The First Annual Drewies

So it's the end of 2007 in blogville, and few bloggers avoid some sort of countdown during this time of the year. I'm not immune to this, and I'm here to present some awards, some are serious, some definitely not. Enjoy!

Best Lesbian in a Cartoon

I expect this person to accept this award for many years to come. Although at times, she's been straight, she's even been a man. But her legacy was cemented in one fateful turn of phrase - "Scissor me timbers!" That's right, South Park, you sport one of the most entertaining lesbians of all time in Mrs. Janet Garrison.

Best Lesbian in Film (Long form)

This is a stunning upset, if only because no one will know who I'm talking about. This was a loaded category, featuring performances from the likes of Jennifer Garner and her admission that she "made it with a girl once" in Catch and Release. But this person provided a performance that was brief and unconvincing to the unbiased film-goer in 2007. So, congratulations Selma Blair from Feast of Love! Although you were a weak plot device in a weak movie, your curiosity and naivete was one for the books.

Best Lesbian in Film (Short)

*Spoiler Alert* It's a truly amazing feat, when subjected to every twist in the book, to still be surprised by an admission of a same-sex relationship. But if this year was a magical year in lesbianism, then this person was the Siegfried. Yes, you guessed it, I'm talking about Tina in Trapped in the Closet. Why? Well first, she was impregnated by a man that she turned in to the fuzz, resulting in a 3 year removal from society of said man. Then, she works in a bar, sporting a broken bottle and her tough-as-nails lover as two lines of defense. And to top it off, her sexual identity was revealed in song.

Best Lesbian in a Documentary

Although Billy Mitchell from King of Kong would be a daring pick in this category, unfortunately he is definitely a man. Fooled you on the picture, holmes. So who does that leave? Well there were some incredible performances from lesbians in Deliver us from Evil, this one is going to a lesbian who demonstrated every emotion in the AIM set of emoticons. I'm of course talking about Gene's old silver-haired friend in The Bridge. First off, let me state that I'm not 100% sure that she is in fact a lesbian. But when you consider that she's in San Fransisco, surrounded by some amazing house shrubbery, and the fact that she appears to have befriended Gene out of a previously unrealized motherly instinct, it's clear as can be. In the course of the documentary, she shows lingual panache, empathy, and steely determination, sometimes all in the same sentence. Amazing.

Best Lesbian on TV

I know what you're thinking. Tila Tequila, from A Shot at Love right? No, dumbass, she wasn't a real lesbian. Or she would've picked my choice for TV lesbian of the year. Dani, her #2 and the show's plot device. Congrats!*

Best Breasts on Screen

Let me first say that I surprised myself with this pick. Why? Well, let me just say that for some reason, I was unable to procure a copy of Shoot 'em Up, this year's film lucky enough to be selected by Monica Belluci as her breast showcase of the year. As soon as I see it, she most certainly will assume her crown in this category...

but I must take these awards seriously. So in a Olympic-style technical victory, I award Marisa Tomei the title, for her performance in Before the Devil Knows You're Dead. In a movie chock-full of emotional gravitas, Tomei's character provided ample defiance of gravity, in the form of her chest. Multiple times. And she's 43. And while I watched it I convinced myself that she was only 23, making her 8 at the time of My Cousin Vinny. For a performance that was both full and well rounded, not to mention age-defying, she wins.

Best Porn for Women

Tell Me You Love Me is head and shoulders above the rest of the competition, and by head and shoulders above, I mean girl-on-top above. For reasons I can't explain, girls go crazy when they see people talking about home decorating or dropping the kids off at school and then the characters boink each other into oblivion. In all fairness, my survey only has three respondents, however, all three picked this show. I've heard you can watch it on HBO's website. Just sayin'. And yes, the couple in the picture get it on.

Best Porn for Robots

Transformers, obviously. Why? Well if robots were able to toy with reproduction for their own pleasure, I'd imagine they'd like two behemoths going Greco-Roman on top of a cloverleaf highway structure. Add to that the scene where Bumblebee is tortured in a mechanical way that S&M robots would applaud, and this is a sweep.

Best Porn for Men
Internet P...orn 1994

The Internet itself wins, and if I'd been awarding these since 1990, it would be an 18 time winner.

