So Then the Great Barrier Reef is Just a Big Ol Dirty Skank...

hey, this kinda reminds me of when i worked at the grocery store and got products off the top shelf for little old ladies. they'd say "thank you, you have long arms!" and i'd say back "well i knew they'd come in hand-y (get it, haha) at some point."

except this is 10 times cooler.

oh, and on a side note, i remember somebody telling me once that dolphins jack off. to which i said "with what, a hole in the coral reef?" maybe this guy can open his own underwater massage parlor. just a thought.

ok, sorry that was gross. back to work!

Even the Priests are Iced Out in Nellyville

2/06/07 EDIT: It seems the P-D has dropped this story from its website. Odd, yes? Well here's what I can find online remaining of the story...

Priest robbed of his crucifix at knifepoint

By Bill Bryan
ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH
12/06/2006

A Greek Orthodox priest was threatened with a knife and robbed of his large gold crucifix he wore around his neck in an incident Tuesday afternoon in the 3100 block of Hampton Avenue, St. Louis police said.

The priest, 46, was standing next to his car on a resturant parking lot about 1:15 p.m. when a man approached, pulled out a switch blade knife that had tape around the handle, and said, "Who do you think you are? (Blanking) Nelly?" The robber demanded the priest's crucifix and he and an accomplice ran down an alley.

The priest was not injured, but was so shaken that he had to sit in his car for about 15 minutes before he could call the police, police said. The crucifix has a monetary value of about $500, police said.

Here is some video from a local news station.
----------------------------------------

What have I done lately? Well, I worked on my game a little, and worked on my job a little, and my power went out for a few days, and things are just starting to settle back on down. I'm reupping at my apartment for another year and a third, just as long as my job is slated to go. Will I live here forever? No. But sometimes this town just makes me laugh.



Take this story. It took me a couple readings to get what's going on. But given the city's shaky relationship with its priests, I couldn't help but almost laugh. Honestly, I remember being a little kid and holding a gold chalice. I couldn't believe how rich the church was. Lil Jon's most ornate pimp cup is not even in your typical St Louis Catholic priest's cup's league. Remember that scene in Indiana Jones where the greedy evil archaeologists think a gold chalice was used at the Last Supper, whereas Indy realizes the wooden piece of junk is the real one?

Yeah that's what I thought of when I saw this story. Do priests realize how close to rappers they actually are? Except instead of hoes they bang little boys. Hmm, I see a new genre of rap here! Point is, what does a 500 dollar crucifix do that a 2 dollar one can't do. Tell me that and I'll feel sorry for the guy.

no updates, i know

I'm trying to learn xna programming... basically it's video game programming for an xbox and a computer. i decided that i shouldn't just sit back and witness creation, i myself should create. right now, i'm programming things that they could do in about 1980. but hopefully in the next few weeks i'll be able to have something like Bullfight. Ah, to touch greatness...

You're Never Alone with a Clone (and MTV's Watch and Learn)

I wrote a story with the title of this post once. I stole it from a B-side by the Lo-Fidelity Allstars. I don't remember the plot, it may have either involved a boy with Argyria getting into a fistfight. Or it may have been about the existence of eskimos (do they pay taxes, etc.). Either way, the name came back to me this week when Missouri became the battleground for a fight on "cloning."



As stated in Don't Think of an Elephant, Republicans did a great job using correct verbiage in their quest to win the fight. It wasn't about science, it was about trying to create an army of clones, Star Wars-style. Democrats did their usual thing, parading out a bunch of people with canes and saying, look, look, vote for us and there won't be any canes or any eyeglasses anymore!

Well it was split 50/50, probably because people just flipped a coin when they got to the polls. Cloning won when the last votes were counted, from St Louis County. I think the edge was probably just due to a slight imperfection in some coins around town.

Oh, and another interesting tidbit. At midnight on election night, both Senate candidates from MO were waiting on the results from St Louis county. The result had implications on the balance of power in the Senate, which in turn had implications for the balance of power in the entire government and furthermore on where our troops went and the stability of the world. How did it go? 50/50. Slight edge to the Democrats. Troops out of Iraq.

I'm not saying St Louis County is the 2006 Florida. It's just funny how close the world hit for one night. And don't ask me about my politics. I just like the people who throw pies in peoples faces and run a pig for president. I'll just say that everybody needs to relax. Bacteria clone. If people are so concerned about overpopulation, then fix it. No one really seems to be able to explain what angers them about cloning, except maybe the crowd that doesn't want babies created by methods other than intercourse. I mean, honestly...

I know this post runs on and on, so here's a youtube video that isn't relevant at all but it's a classic!

