Wedgies for All Y'all!

I'll admit it, as painful as it is to do so. My name is Drew, and I have a videogame magazine subscription.

I ordered it a few years back, because I thought to myself, oh what the hell, we all need a little bathroom reading. Sure enough, month in and month out, the magazine delivers information that is readily available on the internet in a package than can handle some shower steam.

Lately, I've become much less interested in the games themselves, as I play them less and less each day (except for Mario Kart). What the magazine still sells me on is an insight into video game culture. I consider my subscription to be part of an anthropological study. Let me explain.

At the beginning of each installment, there is the "contributors" page, which is standard to any magazine. It gives bios on what each person has accomplished, professionally and personally. Now, look at this. It's biographies of people employed by Game Informer magazine. Note their lack of true accomplishments and trophy case full of mirage.


Andy
I can picture this guy slobbering over X-rated Princess Zelda fan fiction. He's in charge.


Reiner
He claims to be the worlds biggest Star Wars fan. According to him, he has watched the movies around 1000 times. That's 2000 hours. He could've built a plane in that amount of time. No, really.


Kato
Favorite drink and snack.. Coke and fingernails. Yeah, something tells me you haven't had either one near you, bud.


Bryan
Good-looking guy. Too bad, that in two years, he'll look like Marlon Brando.


Adam
That icy look of determination... it's because now that he's out of his parents' basement he's looking to get laid. No, really, it's in his profile.


Bertz
"Lord Gamington" likes Badlands. He's cool.


Miller
Ok, I thought this guy looked like a serial killer BEFORE I read that one of his likes is "The Newly Beefed Up Assault Rifle." Uhhh


Billy
"Favorite books: I read?" A response akin to the eternal Facebook dilemma, "What are books?"

Life's just one big high school cafeteria, isn't it?

The Running of the Tourists

Awhile back, I decided rather than blowing all my time playing video games, I should try to create one or two. Well, it's pretty easy if you know where to start, and I downloaded something called XNA. It basically allows you to throw a bunch of stuff on the computer and using a little bit of computer programming, it can all turn pretty fancy quickly.

Well I'm not a great programmer, but I consider myself a decent idea man. I drew some inspiration from Bullfight, my favorite underappreciated game of all time, and decided to make a game based on the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain. The original plan was to have you control the guy running from the bulls, in all of his red handkerchiefed glory.




After talking to people about this, I stumbled upon an idea. What if you could control the bull, too? Like, pick your side at the start and if you're the bull, you have to run around other bulls to impale runners. Maybe you have to impale tourists and avoid little Spanish babies wandering across the screen. What happened was the more I thought about this scenario, the more I realized that I should probably just focus on the bull aspect and forget about the runners. I haven't touched the thing in months, because I was frustrated a simple game wouldn't run on my laptop. Maybe they ironed that out in the past few months. And I can finally make it happen.