Best Nutritional Aid

Fiber. Was there ever an ingredient in food that did so many wonders? From bananas to granola, carrots to juice, nothing else provided the massive amounts of cleansing needed in these troubled modern times. Global Warming? Have some Metamucil. The War in Iraq? Try Ex-Lax. Housing and banking crises? Find some chocolate and coffee, stat. The Cardinals, Rams, and Blues, all blowing? Just get over your public restroom fear, and stop investing so much emotion in something that has no real implications.

Best Revival of a Synonym for "Cool"

Despite my lobbying for the word "boss,"** I have to hand it to Juno's ability to bring back Wizard. British slang rules!

So there you have it, I've run out of categories, as far as I can tell. So have a Happy New Years and a lucky 2008!

*Domenico got his own show? Boss!
**I have yet to hear anyone else use this in the past year. Honestly though, it suggests that whatever it's describing rules over us all.


Something Wacky This Way Comes

John Edwards fathered an illegitimate child.
Jamie Lynn Spears is pregant (not by John Edwards).
Dick Cheney's office in the White House was on fire.
Dennis Kucinich's brother was found dead.
Tila Tequila didn't pick Dani.
And the lab is saying goodbye to someone (can't elaborate).

What kind of messed up 24 hours is this??? Well, as for my blog, it's been an upside down week. This is my fourth post in a few days. And I've generated a lot more traffic, too. Check out these search terms that have led people to this blog (all from the past week):

The Popular
water? like from the toilet (several vatiations)
About 50% of keyword visits!

The Obvious
the things you own end up owning you
argyria pics

50 year old women
hgh for a 50 year old
blog women 50 years
blog for 50 year old women
style for 50 year old women
50 year old women no children
10% of my total keyword visits? What the hell?

bear hibernation butt plug (several searches)
learned behavior spider monkey
computer bullfighting games

can i see some shaved gays
encino man will be back
unsolved mysteries in canada



101 Problems But Spam Ain't One

Hey, apparently that last post was #100! Good to know, since I've had 2 blogs (that I can remember). One was from my days in the dorms, and mainly was one of those "here's what I ate for dinner" and "here's where I partied" things. The next one was my last year of college, where I chronicled my "five bars a week" and "flunking classes" phase. Both were high on the "me" scale, and I like to think I've kept out of that "dear diary" trap.

[Buchla 101 Synth]

Nothing much today, but last night I read this article at the Economist, which blew my mind. Have you ever thought about why people answer the phone "Hello," as opposed to "Ahoy, ahoy" as originally proposed? Well, I was reminded of this later in the night, when I tried answering the phone in different ways than just uttering "Hello," when my mom and my sister called. I think they thought I was drunk or depressed when I answered "What's up?" I think it's also interesting when people try to answer their cell phone "Hello?" as if they have no clue who is calling. I'd understand if the person were blind, but then again how would they have answered the phone, right?

Personally, I've been guilty of a handful of these. Luckily my boss hasn't requested the Facebook friendship, but I think he could see my profile for a year, whoops! All this history of spam makes me wonder what the next step will be...

People tattooing themselves so that anybody who bones them is boning a commercial?

[this adds new meaning to the term "tramp stamp."]

People devoting whole web pages to ads?
Million Dollar Homepage

People naming their babies after corporations?

Forget the future, I'm just blown away by the present. Especially the fact that I've spammed you with my thoughts 101 times and counting, without getting sick of this. Thanks for the support!


Don't Cut Class, Cut the Fear

Well, that last entry didn't turn out the way I had envisioned it. So here's another one, short and sweet. Well not sweet, actually pretty creepy.

I had a dream last night that I was at my parents' house and some Native Americans stormed the place, looking to kill some people. They broke into my house, and I ran down to the garage, thinking the whole time that I was going to miss, and thus flunk, math class. These Native Americans bust into the garage and are heading towards my mom when I find a nice screwdriver or putty knife or something along those lines. I jump up and, fast-as-lightning jam the sharp object into both their necks, cutting their jugulars, saving the house.

Get what it means? Of course you don't. A dream is based on a person's own history and feelings.