"Wouldn't you Know, a Drive-By in Missouri"

I live in the most dangerous city in the country. A few million people around here claim that, but trust me, they live in the county. Night and day. Ice Cube's Summer Vacation in the city and ice cubes and summer vacation in the county. It's funny, too because the report came out at just the right time, coninciding with a few other things.



First of all, I've been reading a book about cities and what makes a good city. The Death and Life of Great American Cities by Jane Jacobs is engaging, and what struck me at first was a chapter about the safety along sidewalks. The basic point Jacobs makes is that the more familiar faces out and about, the less likely you are to get mugged. Sounds simple, right?

I myself have been using sidewalks lately. I walk home from the metro station along a stretch of dimly lit roads every night. I've heard these sidewalks referred to as "dangerous" or "sketchy" by more than a few people. Why? Well last night was the first time I walked back thinking about what Jacobs wrote. And I only saw 3 other faces. One other guy was practically running, and two people were just pacing in the distance in front of their house.

Now, another thing you might know about St. Louis is it's also America's fattest city. Where were all these people on the block? It's an interesting thought to think that maybe people could kill two birds with one stone by getting outside to feel the fresh air every once in awhile.* St. Louis's mayor, Francis Slay mocked that St. Louis should be behind cities like Chicago or New York on the list. Well, let me just say that when I visited those cities, I didn't usually find myself alone on a street at 6 pm. People had a taxi, bus, or train to catch. So maybe Jacobs has a point.



One other point of convergence. The Cardinals won the World Series and threw a parade. The population of the city** doubled for the day. It's interesting to think, looking at some pictures of the parade, what the city would be like if the city were this dense, and not like some old post-Gold Rush ghost town.

Oh, and one other thing. I renewed my plates today. I've heard St. Louis is the capital of getting your stickers ganked. So I stop at the stoplight after the DMV and what do I see? Crime! That's right, a car with a torn sticker from its plate.



*What could also be keeping them inside? Gonorrhea
**City as in the city, not the county
Make your own plate

Double Speak

I haven't posted in awhile. What have I been up to? Well, for starters I dressed up like a girl for one of Cassidy's photo project. This is probably one of the least embarassing...



After that I had to turn the tables on her- it always evens the score a little. I don't know what my artist statement was here. So I'll shoot from the hip.



"Society today has become withdrawn. We don't look each other in the face. For example, some of the most emotional music nowadays is dubbed 'shoegaze' because of its listeners' tendency to stare at their feet while listening to such music, rather than connecting with each other. In my picture, I show someone with dominating shoes and nothing else. In this way you cannot avoid her, even by looking at her shoes."

Oh yeah, Halloween was fun too. I was supposed to be baby Bill Clinton. I pussed out of wearing the diaper, seeing as I'm pasty as.. well toothpaste. But my onesie looks like a prison outfit. So I guess I was jailbait. Here's me dancing a little to Thriller. I think I may have breakdanced then humped the floor soon after.

Am I Moving to Europe Next Week? Survey Says.. No haha

I had a quarter life crisis last week. But I ran across a pic from the week of my birth, early August, 1981. Look at Wikipedia's entry on the year and take a look at all the stuff that was going on 25 years ago.

-A goofy republican becomes president, uses controversial policies & tactics
-Terrorism in the Arab world
-Soccer hooligans stampeding
-CBS Evening News makes a big deal about a news anchor
-Bob Marley dies, but his legend lives on
-IndyCar/Nascar racing controversy!
-HIV discovered
-Wheel of Fortune goes on the air
-Prince Charles's love life is in the tabloids
-MTV starts broadcasting
-Nuclear weapon negotiations
-Two future "You Got Served" stars are born the same week I am!*



The point is, what's changed? Um, besides people. Haha, early 80's fashion is back and has anything in my lifetime really shaken the world, besides the Internet? Honestly, the only difference is that instead of a billion people watching Prince Charles's wedding to Princess Di on TV, they read the tabloids online**. Instead of people waiting for 2 hours to see the LL Cool J video on MTV they just download it in minutes. Information is faster.

I guess it's uplifting in the sense that 25 years in terms of the world is just a blink. I like to think that I've done some things. Seeing how the world is just like a kid who won't move out of their parents basement and get a job makes me feel better about myself. No more quarter life crisis.

*Meagan Good and Roger (from Sister, Sister). How do I know? Yep, 23 years later I saw the movie on opening night. I didn't dance in the aisle, although I should have.

**Man, K-Fed got his ass handed to him on the WWF the other night...

I Dream of Encino Man.. .and That 2000 Calorie Burger from Friday's

I had a dream not too long ago, which involved skywalks from high rises in a city. I'm not sure what happened exactly in the dream, but I do know that it was futuristic and that there were skywalks connecting every building to every other one, making the landscape look like an arrangement of Tinkertoys.



