No Fear, Big Johnson!

It occurred to me yesterday that modern man's (or woman's) lifespan can be broken down into periods of different types of fear. I'm going to list ages and the appropriate fear for that period in life.

0-2.5 years old: Shaken baby syndrome [fear, per se, doesn't exist.]
2.5-5 years old: Mental retardation [this is a parental fear, though.]
5-7 years old: Strangers/kidnapping
7-8 years old: Forest Fires/Clowns

8-10 years old: The Boogeyman/Scary movies
10-15 years old: Girls (or, Guys)
15-17 years old: Lifelong virginity
17-18 years old: Teen pregnancy

19-21 years old: Inability to find booze
21-24 years old: Your own proclivities/vices
24-26 years old: QUARTER LIFE CRISIS [inadequacies, death, illness, marriage, et c.]
26-30 years old: Job loss
30-35 years old: Hair loss

35-40 years old: Regret
40-60 years old: SARS/Anthrax/Terrorist Attack/Bird Flu

60-70 years old: Mad Cow
70-80 years old: Robots


80-100 years old: Anything shiny
100-120 years old: God
120-150 years old: The Devil [since you must've made a deal with him to live this long] or the fountain of youth [that the government will steal it from you somehow]

Oh, and the title is a reference to two of my favorite clothing lines from the early 90's. No Fear, obviously, and Big Johnson. Behold!

P.S. You'll notice that I have a few trademarked items on here. Until I figure out if posting these is breaking any law, I'll leave them up. Because pictures make it so much more pretty, right?


Pancake Master said...

I feel like NO FEAR is still pretty ubiquitous as a topic of any conversation about "back then," but I had all but forgotten about BIG JOHNSON--thanks for the reminder. Such clever captions. Kind of along the lines of the COED NAKED series.

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