Here, I'll break it down for you. I always have dreams that people are "attacking" my parents' house, or are in the woods. This is because, as a kid, my dad had a gun and we had a felonious, deviant teenage neighbor. So in my head I always thought a gun battle was imminent. Native Americans are involved because, well, we took the land from them. Three beautiful acres, of course I have guilt. The thing I fear most now is law school competition, which is why they appear in a pack, and hostile. Also, I tend to view my epilepsy as sort of a constant threat, something I always have to keep at bay.

The whole math class thing, well it's more law school fun. It meant that if I pick mindless fun over duty, I'll end up in a vulnerable position. And my mom, well she's a symbol of what I should protect. That is, I should be healthy and productive so that I can become a man. And well, I slashed the throats of the attackers... and hopefully that means that I'll take care of my fears and my health, and get to class on time :)

Judge a Book by its Cover, and Use a Look to Find a Lover

Well, I haven't written lately. To be quite honest, it's not because I don't have ideas, but because I wasn't sure if people reading this would be interested in them. But after hearing a couple positive comments about the site, I figured I'd get back to work, even if it is Monday and my brain is closed for repair.

Everyone knows the expression "you can't judge a book by its cover." Well, I've always taken umbrage with this statement. I've found that in most cases, you can judge a book by its cover. Either that, or a cover influences your opinion of the product within. What I'm saying is, either pretty people are nice because if one thinks ugly one will turn ugly, or you just look past ugliness when it's done by good looking people.

On that note, let me get to the point. I'm going to give you my year end music wrap-up illustrating this principle. It may ruffle some feathers, but as always, I'm open to debate in the comments section either here or on Facebook, where it is also posted.

Five Overrated Albums and Covers

5. Spoon - Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga

When I checked this CD out, I tried to overlook the babyspeak title. Really, I did. The problem is not so much that, but the fact that the cover seemingly depicts a man working in an auto-body shop. So maybe the Ga Ga Ga etc. is some sort of pressurized drill or hydraulic lift noise? Hmmm. Well makes sense, since the drumming sounds like it was done by this one-handed crook we used to take our cars to.

4. Arcade Fire - Neon Bible

Ah Arcade Fire. I've never understood the fascination with this band, aside from a couple great songs on the last CD. I've never understood why, when people talk about them, they emphasize the word "Fire" rather than "Arcade." A fire in an arcade is remarkable because it's in an arcade, not because it's fire. Right? Anyway, everyone except me loves them, and I have a sneaking suspicion that it's that way because of the perfect symmetry of the album cover. In these crazy, war-torn times, the last thing we need is some sort of Cubist layout.

3. Kanye West - Graduation/50 Cent - Curtis

Ok, everyone knows the story. These two were having a "battle" based on sales figures. 50 Cent was going to have to replace his wardrobe with Louis Vuitton backpacks and white polos if he lost. If Kanye's figures were worse, he'd have to get shot in the face 11 times.* Well, it quickly became apparent that this "competition" was just a parent record company hyping things, and while both albums had a song or two that got me, it's clear that these covers were half assed.

Kanye is a repeat offender, but this one takes the cake. So a bear got shot out of a fish's mouth with the Parthenon on its head. Ok, sounds alright so far. The problem is that one cloud looks like it's a man yanking out the tongue of another cloud-man. Not cool, brah.**

50 Cent's cover is weak. It's appropriate that the hit song "Ayo Technology" (the only good one on the CD) is on here. "Ayo, Technology! I copped one of them viruses!" If I had been in charge of this design I would've added question marks over his head. Please, no more covers that look like they're from a webcam.

2. Justice - Cross

Yeah, I said it. I haven't been to a hipster party in a year, but something tells me that if I'd gone to one, this would be playing. Why? Well, it's the type of knee slapping music whose fanbase loves it because it's ironically horrible. Why actually try to find something you like when you can just pretend you love something that you couldn't? Well, ok, you can get laid by some chick with a mullet (ironic, of course) because you dance to it.

But after that wears off, you take the pubes out of your mouth and start to realize, this music is shit. Maybe you should've checked out the cover first. It features a cross (ironically, since there isn't a good "beat" on the album***) straight out of a 7th grade 3 subject notebook, and nothing else. Struggle to see something in the murky black depths of the cover.