The reason I bring this up now is because of the sidewalk outside work. I can't help but think of this dream every time I get on or off the metro. I go past a sidewalk that's been "cleared" of the bus crowd (they wait in a parking garage, that's another story) and I always see a couple health officials scurrying by on one of the many skywalks around the hospital buildings.



You know those science fiction films where everyone had a flying car, like Back to the Future 2? I don't think that will happen. I mean, look at the guy in the picture above... why go downstairs and walk 20 feet past him playing "The Times They Are a-Changin'" and tell him you don't have a buck, when you can just invest in a skywalk! During those 20 feet you can almost imagine the climate changing randomly occuring outside. I think things will continue like this. I picture it more like Blade Runner or Final Fantasy VII (Hah, I'm a dork!), where a corporation exists high above the unwashed masses, and interaction between the two is minimal at most.



I mean, if they could build a city in the sky, wouldn't they? What about the Hollywood Hills- it's known that monkeys feel power only when they're given a higher living position. So of course Pauly Shore will only feel successful when he can pee off his balcony (metaphorically) onto everyone below.

Sorry this post is kinda dismal, maybe it's the weather. Um, I mean, Go Cards! Team Chemistry hasn't been this high since... well you know...



Ronnie Belliard's tongue and Weaver's new-found meth habit seem to have paid off! The Cardinal fans at the game last night were just... well they looked like they were looking for a skywalk to the nearest TGI Friday's. They should try that burger with the fried cheese on top, good God it's good!

So a Lawyer and a Spider Monkey walk into a Bar...

So anybody who wants to make a roadtrip and is near Springfield, MO might want to check out the Exotic Animal Paradise today or tomorrow. Apparently they're selling off some animals from the park, and trust me, this will be your only chance to ever have a lemur. Endangered species are kinda like that.
Here's the basic news story, which sort of skims the surface. And there's also an unflattering entry on the park from a animal rescue blogger which, given a pictoral tour, is much more convincing. There's also a video on the News-Leader's site showing the spider monkey (named "Spidey") and other animals that they will be auctioning.

In related Springfield news, if you're passing through and you just happen to run afowl of the law, call my bro. I'm sure he knows the animal laws down there from Aardvark to Zebra.

Twist Should Play in My League...

Have you ever said to yourself, "Hey, am I the only person who had sanctioned Friday Night spoon hockey in my parents house back in the day?" Well, I'm guessing you haven't said it. Because I just did a google search for "spoon hockey," and I found a sad sack of results. Here are the three categories they fell under.

1. Bonding exercises that take place in a rec room atop a Formica table. The one shown here is a Union University in Tenne-key. Do these kids look like they're having fun? I'd say maybe, but only because they're about ready to have the four most bangtastic years of their lives.



2. The second variation is played in the yard, also known as the "mommy and the milkman" version of the game. Apparently, you go outside to hit a wiffle ball on the ground with a spatula, breaking your back, while you see the milkman slip inside until the Third Period. And if you don't hear the milkman enter the house, you'll at least hear a cocktail shaker.





3. My version is only referenced once-in a Maple Leaf's fan's LiveJournal. She seems to have a working knowledge of the game. For instance, you play knees-on-carpet. Pain is the name of the game, just like life. Also, forks to enable tricks and whatnot, but after too many heated exchanges and delays of game, forks can get messy real quickly. So stick to spoons or sporks. The way I remember it, ball selection is a no brainer (ping-pong ball), and slappers are still the best way to score.

Anyway, this is all relevant because at my new apartment I have a room that only has a rocking chair. Optimal spoon hockey real estate if you ask me. Also, I read this article at the RFT on Tony Twist. I like how the psychopath offers advice on the proper way to kill someone.

"You don't threaten them first..."

How Do You Follow up a Half Nelson? With a Sleeper Hold?

It was a pretty wild, four day, chicken noodle soup weekend. I had the flu on Thursday, so it didn't really make sense to go to the DJ Shadow concert on Friday and drive to Columbia later that night. But hey, you only live once right?



The concert at the Pageant was pretty solid. I didn't expect so many weed smokers and bad breakdancers and so few of everybody else. I also didn't expect a self conscious DJ Shadow. His first LP, Endtroducing, was our generation's version of Pet Sounds, so what does he have to worry about? Ah, maybe it's because every single thing he does now can't compare. I have a grainy picture of how he looked on stage from my camera phone, I'll try to get it up by tomorrow.



I slept in Columbia, Cassidy took care of me. But we did catch Half Nelson. No no, not the Garbage Pail Kid. Although, I have to wonder how much they were inspired by this card. The whole theme revolved around opposites, obvious and subliminal: black/white, candy/drugs, change/unmoving.



