simultaneously.
E. A monkey brain is sitting on a jar on the lab's lunch table.


YouTubesday: U is for Underage

***If you're reading an imported version of this on Facebook, and the vids aren't showing up, just check out http://heyinaneedlestack.blogspot.com for them

This video makes me so happy, and I'm not really sure what cracks me up the most. I still can't figure out what exactly was going on at this party, I was too absorbed in the repartee.

Not content to leave it at that, the round the clock coverage resumed the next day, with this Corey character hanging out at the beach, not wanting to go home and face his parents. (Everything up until 1:30 is from the first video)

Seriously, if I were that reporter I'd question where I went wrong, why I ended up interviewing some drugged out, shaved-chest party boy, when I had dreams of an Pulitzer.


Find the False Fact Friday

A. I'm going to watch a cheesy sci-fi marathon consisting of Highlander, Star Trek, and something else on MLK day
B. There's a species of banana slug that has a penis 5 times longer than its body length, the largest ratio on earth.
C. An answer of mine was picked the best answer to a question about relationships on Yahoo! Answers.
D. Dostoevsky, by all accounts, was a big asshole.
E. A world class pianist was caught with steroids.
F. A female friend of mine was hit on by one of the guys from Perfect Strangers (not Balki, but Larry)



I'm thinking it's time for another weekly feature. I need an excuse to post some Youtube videos, so here goes. After each one I've included my favorite comment from YouTube users, who crack me up more than the videos themselves. [PS - if they don't show up properly on your computer, let me know, I might have to shrink them down a little. Also, I don't know why "download video" is showing up. YouTube never shows that, there's nothing in the code, and clicking it does nothing.]

Fenslerfilm GI Joe PSA parodies have been cracking me up for years. I like to revisit them now and again, to cheer me up. Here's one of my favorites, but here are some other hilarious ones.

'Reminds me of Captain Oveur from Airplane!
"Joey, did you ever hang around a gymnasium?"
"You ever been in a cockpit before?" "No." "You ever seen a grown man naked?"
"Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"
"Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?"'

If you're looking for something a little more... hmm how should I put it... highbrow, then check out this flashback video.

Gojira87: "This is why the world hates America. Look at what we did. I'm fucking ashamed of my country."

Ok, ok, highbrow was me being sarcastic. Here's one that is so good that I don't even mind the disgusting product placement.

czechman121: "wow this 8 min. movie is better then 90% of the shit in the theaters these days"

If you want a sports video, well...

chuckgeorge13: "Can't hate on that. Dude's nimble like a cat."


The First False Fact Friday!

Subject: Writer/Director Vincent Gallo

A. Vincent Gallo used his personal website to sell his own semen. And his services in personally fertilizing a woman.
B. Vincent Gallo is a Republican.
C. Vincent Gallo served in the U.S. Marines for a brief period in the early 1980s. He was so distraught over the death of friend Jean-Michel Basquiat that he wanted out of action, and was given a dishonorable discharge.
D. There existed a $500 t-shirt with Vincent Gallo's face on it. Gallo required prospective buyers to fill out an application to purchase said garment.
E. Vincent Gallo dated Paris Hilton. And gave her VD (probably).
F. Vincent Gallo was a Calvin Klein underwear model.
G. Vincent Gallo put a curse on Roger Ebert's colon after Ebert showed considerable disgust for "The Brown Bunny" at Cannes. Ebert got colon cancer soon after. Gallo recanted, and the two squashed the beef.
H. Vincent Gallo was in a Rap Group named Trouble Deuce ... his rapper name was "Prince Vince"

Which one is a lie?? Answer in the comments section!

Should I make this a regular feature on here?


No Fear, Big Johnson!

It occurred to me yesterday that modern man's (or woman's) lifespan can be broken down into periods of different types of fear. I'm going to list ages and the appropriate fear for that period in life.

0-2.5 years old: Shaken baby syndrome [fear, per se, doesn't exist.]
2.5-5 years old: Mental retardation [this is a parental fear, though.]
5-7 years old: Strangers/kidnapping
7-8 years old: Forest Fires/Clowns

8-10 years old: The Boogeyman/Scary movies
10-15 years old: Girls (or, Guys)
15-17 years old: Lifelong virginity
17-18 years old: Teen pregnancy

19-21 years old: Inability to find booze
21-24 years old: Your own proclivities/vices
24-26 years old: QUARTER LIFE CRISIS [inadequacies, death, illness, marriage, et c.]
26-30 years old: Job loss
30-35 years old: Hair loss

35-40 years old: Regret
40-60 years old: SARS/Anthrax/Terrorist Attack/Bird Flu

60-70 years old: Mad Cow
70-80 years old: Robots


80-100 years old: Anything shiny
100-120 years old: God
120-150 years old: The Devil [since you must've made a deal with him to live this long] or the fountain of youth [that the government will steal it from you somehow]

Oh, and the title is a reference to two of my favorite clothing lines from the early 90's. No Fear, obviously, and Big Johnson. Behold!