1. Soulja Boy - Crank Dat

As for the song.. dude, Crime Mob is so 2004. The fonts are Romeo Must Die and (more) 7th grade 3 subject notebook. I bet he's on the phone with his agent at Interscope, who's telling him that he has to pay yet another fee. "How much?" Soulja boy asks, with shock on his face. "$135," the agent responds, "the amount you conveniently have in your hand." Sorry Soulja, you're fighting a war you can't win.

Five Underrated Albums and Covers

5. White Williams - Smoke

This reminds me of "Middlesex" in two ways. Words get spelled out in smoke, which is Alice in Wonderlandish. Also, the music is sung by a dude, but has this vague sexual element, leading to a sort of gender bender bender that is clearly shown on the cover. Plus, I heard hookah pipes are boss.

4. Kavinsky - 1986 EP

Kavinsky could teach Soulja Boy a thing or two about fonts. An S in blood, LED says 1986, backwards K on the letter-jacket. See, it's the subtle things, like the rolling hillside in his glasses, or the hands on the biceps, that make this cover stand out. The same can be said for the music, which is really awesome and upbeat, until you get these little notes in the songs that slip a little bit of dread in your drink. Perfect, since the whole concept of the band is that a high school jock died and has come back as a zombie.

3. DJ Copy - Diva Mixtape

I'm not sure when this came out, but since information on it is scarce, I figured that it counted. Obviously, this is cool because of bare breasts, just like the music is obviously cool because it has songstresses such as TLC and Mariah Carey over some buzzing and perfectly-placed horns. But the cartoon diva faces are fresh and upbeat, just like the music. This is what you'll be singing in your shower after you lose your virginity.****

2. Animal Collective - Strawberry Jam

Sure, this one is popular. But I get the impression that it's that type of music that people say they like when they don't enjoy it at all. In fact, a handful of friends took time to tell me how much this blew with a sour look on their faces.

How appropriate then, that the cover shows food. At first, I thought the jam was blood. But it works, because maybe it is blood. Maybe the strawberries are bleeding. Maybe the bleeding is good, like a leeching. Then it's all the circle of life, and the music sounds as good as the Lion King's does. Get it? Neither do I, but the music sounds good right after I've taken my medicine.

1. Glass Candy - B/E/A/T/B/O/X

First off, this isn't the album's artwork. It's more from the oeuvre, nay, the treasure chest of Glass Candy. What makes it so great? A hot chick. Not going to lie, that's all it is. Do I love the music because the woman on the front is so hot? I don't know, maybe Soulja Boy should put "The Birth of Venus" on his next CD. Even if it was called "The Squirt of Penis" I would still check it out.*****

As for the music, this is what Justice should sound. This is what all music should sound like. Like a pretty girl has nothing to do but sing in a run down 70s dance-club where only you frequent. So, obviously the lead singer will date you, even if you look like Phillip Seymour Hoffman. For a sample, check out this.

Am I just a whore for visuals? I knew cartoons would ruin me when I grew up. Also, too late for inclusion were Wyclef's Carnival II (looks good) and Wu-tang's 8 Diagrams (we get it, 8 members).

* Not really, but it would've been cool if they had.
** A reference to the fact that many of Kanye's fans are the type that would call him "brah"
*** Too soon?
**** Nothing to say here, just wanted to "copy" David Foster Wallace's gratuitous use of footnotes.
***** Sorry, this entry has taken a gross turn.


Walking on Sunshine (Laws)

Want to kill time and do the public a service as well? Try out Matt Blunt: Document Destroyer. In the words of the manufacturer, the Missouri Democratic Party, "Matt Blunt: Document Destroyer features Whack-A-Mole style gameplay, requiring gamers to move a spotlight onto Blunt's portrait as he randomly pops up behind desktop computers and attempts to delete files."

Link to game

Blunt has had a gubernatorial stint that has been marked by crooked deals and violations of the Sunshine Law, a bill that makes public records public. So the game has a purpose. And it made me laugh. But I played for a couple minutes, until my mouse started picking up dirt, after I'd exposed Blunt about 70 times- it's not a challenge by any stretch of the imagination.

If you want something more mentally stimulating, try this puzzle game. Just keep common decency in mind, meaning no fathers and daughters together, and no mothers and sons alone. And the criminal needs to be escorted by the police, apparently. To start, click on the round button in Japanese.