Now all they need to do is make a movie out of Slain Wayne. I'm thinking it's a Vietnam-era dramedy. The guys been shot like 10 different times. And he's trying to make a living after the war as a dirty comedian. Get it, "Slain" Wayne? You're killin' me, Wayner!

Oh and big thanks to No Mas for hooking me up with one of these.



The only problem is this isn't the 10 day stretch to wear it to STL bars, unless shiners come back into style. Can the Cardinals beat the Mets? Yeah, but they also can fold in four, no one would complain, and people would still fill the seats next year.

"Really? Monkeys?"

People ask me all the time, what do you do Drew, other than being cool as hell? Well, I can point you to the Research part of the website for my lab, the one I should be maintaining. If you know any good books on Html, that go from the ground up, with a few tutorials, let me know. Online would help, too. Or there's this. Just search for "Thach" and you'll find a little blurb.



Oh, and specifically, if you want to know what I do, it's hard to describe. But if you're the gimmie gimmie type, I guess the best description would be that I'm programming something like the videogame Pong and spending obscene amounts of time looking at eye movements.

"I Can Get a Pujols Chant Going Right Now"

I'm not sure if it's the fish smell from the disposal in my new place, or the fact that the burglar alarm keeps beeping every few hours just to let me know it's there. But sometimes I get the feeling that my new roommate, Eugene (aka Fudge), and I are teetering on the edge of insanity.

Take our philosophical musings on sport lately. The roller-coaster ride that was the Cardinal clinching felt more like a ride through a Wal-Mart parking lot late at night. You know, people acting as if their survival depended on saving a dollar for the 30 pack of double roll Charmin.



More Here

Cardinal fans are like Shakespearean mobs, fickle as hell. On Monday they can be seen in pairs around town, resembling sheep parading up to Noah's ark. The problem is, the animals don't boo the ark out of the water on Friday if there aren't enough squeeze plays by little white middle infielders. Hitting up the CWE the other night, we felt underdressed in a classy bar until two gents in Edmonds and Carpenter replica tees walked in.

"Two Budweisers gentlemen?"
"Why However did you know, sir?"
"Why, your frosted tips gave me away..."

So it's a knee jerk reaction for a sensible person to just step back and wonder where this mess got started. When did Cardinal fans have their clothing choices, beverage choices, and even Cable TV packages determined by a simple backyard game?

Ah, I blame you, Michael Jordan. You and that damn, catchy advertising campaign. We've reached a point where every sport is a commentary on mankind. Every muscle reaction is captured by ESPN and analyzed. When a ball goes into a hoop, a guy is flying. When a ball goes far, it's a shot to the heart of dictators and hatemongers worldwide. And now, today, when I go kick a soccer ball in the park, I'll wonder why I don't hear orchestral music (with a hip hop beat). I guess the profit margin was just a little too slim.

Eugene's Pro Wrestling Bit on McSweeney's
Eugene's Bonds Bit on McSweeney's
The Book on Jordan

DESTROY ALL LABELS

The back says "NATURE FEARS NO FLAWS." And maybe I'm just imagining it, but that sure looks like an alien in the negative space. Spoonfed can manage to grab your attention with a logo or design and then always flips it. Like the shirt with a swoosh stabbing a guy into submission, or the Michael Jackson, "Smooth Criminal" one. When I think elephants I think power, but the shirt shows that anything can become extinct. Hell, we flock to the movie screens to see extermination of humans by little green men with lasers.

The label is right up there with No Mas for brilliant ideas, in my book. Aside from those two labels though, I can't think of a T shirt company that does anything better than an ordinary guy with a sense of humor with a big pack of Sharpies.

So I'm thinking about throwing a few designs on to shirts. The first one is going to have something about mummies or pharoes and pyramids. A shot from the Buddhist in me.

Anarchy is the Hanging of Pound Puppies

I take Metrolink to work. I think alot of people in St Louis do now, because they opened up a new line snaking down to the south towards Webster Groves. The net effect of this expansion is more horrible, horrible graffiti.

I don't mean offensive. Hell, I remember seeing the word "Sexcellence" sprayed on the brige over a creek by my parents house when I was little. And it was the coolest thing I saw for at least a few weeks. But, it's just an offense to art when somebody takes a red Sharpie down to the tracks at 12:30 am (keep in mind the trains don't run that late, kids!) and writes "JOE BLOW ESKIMO" in bubble letters. Maybe it's because I read that book about tagging rail cars in the 80s in NYC and how kids died trying to mark their turf.