P.S. You'll notice that I have a few trademarked items on here. Until I figure out if posting these is breaking any law, I'll leave them up. Because pictures make it so much more pretty, right?


Bolton, Buntin' and Stankin'

1. I just saw this guy downstairs (at my work) who looks like John Bolton. No small feat for the doppleganger, as Bolton looks like this:

2. My little sister and I used to do this thing called "belly bunting." In order to belly bunt, you had to puff out your stomach, and then sort of run at each other, trying to knock over the other one. I find no reference to this through google, so I can only assume that we invented it. I should patent it, it's like a cross between joust and red rover.

3. Chicken makes your farts meatier, according to credible sources. So I've switched Cassidy to a chicken less diet for her last week in Saint Louis.


Quick Appeal to Semantics

If I did stand-up comedy, this would be one of my bits.

PMS stands for premenstrual syndrome. Syndrome, like as in Down's syndrome. No offense to women, I know cramps and chocolate cravings probably suck, but it's not like an extra chromosome appears for a week. Can't we just call it premenstrual jitters? What about preblood jitters. PBJ. Ok, dinner time!


I'm not one for New Year's resolutions. They seem overly optimistic and just a way to make polite conversation at whatever party you happen to be attending. Well, this year I made a vow, for the first time in my life.

You see, one of the things I'm thinking of doing in law school is intellectual property law. You can do a lot of good with it, as the cases seem to run company vs. individual or big company vs. little company. I've always had an interest in media copyright policy (i.e. music/film downloading issues).

So my resolution is to refrain from violating copyright law in 2008 as much as possible. If you think that you could do it completely, then duct tape your mouth before singing "Happy Birthday" and steer clear of YouTube. I challenge anyone to say they haven't violated copyright law in some trivial way.

That being said, I decided to eulogize my old stomping grounds, and mention a few businesses that I now expect to collect on my newfound morals. And I'll do this in the true spirit of the holiday, by comparing each to a person at a New Year's party.


Napster was the originator of this whole movement. I don't exactly remember who told me about it, but I remember it was very early on at college. I was blown away by the possibilities, and the slick interface was easy enough that within weeks of it first appearing in the dorms, everyone was hooked and suddenly had these giant libraries of music with which to dance. It all seemed too good to be true, and was. Napster is now an incredibly unsuccessful counterpoint to iTunes. Sell out.

Napster is like a guy throwing a party. He's older and buys the beer, and even sometimes gives it away just because he's a nice sumbitch. As time goes on, though, too many people start using him for his generosity, and he shaves his mustache and gets a desk job. He then picks up a wife, kids, and prescription drug habit, disappearing, except in the teary eyed, nostalgic drunk recollections of his former acolytes. One day he pops back up at a party, but he's lost it. Just lost it.


iMesh was where everyone got their videos, and was peas to Napster's carrots. It sticks out in my mind because it showed the videos that no longer aired on MTV, and also because of one extremely popular video. Keep in mind, this was before YouTube, so if people were dancing in the Filipino prisons, you'd get the video off iMesh. It didn't hold up too well for the traffic it generated, though, and was thus a bad omen of things to come.

iMesh is the guy who shows up at a party first. He's not as good looking or suave or intelligent as the host. His whole game is trying to be around the host while carving off a little drunk something for himself. He shows up first so that he gets maximum drinking time for the night. He's inadvertently funny, however, and thus an important part of the development of a party.


WinMX, as I think it was called, jumped into the mix pretty early and was memorable for exactly nothing. I'm not even sure that WinMX is the thing I used. That's how forgettable the whole operation was.

WinMX is like the guy who shows up with iMesh because it beats sitting around the dorm watching The Color of Night with some chicken tenders. He has big dreams but knows they won't come true.


Ah Morpheus. Finally, someone made an upgrade. Morpheus popped up on the scene, and no one really understood how it worked exactly. But they knew that they could grab new movies on the thing, or even some cheap songs now that Napster had sort of disappeared.

Morpheus is definitely the guy who shows up and suggests a game of Circle of Death. Although it seems like a yawner at first, you know that it'll lead to a big payoff - drunk girls. You don't know how he does it but you'll gladly reap the benefits.


Limewire was the beginning of the end of the Napster form (P2P) of filesharing. Due to the success of Morpheus and the demise of a solid MP3 source, people wanted a program that had full CDs on it. Limewire ran as slow as molasses though, though nobody was sure why. Nevertheless, some people stuck with it, up until recently, as it appears that it is still functional.