Maybe the Republicans should make a game where you have a bunch of Kennedy brothers, and you can't leave Darryl Hannah alone with JFK Jr. and you can't have Marilyn Monroe with.. well, any Kennedy. Although I won't tip them off, don't worry.

PS If you want to laugh at more Republicans, the YouTube debate is Wednesday on CNN. I can only imagine what kinds of questions will be asked.


A Friend of the Devil is No Friend of Mine

I just watched one of the most disturbing movies I've seen in my life. "Deliver Us from Evil" is the story of Oliver O'Grady, a priest responsible for molesting 100+ children in California in the 70s, 80s and 90s.

It's a movie that forces me not only question the entire Catholic faith, but the suffocating depths of the evil of man. Some current estimates say that 1 in 100 Catholics have been abused by priests. Think about that for a second. If you want to take the plunge and watch it, hang on to your jaw. Here's the first part, and links to the other parts.

Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

If you were raised as a Roman Catholic, as I was, you know hundreds of other Catholics. In my experience there are two common reactions. One, the inability to walk within 100 yards of a church without feeling queasy. The second response is a flat denial that the problems are prevalent or that this is a problem. Some people accept it as a problem and still fill the church's coffers, assisting with the $1,000,000,000 in settlements that the church has doled out. Keep in mind, this number is just the current figure.

Not to trivialize what happens to survivors, but even for spectators such as myself, who confront this issue, this is more than unsettling. We were raised to believe that the world was wicked, that the only way to find eternal happiness (think about what that means for a second) was to turn to the church, the beacon of what is right and just in the world. The refuge for the good. And to think that so much pain was given a PR spin and it was all about the almighty dollar and the image of the body, I just don't know if I'll be able to shake it for a long time.

And a personal note to anyone who claims that problems are overstated, or that victims are just money grubbers... this isn't the case. Although I have never been involved in anything inappropriate with a priest, I do know people who have told disturbing stories. And they didn't do it for money or attention, they did it red-faced and flustered.

EDIT: Here's another report that is unsettling as well, although not as shocking. Then there's this, which highlights that this is truly not healthy behavior... and raises even more questions about the habits and behaviors of the clergy.

If you find this all too disturbing, I suggest you find comfort in something lighter. The South Park episode which deals with this subject in a much lighter way. (Note: You should probably open your volume controls and have them ready for when this starts.)


The White in Santa's Beard is the Coke, His Belly the Can

Hooray for Slickdeals! A few weeks ago, I signed up for a handful of FREE magazine subscriptions. One was Entertainment Weekly, a magazine I thought Cassidy would enjoy. As is usually the case, I become hooked like a trout. Then I see this blurb.

First of all, I don't spring for the usual dribble from Hollywood's mouth. Sure, here's the occasional You, Me, and Dupree, but I like my films more artsy. I know most people love that garbage, so I don't criticize it. However, this reeked of ad-creep.* Look, I laugh at little people too..

... but this is ridiculous.

Let me start at the beginning. Christmas is a holiday celebrating Jesus' birthday, right? Not really. First, a melange of Christian, harvest, and pagan holidays combined into one all-inclusive day. How did this get started? Well Christians wanted to convert pagans, so they just decided to throw Jesus into the busiest holiday time in Europe.

Saint Nicholas lived around 300 AD, under 5 feet tall and with a broken nose. As an infant, he was so holy that he fasted from his mother's breasts 2 days a week. And when he found out a couple was going to have to work the street corner to make ends meet, he threw money into their windows and chimney. According to some customs, he even employed a pack of demons to deliver goods, and Saint Nicholas himself was said to torment naughty children in their sleep. The lesson was, if he liked you and you were nice people about to whore, then you hit the jackpot.

Meanwhile, in Germany, there was a legend about the Norse god Odin. He was said to have rode his flying horse onto rooftops so his horse could feast on hay voluntarily left in children's shoes. In exchange, Odin dropped some candy in the shoes. Odin was an old guy with a beard, and people have always loved both money and candy, so you can see how the two icons got mixed up after some back and forth conquering and interbreeding. Why settle for candy when you can have money and candy?