I mean, there's just some piss poor graffiti around. I'm looking at you, "ANARCHY IS THE UNION OF LOVERS" (from that alley by Booche's and Quenton's in Columbia, MO). Oh and if you want to see more like this picture, just go to this site. It's like Hot or Not, but with graffiti!



In related public transportation news, there's a pound puppy hanging in a bus stop on my walk with a bunch of sheets of newspaper that say NO, NOT ON THE CARPET over and over again. I took a picture with my cellphone, but I don't think it quite captures the madness of the whole piece. Down the next street there's a house with a related yard installation (NO, NOT ON THE YARD!, etc.) And that is why I like living by an academic institution.

Programming You Can't Set Your Watch To

I'm about 4 or 5 posts behind lately, so I'll bang out two for one. First off, sometime in the past month, my mom, dad, brother (and by consequence, his son) have all watched episodes of the tv show "Cheaters." Oh you've seen it, it's the one that plays on a station that doesn't come in right, maybe only when a tornado hits the area. Or maybe it's on the station that has Mass 12 hours out of the day. But the gist of the show is that somebody knows their spouse/significant other/ex is cheating on them and the SWAT team of Joey Greco collects a weeks worth of PDA in Mickey D parking lots to prove it.



After the viewing, or "consultation" (there are also "dossiers" and "briefing" sections to the shows), there's a confrontation between the cheater and the person cheated upon. Well, I've seen plenty of episodes, and let me just say no two confrontations have been alike. Once I saw a confrontation in a club, where the dude ran into a bathroom to avoid the show's thugs, only to be followed, and have a bunch of guys at the urinals yell at his girlfriend. Then they bought him shots.



There was another confrontation on a soccer field where a high school soccer game was stopped as a CHOPPER flew overhead, beaming the cheaters fleeing on foot. As if the two people making out needed the entire force of the LAPD! But I don't mock, because as illustrated in this infamous confrontation, Cheaters isn't just exposing the seedy underbelly. It cooks the seedy underbelly and serves it in a nice dish!




***If it's not working properly, post a comment, but I think Internet is just slow around work today.

This brings me to my next point. When I was in Columbia a few weekends ago, I got hooked on their local access channel, CAT 3TV. CAT TV is a station that usually plays little banners with some nice shadow font in pastel colors that say "Bakesale to Benefit Hickman High" or something. But for some reason they were playing Gangster Rap videos the night I flipped by it.

The first video, and I wish I'd gotten the name of the group, involved a drug deal atop a parking garage (one on Cherry St no doubt). It was between the dudes in the rap group and an female Asain gang that drove red Dodge Neons, as in, souped up '98 Neons. Anyway, there was a briefcase full of cash and it was a decent beat. It reminded me of BET around 3 am on the weekends, which I can't get anybody to watch anymore. Anyway, I found this vid online, I think it might have been these guys, I mean, how many rap acts does COMO have?



The second thing I saw was the next morning, and it was some show about a guy's search for a band in Moberly, MO, a small town just up the road from Columbia. There were tons of interviews with people who just talked about how the only thing to do in Moberly is drugs. There was a kid who said, "Well, I'm sure I'll be here when I grow up, workin' in a factory, hangin out with most of these numbskulls, drinkin'." Or something like that, and it just kind of hit me, it was a really interesting show, I'll have to check it out more next time I'm in town.

If I can squeeze it in between episodes of Cheaters.

PS Cheaters now has a dating service. For people who don't cheat. Good Luck!
PPS I don't think the link works

Why Eat with a Steady Diet of Arcades Around?

Two things I have to try:
1. Black Thorn Pizza
The alleged best pizza in town that takes 45 min - 2 hours to cook ONCE YOU'VE BEEN SEATED. Guiness on tap, Missile Command in the arcade... I just hope they have pizzeria style red plastic cups.



2. 1984 Arcade
Springfield, what's up. Apparently the trend in arcades now is to charge a cover, and just turn the dip switches to 0 cents per play. Personally, I used to not eat on vacation if I had a nice handful of shiny quarters in my Umbros. I mean, no contest. So this kind of setup is designed for me. The type of person who'd hide a salami sandwich in his jeans pocket and play Hard Drivin' and Star Wars for 6 hours. A piece.

Sometimes You Wear Stretchy Pants in Your Room

I came across this blog when I was trying to find The Golden Book of Chemistry Experiments. After a few minutes on this blog, you notice that the blog hosts files to help you out in any situation. For instance, if you go back into the blog's archive to 9/10/06, you can find the full new version of Labview (what I use to write my programs on here, but newer), a password "grabber," a documentary about jumpers from the WTC towers, and even a DVD version of Nacho Libre. My favorite is downloadable love letters for the man who doesn't speak English so well. But hey, if I'd met Cassidy and she spoke Swahili, then who's to say I wouldn't have Googled "blank Swahili love letters."