Limewire is the girl that shows up to a crowd full of dudes, but doesn't seem to mind. She's nice to the point of being too nice, and people start to suspect she's up to something. But she's drinking like a pro, and is still a pretty nice option for the guys, despite the fact that she's already broken a chair and spilled red wine on the carpet.


Kazaa. Dear God, just typing it brings back chills. Limewire had done a little damage to my computer, but Kazaa didn't even hide the damage. It installed a good handful of harful software, and forced a few resets a day of my trusty old computer. The reason you put it on your computer was that it had an incredible amount of copyrighted material. You could grab thousands of dollars of CDs and movies in an hour. The reason everyone was on it, well... it was a consequence of it being impossible to uninstall and running in the background. It resulted in many a computer, including my own, to be discarded as "old" and "broken," when in fact it was just stupid-ass Kazaa.

Limewire has done a little damage to the party, and Kazaa threatens to ruin the whole thing. A friend of Morpheus, she is hot, and the rumor is that she will do anything with anyone. Guys, girls, midget strippers. Well, of course you fool around with her for a few early on at the party. It's cool until every single one of your friends gains some new perspective and new understanding of the female body, all from her. So you make a mental note to get an STD check, but know that by the time of the check it will be too late.

On a personal note, this reminds me of the time I was at a party in high school, and five guys, myself included, realized we all had spent alone time with the same girl, to varying degrees. We all said a few nostalgic words, then did a cheers to the hilarity of it all.


Audiogalaxy was interesting for a few reasons. One, you had to go through the internet to pick songs. You then clicked some big box on the site next to the song you wanted, and the little applet opened up and promptly and politely placed it on your computer.

Audiogalaxy is like the girl who shows up at the party and doesn't get a glance. She's wearing a ponytail and glasses, and has a boyfriend. Three strikes in many a meathead's mind. However, if you talk to her a little, you'll see that she has some genuinely interesting things to say, and you find yourself satisfied in a way other than carnally. In fact, you find good conversation to be more scarce at a party than good action, which due to basic economic principles, makes it more valuable.

Direct Connect

Direct Connect was something a friend talked about. The premise was Marxist. If you shared, you reaped benefits, if you did not, you were S.O.L. Of course, then people would share a bunch of system files, basically their whole hard drive, including sensitive information, only to be greeted with millions of GB of TV shows like Stargate SG1.

Direct Connect is the guy that shows up with a handful of girls. You think, ah, great, this will even out the party's ratio. But he doesn't introduce you, and seems irritated that they're aren't many people at the party, especially girls. You try to talk to one of the girls, and she says something about not drinking, and says it really really loudly, while she gets shify eyed. He leaves with his stable, and nobody seems to mind.


Ahh, finally we get to the good stuff. Soulseek was another recommendation from a computer programmer friend, and introduced me to a lot of interesting musical outfits, from electronic, to underground rap, and beyond. The knowledge of the users is remarkable, and so of course you were more likely to find Autechre than Green Day on here. Apparently it is still up and running, and if you want to break laws for the both of us, try it out. And let me know what the cool kids are listening to nowadays.

This service was like the girl who walks into the party and causes a hushed silence. Why? Well it probably has to do with the fact that she's got purple hair and is wearing a torn up t-shirt with Basquiat on it. In other words, she's too cool to be hanging out at this party, and seems a little irritated at the lack of style as she chugs her bottle of authentic Russian vodka. Might as well make a play for her, but pretend you aren't that impressed, because she gets that shit daily.

Torrent Sites

Torrents. You've heard of them, but haven't tried. It's where all the serious criminals hang out, and the logical progression of file sharing. You could have every episode of the Simpsons by tomorrow. You can grab a copy of Freakonomics, the new Wyclef CD, and a bunch of games for your cellphone within a few minutes. The possibilities are endless. There are even celebrities within the movement, such as the guy who started the Pirate Bay, and a notorious DVD pirate named aXXo (who has many impersonators, just like a real pirate!). The problem with these stooges is that they don't think they're committing a crime. Cowboy up, men! Really, they actually put out a film talking about the changing culture with the technology. The technology is just an intelligent way circumventing copyright laws. You get tiny pieces from everyone, not just one person. So no one is technically sharing a complete work, just pieces of it. These are the legal issues I look forward to studying, believe it or not.

Torrent sites are the crowd that show up, fill up the party, get everybody dancing, and clog the toilets. Suddenly, after these guys and girls show up, you realize that this may be the best party of your life. The party is getting too awesome though, and you're starting to think that you may get into some legal trouble later in the night. So you just let them all party and have a good laugh, all while preparing your lines to get out of a noise violation.

Part 2 will be forthcoming, as this entry has taken up a good chunk of my day at work already. It'll concern Amazon Unbox and iTunes, my new legal friends.

[Sorry this is long and texty. I was thinking about presenting pictures on this, but I wasn't sure how to handle copyrighted images! Maybe once I talk to my lawyer...]