Throughout the Middle Ages, a bona fide holiday began to emerge on December 25th. It was a point of tension between Catholics and Protestants. Mainly because drunkenness, promiscuity, and gambling were accepted parts of the festivities. In Dutch country, Saint Nicholas evolved into a character named Sinterklaas, who rode on rooftops on his horse "Bad Weather Today." He also may or may not have had an African slave boy, but that's been whitewashed, of course.

Point is, what people learned from Sinterklaas was that you could drink and sleep around and still get money and candy out of the deal.

Centuries later, the North American colonies were settled, and the Dutch settled in what is now New York. Teasing is as old as the human race, so a local author made a joke of Sinterklaas, depicting him as a jolly, fat, smoking sailor in a green winter coat.

Meanwhile, in the UK, Father Christmas, a different version of Saint Nicholas, didn't bring gifts, so he was promptly merged into the image on Sinterklaas. This resulted in a modern image of Santa Claus, invented by a cartoonist named Thomas Nast, in the 1800s. After a fictional book by L. Frank Baum, many companies latched onto his idea of a rich, flying immortal. This was more adaptable to commerce during the Industrial Revolution. In the imaginary world, they could sell anything. For example, Coca-Cola cemented the image of the jolly old fellow in red and white with a barrage of advertising in the 1930's.** He'd been depicted that way before, but in a matter of years he was decked out permanently in Coke colors.

Around the same time, someone came up with the "workshop" model of toys, a merry image of happy but productive elves using traditional methods in a production line. I've always looked at elves as just smart-mouthed children. And I don't think it's a coincidence that child labor laws were under threat at the time. What better propaganda to spread than one similar to children in a factory, banging away for the good of the whole country? Luckily this image didn't kill a sense of morality, and in 1938, well after the workshop model had first appeared, FDR signed limits to child labor. I say we shut down the sweatshop at the North Pole too!

In the 1950's, suddenly Santa had a wife. Mrs. Claus is a dutiful partner who doesn't do much except give the jolly old man a foot rub and cup of cocoa. I know everyone loves this image, but it's more propaganda. Why? Well, as you learn in any history book, the 50's were a time of middle-class expansion. Some call it the baby boom, because all the soldiers coming back from the war got married and banged out a few kids. Well, this wasn't accidental- the country was worried about the Communists, and people not married didn't have kids.*** The idea of a June Cleaver-type was good for the country's most prized resource (besides nukes) - human labor.

Which brings me to my original point. I was looking in EW and saw this set for Fred Claus, which includes modernized toy manufacturing. I know this isn't knew, but the product placement is what threw me.

Let me recap.
1. Arbitrary day is chosen for a holy day.
2. Holy man is associated with holy day.
3. Holy man gives out things to nice people.
4. Holy man likes to party and loosens up his morals.
5. Cool, pipe smoking drunk becomes immortal.
6. Said drunk switches to Coca-Cola and matches his clothes to the bottle.
7. Sober, happy, immortal enlists the help of laborers and makes gifts in his factory.
8. Immortal gets married to subservient wife.
9. Companies outsource to immortal man who doesn't exist except in popular media.

Yeah, right, the only way I'll believe all this is if North Pole (which is water, by the way) labor standards are worse than the ones in Southeast Asia. Hopefully I can start up some holiday and myth that will last longer than this whole commercial charade.

*I've actually been softening up my anti-corporate stance lately, believe it or not. My next post will probably deal with it.
**It is worth noting here that, in the early 20th century, Coca-Cola did, in fact, contain cocaine. 9 mg per glass, or about a quarter of a line.
***The government would eventually resort to researching the gay bomb to deal with this problem.


Tomato, Tomatoe, Obama, Obamo, Usama, Osama

When someone enters law school, they are taught to be precise in their language. They don't tolerate useless or redundant words. I know this because my brother and a few friends have been through the hell that is the first year. For example, it's a cardinal sin to say to such a person, "This is the best cheesecake in the world." That doesn't fly in front of crusty old professors. I mention this because ever since I took the LSAT, I've been dissecting phrases and words like they were little frogs, reluctantly but with morbid curiosity. It's gotten to the point where I sometimes stutter trying to squeeze out the proper words, like drops of toothpaste. Here are a few things that bother me about modern language, using celebrities as an "annoyance grade."