Taste the Rainbow

If it looks like i'm colorblind, then it just means I'm still working on colors and fonts. This might be a long process but hopefully the blog will look cool when I'm done.

***EDIT: Ok, I think it's mostly done, I'm sure I'll change stuff tomorrow, let me know what you think, if you want. (You can even leave an anonymous comment if you want to tell me it blows!)

Like 3 Centipedes, Bending around Town

I went to Chicago a couple weekends ago to visit some friends from Mizzou, have some laughs, and check out a few concerts. I took Metrolink and Megabus the entire way there to save some dough, but I was surprised that I wasn't even within 10 feet of anybody else on the bus either direction. I rolled into town Saturday afternoon and my buddy Tyler picked me up from the station. After hitting up Borders to use the best public restroom in downtown Chicago, we checked out a couple things off Michigan Ave. We met up with the resident fashionista Angie and the two took me to the giant silver bean shaped monument in the park by Lake Michigan.



Next we walked over to some sort of monument where two giant faces had a staring contest on the sides of black monoliths. But the monoliths were waterfalls spitting water on kids. Uh, ok. haha.



After the emotional shock of this, I needed to sit, so the three of us went to Wicker Park and had some white pizza at a place called Piece. Then we hit up a comic book book store with so much more called Quimby's down the street.



After Wicker Park it was a bus ride back to the Metro and Tyler's pad a little north of Wrigley Field. I liked the place alot, hardwood floors, a nice paint job in each room, portraits and books in the living room. It felt like a cool library as much as a living space.

Tyler showed us some videos, and I'm not going to link to the majority of them here for the sake of decency but the one that kept cracking me up was House of Cosbys. Check this episode out if you want a taste of how we relaxed. (5 mins)



And that's just the first episode. I think there are 5 episodes and a sixth bootleg, controversial episode that is basically just a middle finger to Bill Cosby's lawyers.

On to the show, though. Tyler and I headed down to the Empty Bottle and got there when the place was about 1/10th full. So we played some Centipede until a couple girls came over and talked to us. One of them knew him, it seemed, and the other was her friend from Columbia College. By the time we finished with the niceties, it was time for the opening act.



CX Kidtronik is supposedly better with his partner. But his partner got detained by the police or something. So the whole performance consisted of spoken lines like "these drums are by Trent Reznor" and screams and Kidtronik jumping into strobe lights. He even had a participatory chant that was more complicated that any one I've ever been involved in. Just think the game Simon but a gangster chant version. Oh and his big song was Krak Attak. Check his Myspace(NotSafeForWork) for an explanation on that one.



Then out came Girl Talk, Greg Gillis. Check the last post for a Pitchfork review on this one, complete with video. The man is Clark Kent AND Superman. Bioengineer at Case Western U by day, International Music Superstar by night.

Sunday, well Sunday was football. Tyler had Trent Green on his Fantasy team. Trent Green got creamed on Tyler's fantasy team. Tyler hoped it was just a bad dream.



We also saw Idiocracy Sunday night (see the last post). Which made us feel barbaric for the whole obsession with YouTube and sports injuries. But then we just watched more House of Cosbys.



Monday, everybody was working except me (22 paid vacation days, have to use them sometime!) so I rolled down to the art museum to check out the famous works like American Gothic and Nighthawks. But my personal favorite was Venus de Milo with Drawers by Dali. Lately I've just been picturing people as little lockboxes of hidden emotion, and people just put their worries inside them as if they have drawers.



Monday night was Ratatat at the Empty Bottle and they were ok I guess. They came out, played guitar, and said "This is our last song" repeatedly. I wasn't expecting too much. On the plus side, however, I got a Ratatat #1 foam finger that had been dropped in price because the roadie said "we sleep on them in the bus." Somehow, and it boggles the mind, I was the only person with one. But we had some fun with the finger on the ride back.



Tuesday morning Tyler and I met up with Angie at a place called Toast by Depaul. Great pancakes, great service. The only problem was I had to sprint to catch my bus. You know, like in the movies when somebody is running down the street of a big city so they're not stuck in a big city one more day? Yeah that was me. And my sprinting paid off. I made it by a minute thanks to some dispute with the Megabus people and a customer. The bus left a couple minutes late, and I was a little early. Gorgeous.

Chicago in a Nutsack

My trip to the Second City was a blast. I caught Girl Talk in concert and managed to see the new Mike Judge movie, Idiocracy, about human de-evolution. Don't look up a trailer for it, because it's not being promoted. As soon as I get my pictures back I'll put up a proper post, but for now I'll leave you with a picture from someone's flickr that Tyler and I are in (bottom left), Pitchfork's review of the show with video, and a couple reviews of Idiocracy.

Pitchfork's Girl Talk Review
The Onion's Review of Idiocracy
LA Times Review

Little Dogs and the Girls that Love Them

Cassidy sent me this. She likes poodles. It terrifies me more than Cremaster and Trapped in the Closet. Combined.

Robert Kelly's Sexual Differentiation

I saw Cremaster the other night. Well, saw part 1 and the first few minutes of part 2, hoping they would be better than part 3. The third section I'd seen a few years back, and I figured, "Hey, maybe this guy is just too far over my head, give it time." I think I thought that when a girl dressed up like a hyena was swimming in a baby pool of Vaseline.




Well the first part started with two blimps (with flight attendants transporting genetalia) over a Bronco Stadium in Boise, ID. And there was some dancing. Forty minutes later, there were two blimps with some flight attendants looking at some genetalia and more dancing. That's it, it's very neutered. If you read reviews, this is supposed to be because in the womb, we either develop nuts or not. My thinking is that maybe it should've been a little shorter, since we're in the womb 1/100th of our lives.



The second one deals with Gary Gilmore. I read a few hundred pages of the Executioner's Song in high school because I liked the writing style. This one was slightly more interesting. There was dialogue, some sex, and they were going to execute Gilmore. But as soon as the vaseline came out, and got plopped down on everything, it lost me again. If you look at Matthew Barney's website, he claims this too is about sexual differentiation. Well, I think this video was showing sexual differentiation about as well as It's Pat.



So maybe it's all over my head. Because Matthew Barney was in our Art History book. But read this review of R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet." And tell me that you don't want to just go out and show THAT in your art gallery.



They made a South Park episode out of that? I have to check it out!

Just Razzin Me, back in the 19 Eightyyyyyys

I was reading about the Razzies today, and found an interesting bit of trivia. In 1998, a guy won both an Oscar and a Razzie for two scripts, LA Confidential and The Postman, respectively. One day they love you, one day they hate you, I guess. I didn't think the Postman was that bad. I mean, people don't really read anymore for fun, do they? So it's not that far from the possibilities of the future.



Another thing about the Razzies. Look at 1985's award winners. Rocky IV? Rambo II? Perfect? Turk 182? A Godzilla expounding on nuclear weapon theory? The Fat Boys in a music category? Thomas Dolby (She blinded me with science?) in the musical score section? Are you kidding me? Those things didn't win Oscars! Next thing you know, Talladega Nights and the TI song from ATL are going to win.

And what was the Oscar committee slobberin all over? Witness, Out of Africa and Cocoon. Maybe if Harrison Ford had moves like Travolta in Perfect, there could be a discussion. Damn, looks like I need to have an 85 Razzies party.

PS and the worst of all... Rob Lowe in St Elmo's Fire... Jesus Christ. Just for that I'm gonna get a hanging cross earring.

Lars von Try-er and My Weekend

I finally got around to finishing a viewing of the film "Manderlay" last night. Yeah, it was provocative. Kinda like that guy I saw this past weekend outside Quentin's in CoMo who, in Riddler pants, sucked down a bottle of Jim Beam, then spit on a few frat guys. He provoked his way into a one night visit at the University Hospital from the looks of it.

What I mean is, it's not as pretty as Dogville, and Bryce Dallas Howard isn't fit to screw in Nichole Kidman's makeup mirror's lightbulbs. Also, there seems to be a little bit of a community theater type feel to the whole thing that Dogville didn't have. Maybe it's the Shakespearean accents?

I guess after Dogville and Breaking the Waves, it was hard for Lars von Trier to both change it up and still amaze me. Kinda like the guy at James's party this weekend who was going to set his scrotum on fire, and yet couldn't find an appropriate fuel. Apparently he was all out of something called "white gas."

But the movie did have a saving grace. The best damn end credits I've ever seen. Rent it for the end credits. David Bowie and a commentary on black-white relations in the US. And a reminder why when I was chanting "USA! USA!" out Matt's car window on Broadway on Saturday night, I was doing it ironically.



Take a suggestion and check out Breaking the Waves. Just look at this photo, and ignore the lame DVD art. Honestly, whoever took a movie about a girl who talks to God and gets it on with sailors in a religious town and tried to market it like "Gone with the Wind" should be tossed overboard.

Needles!

I like to take two things that you don't think would go together and see how they mix. Heck, I even tried that gin and milk at Rachel's wedding, and it was pretty good. If you see me in my pickup truck, I'll be more likely to be playing Boot Camp Clik than Creedence Clearwater Revival. I think it all started with ice cream on my waffles.