1. "Could care less." People say this when they want to convey the idea that they are above something. The only problem is that if they could care less, then they care about the issue to some degree. Like if you could care less about politics, then you're saying you care about them more than you don't care. This phrase should be "couldn't care less," as in your amount of caring is zero.
Politician equally annoying: Ron Paul. Increasingly visible and so incredibly wrong.

2. "Ironic." Praise Alanis Morissette! This is an obvious but necessary one for my list. This has been a long-standing thorn in my back, because people just use it to mean "unexpected." Not true, it is the exact opposite of what is expected. It's a rare event most exemplified by hipsters in today's culture. Think of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Kids don't drink it because it's good, they drink it because they have money to drink better tasting beer and want to make a sophisticated joke that they are doing something that it the opposite of their rich sensibilities.
Politician score: GW Bush. Obviously.

3. "Or something." I don't know why I didn't notice this before. This is a completely useless phrase, because you say something then completely drown it in other possibilities. For example, you're at a party, and someone says, "What's that girl's name?" And you reply, "I think it's Kelly. Or Carla. Or something." HUH? Why not just say, "I don't know" and let the other person know that you have no clue what the answer is.
Politican score: Hillary Clinton. Shouldn't annoy me, but is doing so right now.

4. "Make love." I just realized how much this irritates me last night. Make love = sex, right? I mean, sex as in candles and French music and 35 positions and 100 camera angles. Well, I have news for everyone. French music may be about love, but it's not a way to "make," or create, it. I couldn't tell you want love is, but I know it's not the Reverse Cowgirl. Here is an interesting synopsis on how this term came to be. Stupid hippies.
Politican: Joseph Biden. Like school in the summer- no class.

5. "How come." This one was brought to my attention by my friend Andrea, and the more times I hear it, the more wrong it seems. It means, simply, "Why?" That's it. I think "how come" is short-hand for "How is it that this has come to." Notice how it was shortened to two words that make no sense, when it could've just been three simple words.
Politician: Mike Huckabee. Well intentioned, but utterly moronic. “If anybody wants to believe that they are the descendants of a primate, they are certainly welcome to do that.” Must've flunked high school biology. IRONIC that he wouldn't believe in survival of the fittest, seeing as he evolved physically himself.

6. "Gay." Ok, I'm admitting that I've used the term to mean showy, but I try to keep it to a minimum. What bothers me about this word is that, as Jeff Goldblum says as Alistair Hennessey in the Life Aquatic, "We're all a little gay." Think about it, where's the line? If someone can tell me the point when you become gay, I'd be impressed. I saw a coat on a model in a J. Crew ad, and suddenly I decided that he looked good in it, so I went and bought one. Gay? Depends on your perspective. I have a female coworker who moonlights as a bartender at a gay bar and is married to a woman. Gay? Well, she's done a dude before, so I guess that makes her straight, or as straight as a buddy of mine who kissed a dude for kicks once. If he's gay then she's straight, know what I mean?
Politician: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The Iranian President who said, "We have no gays in Iran."

The point is, words flip flop more than politicians. If I had to elect a word or phrase, I'd vote for "bustin' balls." Perfect, clear, and compact. And who am I voting for? Well, I was leaning towards Obama, even signed up on his website. What I signed up for was a barrage of phone calls. I'm not sure I could handle four years of telemarketing. I'll probably still vote for him. But that maniac from Alaska makes for good theater...


If You Can Sweep a Mine, You Don't Have to Sweep a Chimney

I found out the difference between Wash U kids and Mizzou kids yesterday. I bought tickets to the VHS or Beta show and interrupted a girl's game of minesweeper. It was ON EXPERT! Does this mean Princeton kids play Spider Solitaire?


Unsolved Mysteries

In my life, there have been a few things that I've never understood. Questions that I use when trapped in an elevator, or waiting in a doctor's office, or on a long drive. When Cassidy and I were cruising to Columbia for homecoming, we debated one of these questions.

Can soap get dirty?
Ok, we all know that soap picks up pubes. In fact, there's some of magnetic force going on there, I think. Anyway, say a piece of soap falls behind the toilet and picks up some random dirt and grime. Do you rinse it? Shave the thing down like it's a pencil? Several people have said "oh, it's dirty, it's got junk on it." But honestly, soap by definition is clean. Anything it touches is instantly not dirty. Right?