Anyways, sometimes I come across things like this blog and I say, hey at least they're mixing it up. But rape fantasies involving Bob Villa posted next to entries on gangster rap?

Do the Evolution, 50 year old woman style!

Blog. Stupid word. You know why? Because if you go to a random blog you're going to find something about Little Miss Sunshine, Snakes on a Plane, or Gnarls Barkley. Not here. Today I'm just going to talk about an issue that would bring a tear of joy to both Oprah and Charles Darwin. Yep, you guessed it, MENOPAUSE!

So I'm reading The Third Chimpanzee. It's about how humans became humans, about that tiny little genetic bit, the 2% makes us do things like commit atrocities, create artistic masterworks and wear bucket hats. Okay, you got me, the book says nothing about bucket hats. I haven't read it all, but I think it's a safe assumption that the Pulitzer Prize-winning book doesn't go into Korn-inspired fashion.

The most interesting thing so far has been an investigation into menopause and how humans are one of only a couple species on earth to undergo menopause. I think some male kangaroo rat does too, oddly enough. The interesting thing was that the author of the book asserts that after menopause, women began having children earlier, and the children they had survived. In other words, before menopause, there was no biological clock.

Sex and the City? Try Sex and the Cave? It wouldn't have been a hit. What's the danger in waiting til you're 50 to crank 'em out back then, if you die, you were only going to live ten more years anyway. So what happened was our ancestors started reproducing earlier and multiplying like googles. The menopausal society knocked off the non-menopausal society, and look at where we are today.

PS The book told me that ducks commit rape though. Not cool, ducks.

PPS I was going to put up a picture of Sally Field but she seems to have found the fountain of youth. HGH? Botox?

BULLFIGHT (SEGA, 1984)

So my bro gave me his old laptop, with the reasoning that "it's slow." Well, computers aren't like people, they don't lose processing speed as they get older. What happens is you install this, or click ok to this box and soon enough things start getting bogged down. The point is, the computer isn't that bad, and since I was actually considering buying one just like it, it's a done deal. It's a tablet PC, which means you can swivel around the top screen and snap it over the keyboard, then use a pen to write on the monitor like a notebook. It's convenient at work since I make a sketch for people now and then.

The point is, when I get a new computer, some things happen. One is, once I clean the thing up I start bogging it down with some programs that replicate old video game systems like the NES, SNES, Genesis- even one for the Apple //e computer and one that handles arcade games (MAME).

Now that's where the fun comes in. You can come across crazy versions of old classics like Zelda: Outlands or games we used to play in school like Lemonade Stand. But my favorite of any game right now is a little game called "Bullfight."



Anybody who knows me knows that someday I want to fight a bull. Sorry if you think it's animal cruelty, but if being cruel to animals is this pretty than PETA can just tar and feather me now. Just look at the title screen. Back in the day when one genuine American quarter dollar piece got you in on the action, here's what you got.



You have two buttons. One aims your cape, the other delivers the heat. The obvious strategy is to stay in the center of the stadium, and to be cautious but not too much so.

The first bull is for little kids and beginners. That's not to say I don't have some fun with Charger. Yeah, that's right, I give my bulls names. It doesn't make it any easier when I dispose of them, but when they take me out I have a name to salute. Basically, my strategy for Charger is to wait for him to approach, then slice IN FRONT of him rather than away. Then I drop the hammer. Dangerous, and daring, but I still only get 3200 points. I think the crowd loves it more though, and it's all about the show, right?



Now onto the second bull, Papa San Cristobal. This guy has a temper, and you can usually use that to your advantage. He is very strong, too, and sometimes he can even manage to pop your dagger out from his own back by relying on the strength of the Lady of Guadalupe.



Luckily, the town is on your side, as they give you a second dagger and you can finish your deed and move on to Poquita, as I call her, the third bull. She's gorgeous and it's definitely a misnomer and this is where my bullfighting career usually ends. How this happens is the old arcade two-step. Step one, a murder.



Second step: eight letters, two words.



Now sometimes you get lucky, sometimes your little compadre comes running in from the gate because he just can't bear to see you get flung out of the stadium. I like this guy, he's got style.



But, the bulls, they have friends too. The fourth bull, Hector the Terrible, has a friend that I haven't even named yet, Bull X. I've only seen him once but I have this shot of the two of them together right before they took my life. Check this out. I think Hector the Terrible and Mr. X make the stadium look like the bathroom stalls at a Mexican restaurant, if you know what I mean.



And of course, as in any game you put in your initials when you get the high score. And if you have cojones, like me, you put a dirty word in.



But, if you notice, this game has cojones too. For the cabron in all of us, there's the kissing lips instead of a letter. What a game.