Heres another one:
Why do you yawn, even when you can't see the person yawning?
There are several theories on this one, according to Wikipedia. Some aren't relevant, and thus, don't explain the phenomenon, such as "a means of cooling the brain." Others are obvious and provide incomplete information. The only one that could explain this is "An action used as an unconscious communication of psychological decompression after a state of high alert." Huh? But how does that "unconscious communication" flow?

How can you say, "This is just a dream" when in fact, you are dreaming?
This one happened to me last night. I was, uh, carrying on with a woman who was not Cassidy. I was still dreaming, talking to a dream version of a friend, when I said "Wait, maybe this is all a dream!" I then woke up, relieved, and ate some breakfast. Is this just the subconscious going through the denial stage of grief? As in, after a real-life tragedy when a person says "Maybe this is all not happening, I'm just having a nightmare." I question this because the whole concept of dreams relies upon suspension of disbelief. For instance, if you dream you're flying, you don't question it in the dream. Why question the entire existence of your dreamworld?

And an old favorite:
Are there modern-day eskimos, and if so where?
This one seems easy. Sure there are modern day eskimos, right? After all, we learned in school that they build igloos and have a bucket full of words for snow. But the thing that always bugged me was that, in modern society, you can't just sit in an igloo, and hunt, and so on. You need internet, cell phones, and cars. You have to pay property tax and income tax, and declare your business. Some people told me eskimos were in Alaska, others said Canada. These are countries that leave no stone unturned. Well, they do exist, check this out.** They seem less sedentary nowadays, as expected. Now go here, where you'll find that eskimos on reserves don't have to worry about modern hassles. However, if not on the reserve, they don't seem to be on the grid. So I finally solved that one. Hopefully scientists will figure out the yawn someday.

*If you don't have dirt behind your toilet, go see a shrink ASAP. You're going off the deep end.
**Miss World Eskimo Olympics? That's for researching another day...


There Are No Coincidences...

Hastily written, sorry I'm leaving soon...

Ever had a really wacky day? I woke up this morning after dreaming about getting my LSAT score. Then I went to work and had an email telling me that my new laptop had shipped. I talked with Cassidy, and we talked about possibly taking my dad's car on a roadtrip. I figured I'd ask later. Normal so far.

Around lunchtime, out of the blue, my dad texts me, saying "It's your lucky day." So of course I called. He'd just bought a new laptop, and not knowing I'd just gotten one he offered me his old machine. Then he asked if I wanted to trade cars for the weekend. Eerie. If I'd been on my old meds, I would've thought he was wiretapping me (kinda funny, but not at the time).

The weirdest convergence came just a few minutes ago. I was watching MTV's True Life online (full episodes!) and a character was studying for the LSAT. Hmm, I thought, let's see when I get these scores. Then, an email popped up in my inbox... it was my score! Crazy, crazy, crazy, my jaw dropped. Then I checked my score. IT WAS THE SAME ONE FROM MY DREAM! Ok, maybe that doesn't stun everybody, but the sequence of events creeped me out.

Oh, and I did well enough to get in somewhere. It's a giant load off my back, and now I can go watch this in peace-


Killing like Conan.... O'Brien

Here's a headline that caught my eye this morning, from The Record, Wash U's medical school paper.

How appropriate, since I was just in California, the land of medicinal marijuana and its resulting subculture... Also, I heard a joke recently, and although I can't take credit for it, I'll pass it along.

Q: Why are there no jokes about Jonestown anymore?
A: Because the punch lines are too short.

And here's a classic joke, my favorite of all time.

Enzo Ferrari passed away and, of course, ends up in heaven. While up there, he runs into God. God says to him "Hey, Ferrari, I like your work. Everything on your cars was perfect. Absolutely perfect. One minor thing bothers me though. I don't think the F512M needed the 4 round rear headlights."

Ferrari looked at God, thought for a minute and said, "It's funny you should say that. I like your work, too. The woman is perfect. Except for one minor thing."

"Really," God said, "and what is that?"

Ferrari replied, "The accelerator is too close to the exhaust."